The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, my name is slogan_jim and I would like to share on the notion of acceptance.
I am feeling very lonely tonight. It's a saturday night, I am young, I should be out partying and having a great time out on the town. Then again, I feel like that is what is expected of me and not what I truly want right now. Right now, I want to relax and save some money. Growing up in an alcoholic home, money was not always there and the alcoholic was laid off several times and declared bankruptcy in his lifetime, I made a decision a long time ago that I would do what I can to ensure I didn't live my life like that. I have to give the rest to my higher power.
I did have an opportunity to go out tonight. A friend of mine asked me to join him at a TIFF party (I live in Toronto, Canada) but the prospect of spending $20 on taxis, $50 to get in, another $50 on drinks and then food, all for the prospect of MAYBE seeing someone famous for 30 seconds did not intrigue me. I did not feel that was worth it. Celebrity culture never particularly interested me.
My past behaviour and my work in al-anon has caused me to drift away from a lot of my old friends. Many of them spend their time in bars, one is a graduate student, I find that we see eachother less and less and we will only drift further apart.
It is moments like tonight when I wish I had a girlfriend I could spend some time with. Growing up, I was always ashamed of my family therefore afraid to bring people home and never thought I deserved to be happy. Life was about surviving and preserving my sanity and not living and growing up properly. I feel that society judges me because I have yet to find anyone.
I am involved in activities (soccer, work, al-anon) and I enjoy them. I meet women, talk to them, in some cases ask for their phone #'s and go on dates, but I have to accept. Some people go through life never finding that someone and much like my financial resolution I vowed to not be that guy that ends up alone. I have so much to offer. This one is much more complicated though.
I refuse to settle, and refuse to rush into it. I have to accept that it is not in the cards right now and may not be at all. I have to accept this is where I am now and this is where I am meant to be. My higher power has a plan for me and right now he's asking me to save money, stay active in al-anon as a speaker and GR, and socialize with people unattached.
Thank you for your post. It's amazing how this is the first post I read today and I really needed to hear it.........You are not the only one who feels that way about dealing with old friends.
Despite the fact that I was involved in the local arts community (a lot of socializing there, with wine, drinks, etc afterward) after I've dealt with alcoholism in my marriage, I don't feel I relate to non-program people the same way. After dealing with alcoholism/addiction and it's costly effects (financially, mentally, and emotionally) for some reason it's not the same. I can be dysfunctional and say "Oh it's everyone else's problem!" or really it might be the vibe I might be giving out...
In the end it does not really matter except for the fact that we know we are CONTENT wherever we may be overall. :)
Last night my best friends since grade school (non-program) had a party and they didn't call me back when I texted them. I ended up having a good movie night with the kids and my currently sober husband.
When I was going through my "crisis", one of these "friends" said I had turned into someone totally different than what she knew 10 years ago and that she missed the way I was 10 years ago.......Then, I was a life of the party girl who drank and smoked in moderation. Maybe she meant that she generally wanted to see me "happy" and "perky" like I was. Although I'm not as "life of the party" as I used to be, I'm generally still a happy and strong person. They are supportive from time to time and tell me what a "strong, wonderful" woman I am, yet can be judgmental on a whim as well and I feel it's because they don't understand living with addiction or the program.
The upside is that I've found great understanding form Al-anon friends.
"The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special waythe same way we already love you. "
Whenever we feel lonely, we always have the strength of a HP, our inner children and capabilities, as well as our Al-Anon friends....
you're right Jim; Whatever is in the cards right now, I'll deal with it. This is where we truly are meant to be and we take and "change what we can" from there.
