Hi there. I'm new to this group.  I live in a country where we don't have Al Anon, so I didn't know where else to turn. I apologize if this first post is rambling and incoherent. I'll try to keep it short. 

For the past few years I've been living with a man who's had a long-term struggle with alcohol. I don't think he is an alcoholic---at least not yet. But he does struggle with the drinking and can become someone else entirely when he's had too much to drink. When he's sober, he's sweet, affectionate, and caring, but sometimes when he's drunk all of his demons come out and he becomes bitter and contemptuous. Up until two nights ago, the contempt was reserved for other people. But this time it was directed at me, which suprised me and hurt me to no end. 

I asked him to leave the flat temporarily because I felt like he had finally crossed a line. I know I can't force him to change. Up until this latest incident, detachment worked well for me (most of the time, anyway). But how can I continue to practice detachment if he deliberately hurts me? He would never hurt me physically, of course, but sometimes words are just as bad. 

He has been trying really hard to get the drinking under control, and I am seeing some progress. But when he slips it can be such a nightmare. He has apologized for his behavior and he says he will try harder. He is not a bad person, just a damaged one, I think. He's also been trying to face his demons and get help.

I don't want to abandon him, especially now that he's showing some progress, but I am really running on empty here. Where do I find the strength to keep going? How else can I cope? I love him immensely but maybe I'm already asking too much of love. 

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope someone out there has some advice for me. 

 

 

 

 

Wow I think you did really well. The detachment part is the ability to recognize, as you stated, he's not bad, he's 'damaged' (we often say sick). That whatever tyrade he goes off on while drinking is not about the person directed to, it's about his own internal demons. Learning to not take it personally is not the same as tolerating the treatment. And you let him know you won't tolerate it by having him leave the flat. Honestly that's really great work in my opinion. And setting that boundary the very first time is a big deal - it's so common for us humans to downplay everything. "Oh he had a bad day" "oh I probably upset him" and to let it go a few times until we're finally brewing at boiling point and we explode.

Setting the boundary first time (I can't be near you when you treat me that way) gives him a big warning. I think many here understand the "different person" while drinking. My dad is such a mild mannered, quiet tough guy who is like a teddy bear with me and my siblings and all our kids. But for a time while we were teens he took to drinking too much for a couple of years, on and off. Finally I'd say 3 or 4 times he crossed the line with my mom and several family members including us kids told him he had to stop, so he did. But it was a side of my dad I never thought existed it was very unsettling.

You said no Al Anon but what about AA? Can he go or would he? Of course he has to want to go but maybe as you set boundaries he will get to the point of "ok now I have to actually do something about my drinking". Welcome and best wishes.

You're doing good...physical detachment is one form of detachment.  There are no free passes to abuse in the wedding vows that I have read and said and for the disease of alcoholism which is progressive (gets progressively worse if it is not arrested by total abstinence) the chances that it will come to abuses of many sorts is a given.  AA is in the Phillipines and Al-Anon also. Follow up on the link that CG shared cause it is so very important that you come and sit with us when ever you can.  If you don't get to one soon check out the daily meetings on the MIP chat room.   Keep coming back ((((hugs))))