The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've ordered the book and it's on its way! Very excited. Won't be here for a few weeks yet. Bummer. Can't wait to read it and put its advice to use. Those of you who have read it, what is your favorite parts? What did you find really helped you? I'd love to hear what you have to share since I just can't wait to read it!
This book is so helpful and I'm glad that it has been recommended on this board over and over again. One of many of the helpful suggestions I got from the book was that interventions really don't work, but "mini interventions" do. With the popularity of the TV show, "Intervention," our family was motivated to try to do our own intervention with my AH (their dad). We failed horribly. He did not feel that he had a problem and there was no motivation (such a legal, financial or health-related) for him to want to get the help he so desparately needed.
Instead, the author, Toby Rice Drews, suggests trying "mini interventions." I have found this advice to be much more helpful to our family and have utilized many of her suggestions with success. The book provides information on what these "mini interventions" are and how they can help to "box the alcoholic in."
For me it was just the reassurance that setting boundaries, sticking to them, was not "anti-love", in fact it was more loving. That is something I'm learning more and more to embrace.
The chapters that spoke to me the most during my darkest days were:
Chapter 3 - Don't Worry About Whether He's Really An Alcoholic ( I used to spend countless hours wondering if I was imagining it all...)
Chapter 9 - Use Tough Love
Chapter 16 - Mean What You Say and Say What You Mean
Chapter 26 - Stay with Him or Leave Him "Just for Today"
Chapter 31 - Don't Feel Guilty When You're Mad!
Just looking at this book again in order to 'jog my memory' has helped me in so many ways. I want to read it all again. I'm many years divorced/removed from my alcoholic ex husband, but I have a sister with the disease and it never hurts to refresh my mind/soul to the wonderful lessons and wisdom offered by Toby.
I'm really looking forward to Chapter 3. I too spend time wondering if it really is as bad as I think it is. I'm praying for it to arrive much sooner than it's scheduled to.
The whole book was wonderful!!! You will treasure it. The part that really spoke to me was Chapter 33, Don't Say You're Changing - Just Do It. The alcoholic hears what you do, not what you say.
-- Edited by WornOutMrsFixIt on Friday 21st of September 2012 12:32:35 AM
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
So much of what I have gathered from these posts and meetings is the realization that if you want to live without an AW or AH, you need to move out. For so long I had those questions and doubts. I moved out 5 weeks ago. The phone calls from the AW have dwindled to 3 or 4 a day from 3 or 4 an hour. The tone of the conversations is very casual. I am her enabler. No matter how awful things got, I was there. With this separation, there may be some reckoning on her part.
Or I could be wrong. We will be together the beginning of October for a week while on a trip. This will determine if the separation is permanent. This idea has been made very clear. Who knows, maybe there could be some sense hidden in there.
The separation has allowed me to calm down and contemplate things that I have always planned on doing.
I have all of the getting Them Sober books. They were a godsend to me early on when my AHsober left the marriage. They always seem to answer my questions. What I like the best about them is that she gives you permission to think what you think and feel what you feel and make that decision to leave or stay just for the day. She tells you that someday you will be stronger. Enjoy!
I am curious, has anyone here at MIP actually been successful at "getting them sober" with the help of the book? It's obvious that the book is very popular, and helpful, but the title seems to suggest that I am not powerless. Does she ever mention The 12 Steps? Is it a spiritual book?
Thanks ((MIP family))
* and by "spiritual" I mean, does the book help guide us to become more "God-conscious" or, more "loving"? Does it change the Al-anon? Thanks
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 21st of September 2012 07:48:43 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Good Questions Glad Lee I have not read the books and have been put off by the titles. I feel they sound as if they "How to Manuals" as to how to behave in order to "Get Them Sober". Alanon tells me I am powerless and that my changed attitudes may add recovery.
Actually, the book stresses the same thing. I don't have it in front of me but it seems to me that it mentions that by doing these things to make yourself better the alcoholic has a better chance at recovery, but not to be put off by the title - the point is to get us well. The 12 steps (?) I can't remember.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Actually the book was all about your own recovery. I wouldn't knock it until you've read it. I like the switcheroo the title grabs you, then has you focus on yourself. It is a great book and I am much better for it. Sending you all love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Agreed, the book is clear that we cannot "get" someone sober. But what it does explain is that the steps in the book will support your own recovery and is the best "possible chance" to work with an alcoholic because you are no longer enabling them. Catchy title but that's not what it really means.
I think probably asking the sucess rate is a difficult thing because as is being said here, we cannot get anyone sober. At least if you follow the book, you'll come out much stronger in your recovery. It's really helping me as I work through learning how to detach and how to set boundaries and I use that not just with my exH or exRBF but honestly in a lot of areas.
