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Yesterday I got so incredibly furious at both my AH and his mother. We were in the car, heading up to spend the night at my sister's. On the way, one of my twins wanted to call his dad. He has been writing and mailing letters to him. I have encouraged that (or journaling) because I think it's important for him to get his feelings off his chest. He showed me the first letter. It wasn't an angry one...more just describing how much he loved and missed him, wanted him to get better. Anyway, I told him not to expect a reply, because I don't even know if AH's sister (whose house he is living in, but stays in the in-law suite downstairs with his mom) will give it to him. So my son decided he wanted to call and let his dad know it should be there in the mail today and that he really wanted him to make sure and get it.
I don't want to be the parent who tells their child that they can't call or speak to their dad. I had misgivings, and I warned him that his dad probably wouldn't answer the phone. He's turned off the ringer down there and refuses to take any calls from anyone. But my son wanted to try anyway. His grandmother ended up answering. My son asked to speak to his dad, and she said she would "have to check and see if he was there." He heard AH say in the background "tell him I'm not here." My son then told his grandmother that he heard his dad, and knew he was there, and please let him just talk to him for one minute. My mother in law reiterated again that his dad wasn't there, and it was her daughter's voice that my son heard. My son said he knew the difference between his aunt's voice and his dad's. After a pause, I heard my son start crying a little and he asked his grandmother "Why doesn't my dad want to talk to me?" She just said one more time that he wasn't there. So then he got it together a little bit and said "OK, well, can I just hang up, call back, and leave a message for him on the answering machine so he'll know what I wanted to tell him?" She said that would be fine. So he hung up, redialed, and got a busy signal. They had taken the phone off the hook.
He must have tried calling back numerous times for the next fifteen minutes. I tried to discourage this. Said his grandmother must not have hung up the phone properly. But he knew and was just devastated. I am so, so worrried for my children and the hurt and rejection they are feeling from their father. They are too young for Alateen. I do have us going to a family therapist, but at this point I think I just have to put my foot down, be the bad guy, and tell them they can no longer call their dad or even see him (if I can get a judge to agree to this at our divorce hearing on Oct. 11th). I can't stand seeing my boys go from being the bubbly, outgoing children they once were to kids who just want to lay around all day, looking sad. How do you help children learn to detach? I'm not even sure they are old enough (8,8,4) to understand what that means.
Something that is mantra at my house is this .. whatever their dad does or doesn't do their dad's issues are NOT about them. It has now become a little joke to an extent when something happens they both look at me roll their eyes and laugh and say we know mom. So usually the only thing I get out is Whatever your dad .. and they finish the rest. My 8 year old has made some very profound observations on his own about his dad. I find that the more I validate what they observe and ask questions. This is not to say I don't get frustrated about the situation, the reality is I am powerless over other people, places and things. This includes people taking phones off the hook. Acting like jack wagons, doing things of the nature where I can't control and I can't understand lying to children.
It's not about what I think, it's not even about what he thinks. It's really about the fact that I can only support my children the best way that I can and give them the love and safety that they need and want. The biggest thing that I have found is that as I heal and as I am ok .. my children are ok as well. If I am NOT ok the kids are not either.
My son has not started therapy as of yet however my daughter is seeing an addictions counselor in our area. She goes when she feels the need. There is no alateen in the area. I do try and teach them through my behavior and language about the twelve steps. I have been slow to introduce the alateen books however I do think it's something that is a good thing.
I have to focus on ME and my own recovery, that means getting to meetings, finding a sponsor and reading alanon lit. Keep coming back :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((((CE)))))...How you do that is mentor your own detachment and you empathize, empathize, empathize without all the explanations. I use to work with lots of youth and lots of times I'd just give hugs and say...yep you're right it hurts like hell and you're not responsible for it. Then I ask them to talk about how they see it and how they feel about it and just nod, nod, nod. End it with ((((hugs))))
All you can do is talk to them and let them know, yes it hurts, no it is NOT thier fault that their dad is sick and needs help, without him seeking the help, he is hurting and will continue to hurt others. I have had this conversation with my oldest since she was around your 8 year olds ages. She knows and gets it and has great dettachment. Take them out and live. I know it is a hard time and I am sorry these little people are hurting as well as yourself! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Oh OUCH really. In time your son will realize who they really are. If it were me I would make every opportunity to explain this is NOT about your son and VALIDATE his reality.
"Yes I believe you, you heard your dad's voice and they told you it wasn't, I believe you and you believe you don't forget that". "Your dad is sick and doesn't feel up to talking to you, it's not that he doesn't love you, it's that he's not ready to talk yet and we don't know how long it will be before he's ready". "You did your best, you let him know you want to talk, now it's his turn, he needs to let you know when he's ready, we can't push him to talk we just have to wait - and probably letters are a better idea right now".
They need to know the other parent loves them no matter what the behavior is, any other message kills part of the child (ie: your father is flawed). They need to know SOMEONE believes their reality. They need to know they have one parent they can count on during this time.
The rest comes later. I went through years of this with my boys being fed an alternate reality, being filled with anger at how their dad and step mom lied to cover things and then got them in trouble when they confronted and they wanted me to fix it and I couldn't. I just reminded them "you cannot change your dad or how he acts" "he loves you even though sometimes you don't believe that" "I believe you and I'm sorry you have to go through that".
Now my boys are teens and live in reality. Their dad is irresponsible, cannot be counted on but is sometimes fun. They accept the fun side and come to me for anything where an adult is needed. I"m ok with that, we have fun too and they no longer feel like they are at fault for their dad's behaviors. Just now going through it with my 9 year old, he's in the recognition stage and it's pretty painful. He bounces back and forth between "my dad is cool" and "I hate him". In time they do learn to detach as long as we help them realize it's not about them.
