"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

if your spouce is an alcoholic does that mean the other partner can't drink?

Newbie

my husband is a recovering alcoholic. his problem is occasional, unpredictable binge drinking episodes that have let to DWI's and his dissapearance for a night at a time. he never drank daily or regularly, only weekends or random days when he "couldn't hold it in anymore and needed to upload stress." i come from a european family where wine was drunk regularly with dinner. i like to enjoy one or two glasses of wine daily. i recently discovered my husbands had raided my wine (which i keep in the fridge in the garage) and he replaced the wine with water. this was after two apparent years of spbriety. my question is, am i supossed to become "dry" because of his issue? i think i will become resentful if i dont drink and he still has his episodes. i know he'll find it if he wants to, but he resents me for drinking casually. we have two young children and I really don't know what the "right" thing to do is. thanks.

Zimmy · Senior Member

hi my alcholic boyfriend has just admitted that he is an alcholic, and i totally understand where you are coming from...but for me my boyfriend had to leave the family home due to a violent inciddent so doesn't live at the family home but is here alot.

Personally for me at this time I dont want alcohol in the family home. But that is my choice and is one of my boundries that he is not under the influence or drinks here. Its early days for us, but his drink addiction has caused to much upset and anxiety that i would not have it in the house.

I think its personal choice, but i totally understand the resentment that you cant trust an alcoholic with drink in the house. My opinion is they dont have the control or will power to be able not to drink it!!

Have you been to any alanon meetings in your area?

I have heard from alanon friends from my group say that they are at a point where there a is able to be around alcohol, I think it depends on the alcholic and where t, hey are with their recovery.

Not much help I know, but just wanted to share my experience and thoughts.

My thoughts are with you :)

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

This is always a tough one, and clearly there is no "right" answer.... if an A is serious about wanting to get sober, I don't think it really matters what we do.... I do fully believe in the Three C's, so if we cannot cause them to drink, that would stand to reason that our drinking is irrelevant to their alcoholism...

Now, all that being said, there are practical considerations.... He's obviously struggling with truly choosing sobriety (he is NOT in recovery, as he is still active)... I think we DO have a role, in figuring out how best to help create an environment for ourselves, and our A's, to get healthy.... In the really early times, such as what you are in - it probably isn't a wise move to have alcohol in the house, and/or perhaps even drink around him..... Just my two cents

Tom

Findinghope · Veteran Member

I imagine every couple figures out what works for them. My husband is very much struggling with his sobriety right now, and attending AA. I've chosen not to keep wine or alcohol in the house out of respect for him, after he asked me. And it also gives me a huge sense of relief as well. I will have a glass of wine every once in a while when I'm out with friends, etc., or we're at dinner but have really curtailed my own drinking since he began his recovery process.

To tell you the truth, I don't miss it. I grew up as the child of an alcoholic father who never sought recovery so, for me, alcohol has a very painful place in my life. I've had times in my 20s where I definitely was drinking too much as part of my social/stress release, and it's been pretty nice settling into a life where our social life and downtime doesn't revolve around alcohol. That said, my husband has had relapses (too many to count), so alcohol still has a very active place in my life. I'm working on myself because I've spent way too much time worrying about him.

I do feel a ping of resentment at times, but at this point I don't feel like I'm sacrificing too much. I know people that are in relationships with recovered alcoholics that can be around alcohol. I'm not sure if my AH will ever get there (one day at a time!) but we're making it work for us right now. and that means not having alcohol in the house.

Doing a lot of the Al-Anon and AA readings (I highly recommend reading the big book if you haven't already) has given me a lot of insight into my own drinking patterns, as well as that of my husband, my deceased father's and others around me.

Icie · Senior Member

I think if you want your alcoholic to stop drinking why on earth wouldn't everyone around them not drink simply out of respect & support, unless you yourself have a drinking problem.

I always think of the addiction I had to cigarettes & compare the addiction to alcohol or drugs to be much the same. I could NOT stop smoking for others, I could NOT stop even though I knew it was not good for my health until I was personally ready! For a whole year I could NOT associate with anyone that smoked as it would trigger the desire in me to want a cigarette. After a year I choose not to be around anyone that smoked for my own health & put up a sign no smoking in my house or my van. That was 16 years ago & to this day I cannot stand the smell of a cigarette. Now here is proof of how powerful addictions are still after 16 years with out a cigarette, when I get really stressed, the compulsion to have one still comes back, even though I cannot stand the smell.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

When my exAH stopped drinking he asked that I not drink or have any alcohol in the house or around him and I had no problem doing that. Maybe you 2 could discuss whether it is bothering him and if you were willing to give it up in your home. Good topic. Sending you love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is this, there is NOTHING you can do to make him drink or not drink.

His disease is his own business. You have a right to be who you are the same as he does.

Lets say I am on a serious diet since I am a diabetic. I would not want my spouse not to have ice cream or cheese cake or anything else I am desiring but don't eat.

Unless you are duct taping them to a chair and putting a funnel in their mouth, it has nothing to do with you.

Alcohol is everywhere, he is an adult, if he chooses sobriety, then he does. If we choose to have wine with dinner, that is very ok!

I just will not cater to his or her disease. That is not my problem and I love them enough to not make it mine!

hugs,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

There are consequences for everything we do and everything we don't do. Our part in the family disease of alcoholism is called enabling and part of that means that even when we are doing things we think will help the alcoholic it makes the situation worse (part of the insanity of the disease). Be resentful if you want and be resentful and angry at the same time and keep wine in the house. Your alcoholic, who as Canadian Guy say rightfully "isn't in recovery and is still active" will get to it and do what he has to do to get to it and manipulate it to keep you off of his back. He has a disease of compulsion which runs all the time...no breaks. Even when he wasn't drinking it was wanting him and telling him he could. Go to some open AA meetings and listen to the alcoholics talk about what it was like for them during the drinking years. This is the largest, most insidious; cunning, powerful and baffling disease on the planet. What ever justification you have for drinking, by all means do it and at the same time keep in mind that you live and are married to an alcoholic that needs to do it more and more often than you. Keep coming back...(((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"