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It's been a while since I've been on to read or post anything on these boards but here is an update and maybe you all can give me some advice.
Today marks two weeks that my AH hasn't drank (if I am to believe what he says) and two weeks of me living with my parents. The friday before last, I called the county court house for papers for divorce and recieved them the fallowing monday. As of yet, i haven't even put a pen to the pappers because I'm in a constant back and forth as to weather or not this is what I really want. (Those who have been fallowing my story already know that I'm not only thinking about leaving due to the Alcohol, but due to the fact that he's left buises on my arms, mostly, due to rage fits.)
Here is where I get lost in my own world: Someday I think of divorce as the best option and hands down want one, other days I question myself and refocus on the things I love about my AH and all the great times we've had in the 3.5 years we've been together. Being back in my parents house makes me feel like I'm still the same 18 year old i was before I even met my AH. I feel like I have to resort to lying about the fact that I talk to my AH nearly every night. I feel like if i was to go back to my husband, after he truly does recover, I will be the bad guy! Even just the mention of my life with my AH seems to upset everyone. (especially my mother and sister)I've always hated living in this house, my family is far from what you'd call affectionate, carring or normal, and the longer I'm here the more antsy I get about making a final choice.
Can someone please just help me find a way to cope with all of the voices and negativity i constantly feel around me?
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Weather by irony or fate, this Al-anon site came into my life when I needed it the most, hours before I even knew I would need it this much. I thank you ALL for your kind words, inspiring stories, and support!
You sound very confused. Face to face Alanon meetings and finding an Alanon sponsor is always a good start. Alanon recommends removing yourself from a violent situation which you have already done. Alanon also doesn't discuss therapy in meetings but does recommend seeking out such a professional if you feel you need a little extra help beyond a 12 step program. From what you posted, your husband has more than one problem. He's abusing his body with alcohol and he's physically abusing you. From what you posted you have more than one problem. You're bruised physically by him, you feel pressured to make a life changing decision because you're living in an emotionally uncomfortable space and you don't know what decision to make. I would get to a meeting and keep coming back. The answers will come to you and living at your parents house might feel a little better with some Alanon tools to get you through for now. Keep sharing. Hugs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I can really relate to you post about the negativity towards your husband. My family loves to voice their opinion about mine! Just remember, you are doing what you want to do. Your feelings matter. Think about you and what you want out of life.
I was mentally and verbally abused by my AH for 12 years. I am still doing the sea-saw with what I want. We are seperated now, and when I dont speak to him, I feel confident and happy. As soon as we speak, I feel like all my previous thinking was wrong and that I am breaking up our family. I know I need to stop talking to him long enough to realize what I want. My AH is very manipulative and due to my childhood (alcoholic father, bipolar mother) and the sexual abuse I experienced in my teens, I have very low self esteem. This low self esteem sometimes pushes me to believe that my AH is the only one out there for me. That he will be the only one that loves me. Problem is, he doesnt know how to love...he only knows how to control and manipulate.
I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. I second what tiredtonite said...find a meeting, get a sponsor...talk it out with someone in the program. As they say in the rooms of Alanon, we understand and relate like no one else can.
We are all here for you sending you much love and support. dragonflys
My very dysfunctional family used to love bashing my exAH behind his back. I no longer allow these conversations about any of my loved ones amongst anyone, my boundary. I hope you can get to meetings. I know the answer will come from within you when you are ready. Sendingyou much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You do not have to make a decision on the divorce right now - that can wait while you detox from the abusiveness and gain some clarity. Being in your parents home may not be the ideal place but your ARE in a safe place for now even tho it has such a dysfunctional history.
At one time, I, my husband, 2 kids had to live in my sister's garage for almost a year.(hubby out of work due to medical problems) It was extremely dysfunctional - alcohol & drugs were on the menu every day. It was live there or live on the streets but hubby & I focused entirely on getting ourselves back on our feet as soon as possible and eventually moved into a little rental house - old & run down but it provided us with the serenity that we had lost.
Have you given any thought to looking for a place of your own, i.e, small effeciency apt? If you can swing it, you'd be able to focus entirely on yourself & your future without the meddling from your famiy - any decisions you make about your future need to be based strictly on YOU and not what your family thinks is best for you.
