The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I posted Tuesday I was so frustrated!!! I was also experiencing various shades of anger. I had signed up for the program for my meeting on Tuesday and was praying about the topic. I felt like anger would be a good one. As I was reading through the readings in One Day at a Time and Courage to Change 2 readings, one out of each, had the slogan easy does it. This completely jumped out at me and I realized I had my topic, Easy Does It.
I also read page, I think 2, out of One Day at a Time. Leaving my meeting I felt better, the shares of how others apply or have applied Easy Does It were wonderful. However, I was still trying to sort my feelings regarding Monday night and of course it wasn't just that situation there were others. Trying to determine what was and wasn't important, what I needed to say and what I didn't.
Yesterday I wrote out an email. I sent it to a friend who has her own program who I knew would understand. After I sent the email, I realized that even though I had written all that out some of it wasn't really what I wanted. I needed to step back. I also needed to effectively communicate with my AH.
I composed a much nicer constructive email. My communication style is written. My AH likes to talk. So I can email and then we can talk about it. Finally yesterday I was able to clearly and effectively communicate what I needed him to understand. He called me yesterday afternoon and we talked about what I had explained. He finally understood what I've been trying to get him to understand about cooking, and how it's not something that he has to do. I explained in the email what he does that actually shows me love, and yesterday it clicked.
When I got home last night, it was such an awesome night. I literally felt like a weight was lifted. Now it's one day at a time. Over the past year we've had many conversations about his drinking. It came up again last night. I simply listen. He stated you can't help me, and I said you're right I can't. He stated I can't help me, and I said yes you're right. He stated I don't know what to do, and I didn't offer a statement. He has to walk this road on his own. What am I going to do? I'm going to stick to my boundaries. I'm going to make sure that I continue to communicate when I need to be understood and I don't let myself be shutdown about trying to communicate.
I have to stick to my program. Stepping off the wheel means going to my meeting, reading, and reaching out to my sponsor and friends who have their own program.
That's an awesome post Jackie and a model for detaching while still communicating your caring at the same time. The only thing that confused me was telling him he can't help himself? Most of yours and also his recovery rests in a higher power, BUT a person has to do the footwork. I helped myself by getting to that first AA meeting. I always knew there was something I could do to help myself and it started there. I definitely wouldn't hound him to go to meetings. That's futile and not your responsibility. But someone else that cared about me making the suggestion at the right time was all it took for me to go when I was really ready.
@ Hotrod that brochure is awesome we include that one in the packet for all of our necomers!
@ Pink he can't help himself meaning he can't do it on his own, he has essentially acknowledged that he is powerless. You know this isn't the first conversation he and I have had regarding recovery. He used to moderate AA meetings, so he's not unfamiliar. He just doesn't believe AA can help him. Which my sponsor pointed out that his path of recovery is his, and to keep my focus on me. I have provided phone numbers. I have said he can ride with me b/c there is an AA meeting at the same place and time as my Al-Anon meeting. He has trouble with the AA (Al-Anon) HP concept, he used to be a pastor so to him there is only one HP and I think this is part of it along with he says he wouldn't call anyone to reach out for help. What does this have to do with me? I had to reach my own peace and understanding regarding all this when I first came into Al-Anon. I struggled with the exact 2 same things. I realized that this program has helped me so much that everyone deserves to find their own HP. I realized my sponsor is so incredibly awesome and she has so many years on me and she has been where I am and reaching out to her is reaching out to a friend. I'm learning how to show support and love while also realizing the differences when it's an honest sharing and when it's manipulation. I don't always catch it but the more I read. The more time I spend working on me the better off I am!!
Thanks for responding Jackie. I understand now. It does make me sad that folks think AA doesn't work. That's my problem though. I'm not sure why it worked for me exactly when others struggle so hard.
