The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Don't forget alcholism is progressive too so I presume the person "who he was" kept degenerating lower and lower. We expect people will learn from their mistakes. That is human nature. Alcoholics don't necessarily learn from mistakes while they are actively drinking. Hence, the expectations are not the same.
Just be careful not to have all your trust in people eroded. That would be giving him a piece of yourself for keeps that he should not own.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 17th of September 2012 07:49:59 AM
On my current journey, I keep thinking of something I heard on Oprah probably 20 years ago. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them!". Wow. So simple, so true. In looking back on my life I realize that often times, with my current AH, he kept showing me who he was: an alcoholic who had no regard for my feelings, a liar, a cheater, a selfish human being in most ways. But I kept not believing him. He was showing me who he was time after time and I just kept doing mental acrobatics to not believe him, made excuses for him, focused on who I thought he could BECOME vs. WHO HE WAS. And what a mess I made of my life because of it. I think at this point in my journey I really finally need to get this lesson, so that when people come into my life and show me who they are that I simply believe them, decide if I like who they are and either move beyond them or let them into my world. It works on so many levels. I think for me, this is my biggest struggle with relationships. Just some Monday morning first cup of coffee thoughts. I hope everyone has a great week! ts
I agree so much, Trudy, and also heed Mark's warning - to not let this jade us to the point where we stop trusting everyone..... For me, I still go by the old adage - I trust and believe in people, until they give me reason not to..... I like being "a bit" on the naive/romantic/hopeful side - I just tend to think that this whole learning ordeal around the alcoholism has increased my overall awareness.... I let very few people (aside from my ex-AW) treat me poorly...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have had the tendency to rush in and trust everyone and am finding not everyone deserves my trust and that's ok. The strength of my trust is directly preportioned to the level of trust in my HP, whom I choose to call God. When I trust that God has my back then my own disernment and trust in myself is much higher, I know better whom I can trust and how much so without the expectation of constantly being let down. I think sometimes I was always in a hurry to "make" someone hurry up and let me down so I didn't have to trust them. Now I'm taking the time to get to know them as a person and watch their actions as well as their words .. do they match?? If so that's someone I can trust and time will tell exactly how much.
Keep coming back, hugs P :)
PS - There are people out there who DO deserve our trust and we know they can trust us. I also know I"m not perfect and really try to focus on what my actions are dictating in that regard.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I do relate to your post but I cannot say I was an angel, that I saw some "potential" in him for him... It was all for me, I wanted him to be who I wanted him to be... for me. My part in my suffering was that I wanted to see what I wanted to see, that was my denial. It may be more accurate to say that I was in love with my prejudiced and hopeful ideas. I had wishful thinking and was not living in reality.
In recovery, I have had to learn to trust MYSELF. Because while I certainly noticed he was a big party man before we married, and he raged plenty at me (again, before we married,) I simply did not trust my own inner voice that said, "this feels bad." I did not trust MYSELF FIRST. Part of my recovery work is to discover the exact nature of MY wrong, so that I can make amends, in this case, to myself.
Please note, I grew up in an alcoholic home. In an alcoholic home, it is common to emerge with distorted thinking and not even know it. I married my husband because it was all so familiar - he treated me like my parents did. So I married him.
lol
I still love myself though, I did the best I could with what I knew. And you did too, my friend (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 21st of September 2012 09:33:22 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
