Angry at his family - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Angry at his family

Kismet · Veteran Member

I am so angry I hardly know where to begin. My AH has been in business with his family for the past 20 years; they are all co-owners of a restaurant/pub. The setup and environment has always been toxic to the sons, my husband's brother was going down a bad road with drugs until he met his wife 8 years ago and has been the model of responsibility since. The sons were earning pitiful salaries and both living at their parent's luxury home in their mid-30's while working shifts at the restaurant. The parents have been pleading poverty since I have known them yet they live very well.

Around 5 years ago the sons took the reins and immediately AH's brother slipped into the administrative role and stopped working nights. This left my husband with the dark side of the industry and his drinking got worse and worse. They were barely on speaking terms when AH and I met 7 years ago but it has got better. They tolerate each other but there is no relationship to speak of and neither really knows what the other is doing. Fast forward to today and my husband has been in rehab for 43 days. I go to the restaurant for my grocery money to be told by an admin manager that I have to speak to the parents if I want any money! They are cutting me off because my husband has been spending too much and the restaurant is in trouble. The brother doesn't even have the decency to talk to me himself, he leaves a message! The dynamic of this family is so toxic that they cannot even speak to each other about finances. All they do is say "wow, things are really bad, we can't pay rent. lets have a beer". The brother has been painting his house, buying his wife extravagant birthday presents, throwing his daughter a huge birthday party (all this in the last 3 weeks) yet I am being questioned about the meagre amount I spend on groceries?!?!?!! I forgot to mention that the brother's wife comes with a freeloading family (father, sister & boyfriend, mother).

I think this is God's way of steering us to a new life. We need to start a new life altogether anyway because the restaurant is not good for him but now I am looking further afield. Perhaps we will pack up and move to the other side of the country, we have great friends there, some family and the right doctors for our youngest daughter who has a heart condition. We shouldn't make such big moves so soon into recovery but I don't see any other way forward.

*sigh* one day we will be rid of his horrible family.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know how you've been able to stand it for this long. I am very glad your husband is in rehab. 43 days is excellent and very hopeful.

I can see that the brother's family doesn't feel comfortable telling you about their brother's/son's spending. Unless you were a financial partner in the business it is up to your husband to tell you. It would have been a kind gesture if they had given you a little money for food, unless they've done things like that before and are frustrated.

I had to learn that everyone's relationships with each other are separate and private and none of my business. So if my brother's wife breaks his heart and steals his money I don't so much as snub her if I see her. I don't people-please either, but I don't get involved.

I hope your husband chooses not to go back to work in a bar again - any bar. The environment itself is toxic to an alcoholic and not just because of the booze. It will be his choice of course. In recovery we keep the focus on ourselves, we can't control other people. We can only make choices regarding who and how they are.

I have thought of moving away from toxic people but in the end it doesn't matter where I live, I have to resolve things. I am trying to use Alanon tools with my family too. it's difficult but meetings help. Best of luck.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Am I right that you're a stay-at-home parent or wife and that your husband normally would be the one giving you the money? Did they owe him money for his work which they have not paid?

In dysfunctional systems like this, I've found it life-saving to keep control of my finances. Alcoholics are completely out of control about finances, even in the unlikely event that their families are more reasonable.

It sounds as if everyone's been going to the parents for money, and the parents are inconsistent about giving it out?

I don't know how much you're owed, but I hope you can find a way to have an alternate source of income soon. Relying on this set-up for steady support is a recipe for disaster, it sounds to me. It sounds as if you're entirely clear on that.

I hope you can get to some Al-Anon meetings. It's a big job to disentangle ourselves from the madness, and no one should have to go through it alone. Take good care of yourself!

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh boy!

My SO [wife] had to live back to back with my family for 20 years.

so much intrigue and jealousy- she did not so much want to walk

away but to run... and in the end I chose to follow her.

I think in the early years of family it is good to have relatives around...

but we all have to 'cut the apron strings...' myself included.

Thanks for the share -D.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

"I think this is God's way of steering us to a new life."

oh wow, I think your conclusion is beautifully accurate, thank you sharing your FAITH, what an inspiration

The way is ALWAYS an uncertain future. but faith is believing that we are cared for by a power GREATER than ourselves and certainly GREATER than the disease of alcoholism. I am walking with you, my friend, you are not alone. In the scheme of things, I want to rely on God for my security, rather than the alcoholics in my life. You are going to be just fine ((hugs))

Kismet · Veteran Member

When he went into rehab I was told that things would continue as normal while he was away. When I speak to him about the situation he says I must take what I need, end of story. I have a small income which covers my personal expenses (phones, accounts etc) but the weekly living expenses have always come from his business. I understand that things are very tight but there is a way of doing things... no wonder he is in rehab.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

I blamed all kinds of people for my drinking...in the end it was up to me to stop. i'm glad he's in rehab and pray he goes straight to Alcoholics Anonymous the day he gets out...that's what i did and I never had to drink again. from there everything got better including the choices I made around finances.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.