The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Al-anon says we can be happy and content whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. We learn this by using our tools of recovery. We take our hands off and give everyone the dignity to live their lives as they choose, and we, too, live our life. For me, it was a process of discovering who I was and what I liked, I didn't even know my favorite color when I walked into recovery.
For me, the ACCEPTANCE is about accepting he is going to drink. I cannot stop him. I cannot change him. I am powerless. I can use the tool of detachment to not get emotionally hooked by it anymore, because that creates more peace for me. When I start thinking he "should" change, I am wanting to control. I feel stressed out because I cannot get him to change. There was no serenity in the thought that he should change. So I had to.
Best thing for me was to keep my expectations of him very low. And to shift focus on me and my life, I had to find a substitute for my thinking and obsessing over him, I had to start doing things that I enjoyed.
You absolutely do not need to know what the future is going to look like, that thought only produces more fear and fear makes me crazy. You just want to stay in the day. Today is manageable. Today is good when I am taking care of myself. Typically for me, I build a resentment because I am not doing enough to take care of MYSELF. Everything else will just fall into place and work itself out, we never have to force a thing. Isn't that a tremendous relief?!!
DETACH = Don't Even Think About Changing Him. Work on building your own happiness, focus on doing the things YOU like to do. Stay in the day ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 19th of September 2012 12:38:29 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Im really new to this, i just posted my story and right now i feel very...empowered. I have finally been able to detach from the things my husband has done and how it makes me feel.
But i have a question, while i think having and hearing peoples stories helps when struggling through this process is amazing. Im a little lost on what Al-anon really "believes"...
Is the thought that I will just "accept" his drinking as it is and simply remain detached? Or is it about detaching and allowing the Alcoholic time to make a decision and ultimately moving on with or sadly with out.
While i Pray my husband turns his binge drinking around and have found a way to detach from the actions...I by no means see myself continuing to stay in this marriage long term if it were to stay the same... Today Im still in love with him and Im not thinking about leaving, but I know at some point enough will be enough and my detachment will be more then just emotions.
I guess, the easy part for me is detaching. the scary part is ...whats next? Ive separated myself from his behavior. But what do i do the next time? I wont be as emotionally hurt as before, but i also wont be ok with just "detaching".... urgh
That does help. I didnt know the detached acronym below! very cool.
I guess, you are right in that i cant think about the future. It saddens me though to think "hes gonna drink" but I guess its just reality, unless he changes it. I guess im not as detached as i thought, Im still too focused on the "next" incident and how I am going to react.
I need to focus on today and not try to prepare for the next "event" urgh... just hate to think of that reality. I know, i wont stay with him if i have to deal with this. I want freedom to enjoy my life WITH him, if i cant have that...then I will have to move on. But once again, today, life is good.....
I think initally the al anon program for me was all about dealing with "him". Then it became about taking care of me. I was not that good at that. I'm fabulous at taking care of others but the taking care of me part was and still is very very difficult. I would recommend the book Getting them Sober very much for you.
I think it's different for everyone. For some, staying with, detaching and happiness regardless of drinking or not is what works for them. For some, leaving the relationship is what works for them. In either case the same result is - we aren't trying to change them, we are changing us. I'm finding for myself there's a whole lot to learn about the process of detachment and acceptance, I get a peice figured out and see 5 more coming at me.
I see Al Anon as giving us the power to find our happiness, whether we decide to be with our alcoholic/addictive loved one, or not. I see the getting them sober recommendation, that's a fantastic book.
I think its about you being okay no matter what. It's not about giving them time but it does seem to be about moving on (with our without). Life moves on regardless of their drinking so you gotta move with it right? Alanon will give you tools just to deal with life and to make spiritually based decisions that you can feel good about.
