The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It does sound like some serious manipulation. I didn't realize that a HUGE part of my drinking was just the need to grow up. It took over a year of going to meetings daily to even begin really starting to act like a man instead of a manipulative, self-centered, boy. It takes ongoing meetings to not revert backwards.
Not to down play sponsorship, stepwork, and doing service too.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 19th of September 2012 08:10:51 AM
My husband moved back to our state last week. We have been seperated by 700 miles for the past 5 months. He told me the reason he was moving back to our state was to be able to see his daughter. I guess that was a lie...which he admitted tonight. I took my daughter to see her daddy last weekend. I guess it just isnt enough. He wants me to take him back. He wants to move back home. I am not ready for that. I told him he needs to be clean and sober for at least a year and we need marriage/family counseling before I would even CONSIDER having him move back home. He says he has been sober for a few months. He wants to come home now.
He is telling his family that I wont let him see his daughter. I drove 2 hours to take her to see him and then drove 2 hours to get back home. He chose to not allow her to stay the night. I would have let her. The place he is staying at seemed ok, and he was not using. He said he couldnt as his didnt ask his roommate first. Understandable. I agreed to bring her back this weekend and have her stay the weekend. Thats not enough. He wants to come back to the house. He wants to play with her here at our house. I keep saying no. My boundary is that he is not allowed at my house. My son wanted to commit suicide because he felt so uncomfortable in our home when my husband was here. I am holding firm to my boundary. He is really really pushing me.
He is sober but he doesnt need meetings. He says he is better, but them tells me that he has been thinking about suicide. So, this tells me he is not better. It seems to me that he really doesnt know how to deal with his feelings/emotions.
He is telling me how much he loves me, and he doesnt understand why I cant just be with the man that I love that loves me back. He doesnt get it. He says I need to forget about the past, and just start all over. I cant do that. I wont do that. It is the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! He tells me tonight that he wants to be back with his family by Christmas, I told him that is not gonna happen. He tells me tonight that he is a good looking guy and he has had lots of chances of being with other women, but he isnt doing it, because he loves me and only me.
I love this man. I really really do...but I just cannot continue with the insanity any longer. I cannot tell him what he needs to do to feel better. Every time I talk to him, I feel like I am being manipulated and intimidated. It is so very frustating. I would cut all communication but we have a daughter together...ugh
Without AA or NA, will he never realize what our issues are?
I am handing him over to his HP...and I am asking mine for the strength to hold my boundaries.
It sounds as if you are taking such good care of yourself in the face of really strong pushing at your boundaries.
It is ironic that he is trying so hard to convince you that he is better, but because you are healthy you can recognize that his pushiness, impatience, boundary-testing, threats and wheedling show that he is not healthy at all.
Everything I've seen shows me that without a solid longterm program of recovery (not just him going dry and declaring that he's better), he will continue not to "get" it. It takes a long time to "get" it and it's a gradual process, and the support and structure of a program is crucial. As they say, you can't fix your sick mind with your sick mind. So his sick mind is not going to put him on the right path all by itself. His reluctance to go into a real program of recovery shows how sick his mind really is.
It sounds as if he will keep pushing and pushing and you may get lots of practice at boundary-holding. But it also sounds as if your son is really depending on you to hold firm and protect him. Not to mention your daughter and yourself.
Addicts just hate it when we change. They do everything they can think of to make things the way they were. If he really were ready to go all out to heal the relationship, though, he'd be in AA like a shot.
It sounds as if it might be time to step up the fuel for your recovery -- more meetings, sponsor, readings? Keep on taking good care of yourself!
looks like you are getting the benefits of working on your recovery. It is hard but he has choices to and why should they choose recovery if people keep enable.
It has to be a hard place to be and I can't imagine how difficult to know how much pain your child was during all of the chaos that was reigning while the addict was still living in the house. My kids were a big factor in some of my decisions, they didn't have the final say .. they sure had a right to be heard.
Keep the focus on you and what your boundaries are you have gotten great ESH.
Meetings, sponsor, reading and so on .. gotta keep up the good work. 5 months is not a long time in the big scheme of things.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It sounds like you are holding strong to your program which is awesome. The conversations sound like talking to an A. I am sorry this is so hard and I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
That line kind of says it all, at least for me.... If he is/was serious about his sobriety, he would be doing a lot more than going 'cold turkey' and white knuckling it....
Your boundary, of one year sober and then going slowly - sounds like a great one....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow......You are amazing, congratulations. Sounds to me like you are working your program, hang in there. Nothing worth while is easy. It does sound like some serious manipulation on you AH part that you are standing up too. Good for you sticking to boundaries and thank you, you give me that extra push to hang onto my boundaries. My prayers & thoughts are with you. Icie
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
Thank you all! I felt pretty good about holding my boundaries and am so extremely proud of myself! I do have to admit that my son is what is keeping me strong. I just keep thinking of how horrible my son felt while my husband was living with us and how much my son has come out of his shell these past 5 months. I will not risk loosing my that.
I know my daughter misses her daddy tremendously, but there is nothing I can do to take away that pain for her. All I can do is show her love and compassion and validate her feelings. I can now provide her and her brother with a home where they feel comfortable and safe. My AH is choosing to live the way he wants and there is nothing I can say or do to help him. I am allowing him the opportunity to grow up on his own.
I am so thankful for this board to be able to share and read.
My dogs are one of the reasons I stood firm with the now ex A. His treatment of them was so appalling.
I am so glad you have this program and can take care of yourself. I have been on the drama go round many a time. Getting off it takes a lot of courage and persistence.
