I am afraid to share my true feelings - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am afraid to share my true feelings

katfshh · Senior Member

I can see why you want to have this conversation with him. As a nurse, I know exactly what you mean about diabetics who are non-compliant, it's more than a little frustrating to watch. Maybe you could just express your concern? Tell him that diabetes is frightening to you because you know too much about it. Explain that you watched someone that didn't control their diabetes and what affect it had on them AND their loved ones. Tell him you are only bringing it up, because you care and not because you want to tell him what to do. Then just listen and leave it at that. At that point keep your eyes and ears open and see if there are any positive changes. You don't have to jump overboard quite yet. Just give it a little time to see how he responds.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs BF,

You can tell him how you feel just like you can with an alcoholic/addict.

Can you accept if he chooses not to change? I go back to what mattie has always said if I knew things were never gonig to be different would I choose to make the same decisions today. You didn't cause this issue, you can't control it and you aren't going to cure it. You aren't going to make him want to take better care of himself.

I do agree that having an open honest conversation about it is a very good place to start. To thine ownself be true, because only you can answer if you truly can accept the situation if he chooses not to change.

I can also relate to how scary it is to be that open and have no clue how to do so in a healthy way without trying to fix, manage and control the situation. Sometimes the answer isn't an easy one that comes out of the whole conversation. You aren't going to know unless you take the emotional risk and put it out there. I think my fear alone of those kinds of conversations have stopped me from having them and that kills emotional intamcy. I don't know why Kelly Clarkson's new song Darkside keeps running through my mind. One of the lines I remember is "Will you still love me if you see my darkside." and that is something we all want in knowing all of the excess stuff that we bring into a relationship will someone still love me if they really know what I think, who I am, and even those parts of myself I don't like.

Maybe doing a 4th step would help in this situation to look at why you are fearful to be open and honest in this relationship. As well as whatever other things need to be brought up. A one shot deal on these steps only uncovers the first of many different levels of onion skin, some skin is much thicker than others.

I would encourage you to give it to God, pray about it as well as talk to your sponsor and really think about doing a mini 4th step regarding what is going on and see what kinds of answers you get before having the conversation.

Hugs P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds as if you are hoping to control or change him... It certainly would be better if he lost weight and took care of himself, just as it would be better if alcoholics stopped drinking. Undoubtedly he already knows that, just as alcoholics have heard it all before.

Eating habits are just as hard to change as drinking habits -- or else we would not have so many overweight people in this country. Every single one of those people would like to be thinner and healthier. As I remember, the success rate is something like 2%.

I think the red or yellow flags don't only go up about our partner's behavior, they also go up about the patterns we find ourselves in when we hang out with certain kinds of people. We jump right back into the patterns of "I am so uncomfortable when he does X so I'll try to stop him doing X" and "It's for his own good that he should change, so I should start working on that." You could make healthier meals and urge him to walk with you, but aren't you taking on the burden of his health then? Would the three C's apply here?

The trouble is that of course they have wonderful things about them, or we wouldn't be with them in the first place. I used to assess every relationship with "How strongly do I feel about this man?" And typically I felt strongly, because I picked men with some wonderful qualities. But wonderful qualities (some) and feeling strongly don't make the match a good one. I think I should have asked myself, "Are his faults faults I can live with assuming he never changes them?" and "Is the dynamic of this relationship healthy?"

But it sounds as if you're looking at this with a lot of awareness. Take good care of yourself.

JJ21 · Veteran Member

I am diabetic and not good with watching it either. I either go on a health kick and watch everything or say to hell with it and eat anything. I guess it's like binge drinking.... My ex hated for me to focus on my health because then he had to eat wheat bread... If he road me about what I ate I would have had to get rid of him or really tell him off. I guess he didn't like my comments about his drinking either..lol

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

What comes to mind is: he'll either take care of himself, or he won't, what will you do? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't take care of himself? or do you want to find yourself down the road taking care of him when he should be taking care of himself?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Especially adding a boyfriend whose behavior you have to try to control, right? (I say "have to" meaning the way we feel compelled to, whether or not that's a wise choice.) Maybe the kind to add is the kind of boyfriend who already practices healthy self-care. That kind takes less turmoil.

-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 18th of September 2012 12:30:10 PM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I know my feelings of wanting to control are rearing up and I am having issues with his lack of self care. I gently broached the subject of that and my other issue of needing space with school, work and kids. I am sensing he needs time now that I am speaking up about things, so I will try to be patient. I am wondering what I was thinking trying to add a bf with all that I am already juggling at this point.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with LMHeart. completely.

We have many people in my family who are diabetic or have other blood issues.

My brother for one.

If they are an adult, it is totally up to them, their disease. What we can do is be aware of the signs their blood sugar is shooting up or down. As they are not always aware of it.

I don't know that sharing how you feel is a good idea. The reason is, putting myself in anothers place, I would not feel comfortable if someone said to me I have a hard time being with you, knowing you could pass out at anytime, yet you still go out in the cold and heat! Well that is just part of me! So you are saying you don't like me for me.

It's not like you can change him, or expect him to just becuz it bugs you. I do understand of course. But for me, I keep it inside.

I have a friend who worries about her weight constantly. She is a gourmet cook big time. I arrange a lunch every month for her and some others to laugh and share etc. She will eat well normal but have a few beers. Not an A though. BUT the calories are huge. I say nothing. It is up to her. I love her, I want her comfy around me.

NOTHING feels better to be loved in spite of ourselves. My quote at the bottom of my page here. It would make me feel so uncomfy if someone bugged me like that. I would feel I could not be myself around them.

I also agree with it sounds like you desire friends who take care of themselves. nothing wrong with that!

To be honest I am having trouble with my body. My inability to exercise, or just be as super active as I was is so hurtful for me. I don't mind being healthy and not being a stick.But I don't like this seeing my body soften. I am almost 60. If anyone pointed it out to me, it would hurt me. dang I see it myself!

NO one likes their imperfections pointed out.

So I guess it is a matter of what you can accept or not. I don't think its fair to be around someone, call them a friend yet who they are bugs me.

Same as with the a.

so what a good thread!

I gotta say, you know I want you happy. As far as what made you start this in the first place....when we are who we are, a little attention is very nice. I mean all my goat had to do was lick my arm, and get all excited when he saw me......

hugs hon,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.