Hey there... I decided I needed a group to help me stay focused and discuss my thoughts and hear how others are dealing with this crazy thing we call "addiction"

I am married to a man who is no doubt an alcoholic. He is a Binge drinker, the type that doesnt drink a lick all week but feels entitled to getting drunk on the weekend. He isnt abusive to me and remains in control when the kids are awake but he is by all accounts an alcoholic. He stays up alone drinking, he is embarrassing at parties and puts me on edge that at any moment he may get a wild hair up his butt to go out or be disrespectful. So I find myself staying sober to watch him, check on him if I go to bed to make sure hes still home and listening for the door.

About 5 years ago he got a second DUI and for a long time NEVER got behind a wheel. He would take a cab IF he went anywhere, but that didnt make me OK with him going out anyway. Every time hed go out it was the typical Ill be out till 11 just having a few drinks nothing crazy and then a call at 12, then 1 and come home drunk as a skunk at 2:30.

Most recently thought he pulled his sneaking out trick and I heard the worst noise everthe car backing out of our driveway. It was all I could do from jumping in my car to follow him, but of course the babies where home and asleep.  I literally watched him leave and could do nothing to stop it.

After calling his phone 100x and getting no answer I cried. Then.a switch went off. I realized, there is nothing I can do for him now except pray. I am not in control.

For YEARS I have watched and coached him every night dont drink liquor, slow down or youre not leaving right? only to have him do whatever he wanted and feel like it was a kick in the face. So I decided, no more. I will no longer try to control him, I can no longer try to protect him from himself. There is no point, I love him dearly, and he in fact is an amazing father and friend. But every so often he drinks and while it doesnt always end badly, when it does its life threatening and scary as hell And even when it doesnt happen I still live in fear it could at any moment.

I asked him to leave for the week so I could think. I wasnt kicking him out, or punishing him, I just needed to be alone. I didnt want to feel angry and watch him sulk on the couch and say how horrible he is or how sorry he feels. I realized they I needed to detach. I needed to come to the reality that I dont have to DO anything. I dont have to leave him, I dont have to hide our dirty little secret or even try to help him. I just need to be honest to myself.

I let him come home last night, I told him I just wanted to him to listen. I told him I was letting go of control. I wasnt going to tell him what to do or how to act. I logged on here today to keep me focused. To remind me not to read into it. I asked him not to respond to me and when I was doneI almost asked him to respondthen I realized, I know exactly what he would say. Ive heard it 100x, I realized for the 1^st time those words didnt helpthey made it worse. Because he knows what he needs to do, and yet, he chooses not to. So why should I try if he doesnt? its really that simple.

Anyway, I hope that this board can be a place for me to stay focused and strong in my self.