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I am struggling this morning. I am blessed and thankful with the life that I have. My AH fixes dinner most nights. He works hard and I tell him often how much I appreciate him.
The cooking, this point is making me miserable. You see 2 weeks ago he made bbq. I made my sandwich to my liking, piled with slaw (2 different kinds) and bbq sauce. I "hurt his feelings". I didn't "try it the way he made it". The resulting "conversation" had him pointing out that he fixes dinner "because he loves me and wants to show me". Which I understand this. This isn't the first time the whole fixing dinner because I love you and want to show you has come up.
He calmed down, only to start working himself back up again with the question of are you seeing someone else. At that point I left for the night. He just wasn't going ot let it go, he had been drinking, I was not going to stay and let it all escalate again.
Last Christmas he gave me a Kindle. When we got married I (willingly) donated or sold my book collection. I've always loved books, always loved to read, always been able to get lost in a good story. I found a good series and Sunday read 2 books. He was watching football I was reading.
Yesterday I had to get a temporary crown. I got home asked if he needed help fixing dinner. He said no, so I sat on the floor so the dog could sit on my lap (b/c the dog isn't allowed on the couch) and I read. He had dinner ready, I said thank you, I sat at the table and ate my dinner. I said thank you this is delicious.
It never matters how often I say thank you, how often I say I appreciate it, it's NEVER ENOUGH. I NEVER EVER REALIZE HOW HE COOKS BECAUSE HE LOVES ME AND HE SHOWS ME BECAUSE HE FIXES DINNER. Can I tell you how many times this conversation has been had.
I have expressed that I appreciate it. I have said thank you. WHAT MORE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??????
I ate my dinner. I put my dishes in the dishwasher but left everything else because he had not yet eaten. I went and sat by him on the couch with my book. (kindle). He said don't get comfortable I'm going outside to smoke. Instead he got up and fixed his plate.
OK so at this point I've gotten to the intense part of the book where the crazy psychotic ex husband has escaped from the prison and he's appeared at the lady's house and he's shot the man she loves and he's carrying her into the woods, and naturally I'm completely absorbed in my story.
This may have been about 10 minutes. Meanwhile instead of coming back to the couch he sits on a chair across from the couch. I was waiting for him to come back and sit down, I was into my story, and meanwhile he's sitting on that chair absolutely stewing because he got up and refilled his plate twice and I never noticed.
So he's furious because I didn't even know he was there. So then it goes into I fixed dinner because I want to show you how much I love you. At this point I just want to gag I'm so sick of hearing it.
It's hard not to react, and I did. I tried to go to bed, and he just kept repeating essentially the same thing.
This morning at 4:30 when I was getting up I explained (I mean he's most likely sober at this point I guess) that I understand that he shows his love by making dinner, and I've always said that I appreciate it. I pointed out that showing me love would be letting me ENJOY MY BOOK IN PEACE. I pointed out that showing me love would be letting me read, I got into trouble when I didn't realize that he was even in the room. I pointed out that is the first time that has happened. I also stated that showing me love would be not giving me such a hard time for my calendar. Which I try really hard to balance it but October is going to be a very full month.
He says so me feeling neglected and not saying anything will show you love. I'm thinking manipulative and controlling much.
We got engaged after 4 weeks, we got married pretty soon after that. It's now been a year and 3 months worth of marriage.
The topic of travel, friendship, schedule never came up in pre marital counseling. The fact that we weren't together that long before we got married, means it never came up.
Today would be one of those days that I want to undo I do.
The catch, I know how good I have it. I know how generous, funny, sweet, and pleasant life can be. I dated a whole lot before him. Pushka talked about her hobby and I realized mine was dating. My hobby was always dating before him. I would get bored, let's date someone, I feel skinny, let's date someone, I feel large, let's date someone, I need some entertainment let's reactivate that profile. I worked a lot so my go to for dating was online dating.
I also would meet guys out. So I have dated enough to know that my husband has some wonderful qualities.
Pinkchip said something the other week about how our A's are not 2 people. It's not the good one and the bad one and that really clicked for me. My husband can be a jerk whether he's drinking or not. When he's drinking it exacerbates the negative.
I understand that I have a lot to be thankful for. I understand that I am very very blessed. I just don't know how to deal with the situations that I have outlined above.
I got lost in a book for 10 minutes, and the insecurity of my husband made that completely unacceptable to him. OK but how is this my problem?
I tell him I appreciate him all the time. Yet it never matters because we're going to have the same conversation again. I don't know how to move past this.
I need to learn how to get past this point because I am so sick of being stuck on this wheel!!!!
-- Edited by Jackie11 on Tuesday 18th of September 2012 08:15:18 AM
I totally get this. I often felt with my AH (now separated from) was a bottomless pit of need, no matter how much I expressed gratitude for things he did it was never enough for him and the pit could never ever be filled. I always thought if I was just grateful enough, said enough nice things to him about his contributions that eventually it would sink in - it never did. He was constantly negative too, any small thing that went wrong would send him off on a tangent, and I grew tired of worrying about every word that came out of my mouth or every action I made being mis-perceived by him. It is an exhausting way to live.
I made the excuse for years that despite his 'quirks' he was still the best I had found. I often tell people now that the only thing worse than being alone is wishing that you were. After ten years of this I finally had to realize that it wasn't my job to fill his pit of need, he had to do it himself. You aren't alone in your struggles, I get it totally! Am rooting for you to find your way and what works for you, whatever you chose do it mindfully with your best interests at heart. Hugs and prayers, ts
I used to be that way. I was so insecure in all my relationships and in general when I was drinking. I figured if I got up and did something for someone, then I was entitled to have my ego fed for a good while. I rarely did or was able to do nice things for others with no strings attached. I never understood my partners wanting to have or needing to have "me time" because I always wanted their attention to make me feel good about myself. I wanted and needed to be validated like a little baby all the time cuz I lacked the skills to do that for myself.
Jackie, I don't know what to tell you to "get off this wheel" as for me, the only way that I stopped acting that way was when I got into recovery. I am not sure how capable he will be of seing his role in this and seeing how his cooking for you IS sweet and nice, but the expectations he has of you fawning all over him and stroking his ego constantly about it are due to his own neediness, insecurity, and brokeness.
Perhaps knowing this may aid in detaching further - I don't know. I certainly identify with the dynamic though.
"I am not sure how capable he will be of seing his role in this and seeing how his cooking for you IS sweet and nice, but the expectations he has of you fawning all over him and stroking his ego constantly about it are due to his own neediness, insecurity, and brokeness."
This just hit the nail on the head. Now what am I going to do about it? About all of this? I'm handing it up to HP.
I didn't cause any of the above I can't control, and I certainly can't cure it. What I can do is realize all this.
I am confused as to the dinner set up at your home He cooks for you" to show he loves you"--you eat, put away your plate and come in to relax. He then gets up to eat by himself and comes out and is insulted because you are reading and ignore him.
It would be nice if dinner was a shared experience and a social for each of you. Permitting him to "show his love" by not participating in the cooking and preparing of dinner , then eating alone and appreciating his effort is destructive to the unity of your relationship.
I Had a somewhat similar situation and worked it out so we both shared the entire dinner experience.. We now both discus dinner plans. Shop together for food, prepare dinner together One sets the table, makes the veggie and salad and the other the main coarse. One clears the table one does the dishes . All the time we are sharing and talking. Then after this it is time to relax "with me" time. Each doing his own thing. He can demonstrate his love for you in many different ways each day. The song "Little Things Mean a Lot " Comes to mind.
You say you are so blessed in having him and you realize how good you have it. I just want to tell you my story about that.
I chose men who had many good qualities -- of course, no one starts out with someone who has no good qualities. But I had selective vision. I thought because they had good qualities, they were good in relationships. And because I hadn't had many successful relationships -- well maybe even not any successful relationships -- I thought here was my big chance! A man with great qualities! I must not let him go, I must think positively and appreciate him, because someone with all these good qualities would probably never come along again.
When I look back, I see now that I was looking at them so selectively that I had myself bamboozled that they were good partners. They had good qualities, but they were not good partners. I had a completely distorted idea of how many good partners were available in the world. I thought that was as good as it got. I thought the problem was that I just wasn't interacting right with someone who was as good as it got.
What I see is that your guy has few relationship skills and that he is manipulative, demanding, and needy. These are not things that any partner can fix. They are not even things that any partner can convince the person to work on himself. Add to that, he is an alcoholic, as I understand it. Drinking numbs people out even more and they are even more detached and self-absorbed.
As I see it, you are entirely right to think that these dinnertimes ought to go more smoothly and that reading your book is not something that should be a big issue. And if issues do come up, healthy people raise them in calm ways rather than manipulative ones or demands about how much one person loves another and are they properly appreciated and all that.
Not that any of us is perfect. But we are responsible only for the part we bring to the equation. We cannot be responsible for getting them to behave healthily. (Been There Tried That.)
I wish someone had asked me: if you knew that he were going to be exactly the same for the rest of his life, what decisions would you make?
I hope you can get to some face-to-face meetings. We get sucked into the insanity and recovery is just as important for us as it is for them. Hugs.
@ Hotrod, occasionally he takes me up on my offer to help, and when he does it's very pleasant. The topic of dinner is ongoing. Honestly he won't not cook, and while it's not that I don't appreciate it, I could really care less.
@ Mattie, I love my meeting and I can't wait for tonight. Although I'm giving the program and I know I have to stay objective and keep the focus on me, and on a topic and I'm still praying for the topic. I always hesitate to post here because I understand that I do have a lot of wonderful blessings and I feel guilty complaining about anything when I know that life in my house has improved so much since last year when I first came here. I can't make him healthy. I have to keep my focus on my program. So when it comes to this I have to let go of the guilt, I'm not the reason for the insecurity. I'm not going to be manipulated into isolation. If he stays the exact same as he is now for the rest of his life then I can deal with it. If he reverts back to how it was last year, no I wouldn't and won't stay.
just a quick one the whole dinner thing really reminded me of myself...(im not the alocholic my bf is ) but i would always be found at the kitchen cooking delicious food (usually lengthy complicated meals). I now see that i wasnt doing it because i loved him, i was doing it to control (oh is't she the best she cooks great food for me).
But i know see while i was doing it i was resentful, i wasnt doing it with love it was done to say hay look what i do for you stop drinking cos im doing this for you, its a need thing, and so could understand when they just repeat the same thing over and over and it becomes a flash point. Anxiety builds around meal time, the time when couples should come together and share.
hugs
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
