I've been the scapegoat of my family since I was 12 and that, plus the fact that I was just "born sensitive" led me to a lifetime of suffering, drinking, drug use, unsafe sex, approval seeking, and shame.

I'm 46 now and have been through the 12 steps as laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It took me 2.5 years to do all the work and I had a spiritual awakening and really changed. For the first time in my life I was completely honest and could look the world in the eye. I was very, very solid.

My sponsor did a good job passing me on the directions but she had little experience, and codependency did not come up in my inventory. She did however mention the word "scapegoat" to me and I coudn't really look at it yet. Then right after my 5th step I tried to save a guy coming out of prison and I ended up victimizing myself. He character assassinated me and I was ostracized from my community. I believe I scapegoated myself unconsciously so I would be forced to look at my family dysfunction.

Over the last 2 years I did much more work in AA and wrote another inventory, and I now do work in ACA & Alanon as well. My family gave no support when all this stuff happened in my life and everytime I'm about to pull out of the scapegoat role my father begins a "honeymoon" phase with me. That is always followed by a period of the silent treatment and constant rejection.

Right now he is ignoring my phone calls and emails so I've decided to stop them altogether. For the foreseeable future, if he reaches out to me I will respond honestly, kindly, and briefly. Same with Mom, who loves to manipulate me and try to get me not to respond honestly, robbing me of the most important principle I obtained in the 12 steps, the courage to be honest (again, with kindliness).

My brother is coming from out of state today. He gives me the same amount of consideration everyone else in my huge extended family does - very little depending on how he feels like treating me. I am crazy about my niece and he knows how badly I want to see her. Last time he brought her here I decided to, for the first time ever, opt out of the family party because my mother's sick relatives who try to shame me with horrific comments were going to be there and I didn't feel like dealing with it right now as I try to heal. I asked my brother if he would drive up the street to my house so I could see the 3 of them and he wouldn't do it. Yesterday I received only a phone call from my mother that he is coming with my 4-year-old niece, no email or anything from him. I find it disrespectful that he would assume I'll just show up, diving for crumbs, as expected.

Also, I feel uncomfortable going to my father's home when he's been rejecting my calls and emails (again). And my mother will be having no food at all (it's her form of withholding and control).

As badly as I want to see my niece, what I need is to heal instead of making myself sicker by tolerating all this from everyone. So i decided not to go. I just said I was sick which is a lie, but next time I will handle things better in advance. Like asking my mother if my brother asked her to invite me or even mentioned my visiting with them. And after a while of not contacting my parents things should be easier to deal with too.

I have made formal, direct amends with all these people and have changed any reactions I had to our dysfunction. I'm an excellent, loving daughter. I figured that wouldn't chagne our relationships but I had hoped.

I have to act from a place of honesty. I refuse to tolerate abusive behavior any longer. From anyone. The way this recreates in my own adult life is deadly and the changes have to be made today.

As I spend the next year or whatever detaching, I believe I'll be able to work on acceptance - and heal.

I hope I made the right decison about giving up seeing my niece today.