The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life has been a lot harder for me lately. After some soul searching, i have realized that i have hovered some serious issues that i have had with my first love from almost 20 years ago. I met him when, he had just been released from a halfway house. needless to say he was very emotionally abusive to me. i tried for almost three years to get away from him and i even moved out if the state where i lived. i was always too afraid to tell him my real feelings, because like any addict he maipulated me to think i could change him. i moved back and he left on bad terms once his parole was over. i did not hear from him for another two years. he called one month after i got married. i did notcall him back. since the whole FB thing we have spoken and i have a chance to finally tell him how i feel.
i am still married 17 years!
i guess im wondering if there is a point where you just let sleeping dogs lie. i would like to hear what people think of this?
I imagine the key is one of expectations. Often when I have the impulse to tell someone how I feel, I think I have no expectations, but if I follow through and do it, and they react badly (which is usually the case), I find myself angry, disappointed, or upset. I realize that I had secret expectations -- so secret they were a secret from me too.
One Al-Anon saying that has helped me is: "Recovery isn't winning -- it's not playing." I realize that a lot of my impulse to tell people how I feel is an impulse to win. But in a struggle with a damaged person we can't "win." I also always imagine that somehow now I can control my responses and I'm healthier and this time around I'll be able to say the right thing and have realistic expectations. Boy, I just got myself into this same situation earlier today. Either one of two things happens. Either the person isn't healthy enough to have a healthy conversation, and they react badly and then I'm upset and mad at them and at myself. Or else they do react well, and I am so happy and relieved and all the old cravings for closeness come back. And I get closer to them for a while and then their damage starts coming to the fore and they start to hurt me and it's very painful, even devastating, even more so because I started to let myself trust again. That's my experience.
Other questions to think about might be why you're engaging with someone who was an emotionally abusive addict that you once had to move states to get away from, and who it took three years to extricate yourself from before. Is someone with that kind of record in your life someone you'd advise a friend to open up to? Where does the impulse come from? Are there other stressful things going on right now that this might be a distraction from?
Yes, my marriage is in trouble. I have allowed these issues to cause problems.
I feel like confronting this person will help to complete the journey of me taking back my power.
I agree that recovery isn't about winning because it is not a game. I just want this person to hear what I have say and then tell him that I forgive him! To me, doing this is the key to setting myself free.
I only have expectations i have are of myself and what I have promised me. I am not sure why I feel so strongly about doing this?
