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Please help me to understand denial. It is one of the most frustrating things for me to deal with and I truly don't get it. Do you REALLY not believe that there is a problem with your drinking and do you not see the hurt and damage that you are doing to your family? Or is it done as a form of protection because you can't face what you are doing but deep inside you see how you and the people you love are being affected? I could deal with things so much better if he was just able to say and mean that he knows how badly he is messing up but he doesn't feel like he can stop and he is sorry rather than nothing is wrong, you're the one with the problem and you are messing up our family by leaving.
-- Edited by WornOutMrsFixIt on Monday 17th of September 2012 08:37:09 PM
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I am not an alcoholic however after working the 4th and 5th Step I found that I too was very adept in using "Denial" as a tool to cope with situations that I could not or would not handle.
Growing up in an alcoholic home this tools was honed to perfection. I learned how to deny reality, create my version of what was going on and BELIEVE it. I saw that my life was being affected by someone else so I jump on them to change . I d deny any part in the difficulty and insist that I am the victim.
Alanon taught me that I have a huge part and was responsible to own that part and then seek recovery..I was asked to examine my motives and look at myself .
Denial was a usual tool that enabled me to focus outside myself and remain a victim. It never solved the problem and when reality finally hit it was so very painful.
I am not an alcoholic, but do believe, from the bottom of my heart and experience, that "denial" is not something that is only displayed by alcoholic/addicts.... The same questions could be asked of many of us - rightfully so - can we not see the anger/bitterness/depression/hopelessness that is taking over us, when there is help (Al-Anon) available? Our behaviors - perhaps not as life threatening as those of our A's, can be similarly devastating to our own (and our loved one's) peace of mind and serenity....
Untreated Al-Anonism is as much of an issue as untreated Alcoholism and/or Addiction.....
The doors of Al-Anon, AA, NA, etc - help break down those doors of denial, that plain and simple - get in the way of our healthy living
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Wornout...I understand what you're feeling and the frustration you are going thru...I also went thru the same thing and I also went thru what Hotrod and CG are talking about. With the alcoholic/addict what helped me some was the early definition in the meetings of Al-Anon and inforced upon me that this is a disease and not a moral issue. She wasn't a bad person, she was a sick person and then the definition goes on to include me and how sick I was and how I affected everyone I came into contact with. Denial keeps me from blaming myself when others are blaming me also. Denial helps me to stay away from acknowledging that I am a "Bad" guy and do bad things. Denial helps me to stay in the "I'm okay, it's not so bad" perception and denial gives me hope that I can beat this thing and be able to have it and everything else also. In denial the picture is skewed...warped and the mirror is shrouded. Denial is protection. It also tells me that if I don't see it as she sees it than I still have some control and I won't have to join her and acknowledge that somehow, somewhere, sometime I will have to do something about this...thing...that owns me. It is more important than anything else in my life...it is my life and I can't ever feature letting go of it.
If you are looking at him and expecting someone else then you have a denial of your own to deal with. He is a man with a life threatening disease that affects his mind, body, spirit and emotions. He has a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body...If he breaks thru the denial his mind will still be compulsed to drink, his addiction will cause him more discomfort than you can and he will have to drink. His allergy will include his body, his family, his finances, job, all relationships (including those he drinks with) and everything else until there is nothing left. He will get more insane and if he doesn't arrest his drinking he will die. He denies all that because the chemical owns him. There is nothing in his life that gives him as much of a reaction and response faster and more profoundly than alcohol and other addictive chemicals. God can do that, you can't do it, the family cannot...nothing can. He won't deny that.
I was told by my early sponsor to kill all my expectations and to focus solely on my own recovery and turn my alcoholic/addict wife over to my Higher Power. I had to give up all denial that I was powerless and my life was unmanageable. When you let go of denial you can face reality. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
You will never know how much denial he is in versus how much is just anger and self-pity or a combination of all 3. He may be aware he has a problem. He may feel sorry he can't stop. That does not mean he's going to verbalize that to you. You can't control where he is in his phase of addiction.
Self-centeredness is at the core of alcoholism. He perceives his pain is so great that he HAS to drink right now. Right now you are causing him pain and that is making him drink....amongst other things (just plain old alcoholism is making him drink mainly). My ex pretty much said the same things to me....along with how I had it so much easier than him because I could just "walk away and forget him." UM...WHAT? Like you - I actually left a house, took next to nothing with me, started my whole life over, got sober myself, and moved in to a place by myself for the first time in years. He didn't do crap. I went through all the hard stuff and he just kept drinking and feeling sorry for himself. The distorted perception of being victimized by the world is just staggering. I know my ex viewed things this way to elicit more enablers and to keep up his pattern of drinking.
When I was at the worst of my own alcoholism, I was aware that it was negatively affecting others to some degree - but mostly it was all about me. I felt entitled to unconditional support regardless of what I was doing. Even to the degree I may have acknowledged drinking was a problem, I was convinced it was not the cause of relationshp problems, job problems, social problems, mental health problems. I only made the connection that it was a problem in terms of passing out, the amount of time I spent drinking, the health consequences... I did not have a grasp on how all encompassing the problem was. Only in retrospect was I able to admit that I was a total slave to alcohol and it had damaged and controlled every area of my life.
When he is busy saying "It's your fault!!!" You can just picture Sick, Sick, Sick on his forehead like they say here cuz it's true. The real words are "Why do you have to force change upon me and stop enabling me!!! No Fair!!! You enabled me this long!!! This is your problem and you should keep enabling me!!!"
I think you just described my Abf to a T.... Pretty much they just want what they have had and don't want their world to change. I think my A knows he's hurting others on a superficial level but really doesn't want to EXAMINE it to where he has to actually own his part in it. When we argue, (which is often) he'll place most of the blame onto me.
And I'll be honest with you all here, for some time I started to beleive that I was serioiusly flawed there for awhile. I'm starting to see, I'm okay. And with help he can be also. But he has to want it.
