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So my AH got out of bed just long enough yesterday to go to his parents house for a family lunch and ended up having a big blow up in front of them. Seeing all this in the past his parents knew what was going on with him. They have been dealing with his alcoholism and drug addiction for 20 years. In and out of rehab and jail. Anyway when he failed to show up for work this morning, she called me and asked where he was and if I was ok after the ordeal yesterday. I broke down in tears and we had a long discussion about everything that had been going on. I told her he was still in bed and she wanted to go talk to him. She was tired of him treating them and everyone the way he was and was going over there to tell him he had one last chance to get help or she was finished with him. I know that's not going to do any good right now, but she wanted him to know how she felt about it. His parents have put out so much money getting him out of trouble his entire life and they are just tired of it. And of course after she got there he just yelled at her, then called me and yelled at me. Wanted to know what had he ever done to anyone, did I want a divorce. I just listened for a minute and finally hung up. Her going to see him probably made things worse, but he knows how they feel about it. Just not looking forward to going home.
It's such a hard thing for family members. His parent might feel that asserting themselves and giving him an ultimatum is going to make a difference. They're doing the best with what they have to give him. I bet his mom is feeling a lot of hurt just like you and just doesn't know what to do. Maybe if his parents are open to it, they might try an Alanon meeting or two and see if it helps them or you could tell them about this message board if they aren't ready for face to face meetings.
As far as getting your own feelings out about all of it with his mom, well.... don't worry about him and what he thinks about all that. You don't owe his disease loyalty. Since they have such a long history with the disease, you can bet it's not the first time they've called him on his stuff. Detach, this too shall pass, Jamie. Hugs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I'm curious why they are checking up on his work? Either he goes and stays employed, or doesn't, no one else will be able to fix that for him. I don't know enough about your situation but if he's "active" boundaries for those who love him need to go up. If my ex in laws called to ask me what was going on with my ex, the response would be "you need to ask him".
His blowing up is a way to make sure no one confronts him or makes life uncomfortable for him. When my ex blows up at me, I calmly say "I'm done with this conversation" and hang up. I dont' even tell him to call me when he's reasonable, he's a big boy he knows that!!
And mom and dad will enable no matter what anyone else does so best thing I can see is to stay back and out of the way of your husband and inlaws relationship. Refer them to him and him to them when it's directly about either of them. If he blows up at you when you get home, you can engage or disengage. I would probably opt to disengage - "I'll be in my room if you want to talk respectfully" and then walk away.
This disease leaves a lot of confusion and disaster in it's wake :(
So things actually went well after I got home. The subject was never brought up until we went to bed and we discussed things. Neither of us got mad, there was no blame thrown around. We did discuss what he thought would help him the most right now and he wants to go back to counseling. He asked me to be patient while he worked on his faults. I told him I was going to go back to Al-Anon meetings to work on me. I have no expectations, he will do what he's going to do.
When AH and i had our huge"it" moment...well actually it was more like months lol tons of ppl got involved. parents/siblings/friends/ppl in the town/and even "professionals" from another state! lmao. and heres my thoughts, which youre prob like omg whatever. it all depends on the others involved's personalities i think is the word i'm looking for. how THEY deal with/handle/and contribute to the situation. His sis made things WAY worse.his parents did too but because that sis is the golden child and her word is gold. and it really wasnt. heck it wasnt even "true". my best friend helped. she kept me grounded. her "knowing" was good. We ended up having completely new situations to deal with because his family "knew".but it really wasnt so much they knew as they chose to blame and not be able to say..yes my son/brother has a prob. a BIG prob. it was easier for them to blame me for everything. which didn't help my codependancy...at all. lol pls know u can PM me if you ever need to talk...i'm always around! Gina
Hi .....I am new to this group. My story....I was married to a alcoholic for 10 years he conned me, manipulated me, verbally abused me.I finally got into Al anon, started to heal..told him to either get help for his drinking or leave,I wasn't about to leave the home with 3 small children & he knew I meant business he choose to continue to drink & found himself a lady that drinks with him....30 years later they are both still drinking & living a social assistance.
I got on with my life, found inner peace, started my own business raised my three boys. Life was pretty good until the disease raised its ugly head once again. I thought I had won the battle. I had got the kids into Ala-teen. I had many talks to the boys about the disease the whole nine yards. One son is a full fledged practising alcoholic.....He was married to a beautiful lady who is a Doctor, She left, got a divorce, they both got joint custody of the kids. He now has a lady that has two kids & who also has a drinking problem.They drink together & he controls her100%. He has lost his oldest son, he has nothing to do with his father.His two daughters still go there every other week, but tell me horrid stories. I did phone their mother & we had a talk & she mentioned she did not like the kids going there because of some things.....My reply was I was wondering why you let the kids go there. I personally have let go totally of that son physically, no help , no contact. Its better for me. I pray for him & worry about him, but I know there is NOTHING I can do or say but let go & let God, whatever will be will be.
Now for one of my other sons, he married a party girl, she was so much fun ( yes a alcoholic ) They have two little kids....Once again I have to bite my lips, as he is in denial. So I sit & wait until he is ready to reach out for help. They go to house parties take the kids as everyone's kids are there also. By elven o'clock he goes home alone with the kids as she is just getting started & so are all the other.
So long story short, if it wasn't for al-anon I would be crazy, totally insane, locked away in a nut house. Yes I hurt. I have had my heat broken, I have been verbally abused by my alcoholic son...I walked away he is not welcome in my life.......My worry now is all my grandchildren. I have them over as much as I can handle. Buy them cloths make sure they know that I love them & am always here for them. Go to lots of Al-anon meetings
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
Well his parents are the only other ones involved and they aren't the type to bring others into it. So hope we can keep the drama to a minimum with other family members. Of course they all know his history and wouldn't be surprised.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting today in a LONG time! And it felt great! My AH was even glad that I went. I hope to get to more because I KNOW it's what I need to get me through this.
i feel if you have any chance of survival..soberly..lol is that a word? u have to support each other. and it prob wont always be easy. but if you are both serious about making it through..u have to be 100% committed to your own "healing" and each others. i will my inlaws didnt want others involved. they are the type that love drama. and that made things really hard for me and ah. luckily for us, 3+ yrs later and ah has been completely sober, they all have amnesia. lol. none remember things they said to me or him. but we do. and i remember telling our therapist July 28th, 2009. that one day this will all be "swept under the rug" and i'll be stuck holding the bag. they'll forget all they said and how they hurt me and i'll be the one dealing with the pain. and i was right. but i'm still learning to work it through. and like i said, all that matters is my, my hubby, and our children. if his fam needs to not remember to sleep well at night so be it. you need to do what you need to do; for you; to make you as healthy as u can be.
AH parents seem to forget also. After he's done with rehab they think its all over and life is wonderful, of course until he does something in front of them to make them think differently. Then they seem shocked. They also don't feel like Al-Anon is necessary. They don't think he needs AA as much. As far as how they treat me or him, there are no problems at all between us. We all just want whats best, but I feel they do too much at times and have enabled him his entire life. So yes I am just gonna work on me and go from there.
