Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Trying not to look!
Post Info TOPIC: Trying not to look!
katfshh


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 266
Date:
Trying not to look!
Permalink  

The other day I went on FB, not through my normal account. I remembered I had an account through an old email address. I went on there and looked at my exA fiance's FB. Nothing much on there, but then I saw his 20 year old daughter, She is now friends with my exAF last girlfriend. They had all blocked this lady when the exAF and I had begun dating. That woman would pop up and bash my exF on IM's, email, FB, everything when we were together. They would tell me that she was crazy and they blocked her. But, now she is allowed back in their life? She was nasty and hateful, and would pop up and call him so many names, drunk...F#@$%, every name in the book. It was crazy She sounded crazy. I'm hurt, but I'm not. I mean, obviously she has been in my spot. I don't think she has ever gone to Al Anon, and she is obviously still very sick. I do see that if she never got herself in the right frame of mind, she would take him back. They had an on and off relationship for 7 years, with many of his relapses. They lived together, broke up, etc..over and over. She was so angry at him when he started seeing me, because they were "friends" and he didn't let her know. And when she found out through the grapevine, she was so upset.

I don't ever want to be like her, I don't want to repeat this stuff a million times over.

But, for me, why is this bothering me? I know they will be miserable, because the bottom line, is nothing has changed. I got out. I have a hard time certain days, because I had hopes, and plans, and I did love him. But, the disease was the biggest nightmare of my life. He has been in recovery since he was 21, relapsed every 6 months -3 years and is now 47.

The last conversation we had, he blamed me for everything that went wrong. He couldn't stay sober, because of ME!

It's totally insane. Any normal person would see that it's the disease and the fact that nothing ever changes.

He puts on a great show when he is "Plugged in to AA." But, in the three years we were together, he changed his sponsor 4 times. It was always the sponsor's fault. Never my exAF. In his words, the sponsor tried to be his dad, his relationship expert, his career advisor. Eventually, they were all the dumb ones and then A would fall off the wagon and drink. Then when he got sober he would get a new sponsor because he needed to change his program. Even certain meetings became stupid and not right for him. Nothing was ever right. But, for those 3 years, I went along with him and agreed with him, backed him up, did whatever he wanted me to do to help him stay sober.

His ex wife and I became close via telephone etc. She is in recovery. She helped me a lot. We realized that with both of us, he would talk about moving to a different state and then different countries or geographic locations.

Her and I talked about the fact that he wants to run away (always has, he was like this when we were together in 1983), but in the long run, when he runs, he always takes himself with him, and then he is still miserable within weeks or months of the change of scenery.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I know I don't want to talk to him or hear from him. I have blocked him, every way that I could. It's been 5 days since I did this little nosey FB look. I almost checked again tonight, but I stopped myself and came here.

I can feel it when I start letting my disease creep up. It tries at least a couple times a week. I feel a little better. I need to sign off and get to bed. I work tomorrow at 0700. It's baby booming season, so it is a long 12 hours!!

xxoo



__________________

Katfshh

~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

Kat - I think you will stop checking, stop obsessing, and stop feeling hurt when a few things happen.

1. Build your new life up without him to be something good and fulfilled so that you don't feel lonely or incomplete.
2. Truly truly accept he is a lost cause (at least to you) and no good can come from entertaining ideas about him

Even after I have done those things with my exes, I still occassionally get mad when I think about them. Only 1 of the relationships ended with such bad closure that I see the type of car he drives and have had thoughts like "I hope that's him so I can tell him F**K YOU!" but that is pretty insane since my life has nothing to do with him any more. Nonetheless, I loved and trusted that guy and he hurt me.   That particular one cheated on me and lied the whole time we were dating.  I was naive and stupid and I guess the anger is really anger at myself for letting myself open up to someone who would do that to me. It's hard, but I don't dwell in it.

With the ex-A that I was with 7 years - I don't obsess over him.  I truly tried everything to make that relationship work.  I don't feel mad at myself for getting suckered with lies - I don't feel jipped or whatever.  I fully accept he is who he is and that person is not for me.  I also know that his drinking hurt him more than me and I feel sorry for him.  Also Kat - You got to know your ex-AF pretty well, so there's no need to check on him.  You can probably guess and predict what he's up to anyhow so what's the point?  You seem to think you are gonna miss out cuz he will be sober and someone else will get the life you wanted (not gonna happen - even if he does stay sober).  Your life is going to be great cuz you will make it so with the help of your HP! Right?



-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 15th of September 2012 09:08:37 AM

__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

So ya first got the thought of remembrance, looked on yours then went to his and so on. Then there you were in the thick of a drama you are working on staying away from.

kinda like sin. Ya see a cute guy, you are married. But this time you go back again the next day and the next. coffee shops tend to have the same customers.this time you say hi, he sees you too. start talking. You KNOW its not really what you want, but..next thing you know you are meeting for coffee. Then one day your car won't start it is raining and he offers a ride....you blow it.

This is how our minds work. Our stuff comes up, but we learn skills to stop them,not allow the the stuff that hurt us before hurt us or be on our minds again.

Maybe next time you will say oops nope not goen there!

I guess it is more, was it positve? Did it make you feel good and like you have integrity? Hey believe me I am the most curious person I know. I suck in information like it was pumpking chocolate cheesecake! I am born and innately a person of attention to detail.lol

anyhoooo, glad you shared! (c:



-- Edited by Debilyn on Saturday 15th of September 2012 12:59:50 PM

__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

 

Aloha Kat...This reminds me of the Al-Anon philosophy of "If nothing changes,...nothing changes".  Pinkchip spoke to changing focus and I get that because it is what I was taught and what worked(s) for me today.  I was also taught to do the opposite of what it was that I was doing at the moment which was causing me trouble.  I read your post and I see the continuation of resentment the pointing of that one finger out at the alcoholic wagging it up and down, up and down.  It is what I was told was the "Al-Anon hand shake"LOL.  I got so tired and angry at myself for focusing on her...her...her that I was sicker than sick and needed literally to stop and so my sponsor taught me the opposites..."The opposite of resentment is forgiveness"  both cannot exist at the same time in the same place and forgiveness gets you the better spiritual feeling and condition.  The opposite of anger is acceptance.  The opposite of blame and judgement is compassion and empathy.  The opposite of fear is love.  The opposite of doubt is faith...there are lots more.  I don't like feeling bads.  I like feeling the opposites.    Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile



__________________
katfshh


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 266
Date:
Permalink  

Pinkchip, Jerry, and Debilyn,

Thanks so much for all of your observations. I do see that I am focusing more on him lately. I need to work on that. Debilyn, I hate that I don't want to know what he is up to, but then look anyway, and get hurt by it. It does nothing positive for my life. This last week has been super quiet. Since he left he has never gone a week without finding away to contact me.

I truly do hate the idea that he will get sober and have a good, productive life with someone other than me. I really wanted that to be our life.

When I pray and look at the signs around me, I see that this is the plan my HP has for me. I feel more contentment, and it feels right. When I let my own self take over, I start having that pity party. I miss stuff, I miss my engagement ring! How dumb is that, and how superficial? My life is enfolding in a crazy, positive way right now. The things that are happening wouldn't have happened if my A and I were still together. I am looking at changing jobs. I have a job interview next Friday. Same job, different hospital. I feel a sense of peace, but then I start thinking and I feel uneasy, curious, and jealous of what he might find after me. ...

Why do I not look at what my life was with him and think, "wow! I really saved myself from a life of hell?!" My friends tell me how proud they are of me, and what I strong woman I am for ending that relationship. They are really proud of me. I am too, when I think of it logically.

I know I am making progress, but I wish it was just easier. I wish I could cut off that part of me that misses him and misses what I hoped we could have together.

That night that I noticed his ex girlfriend back on his daughter FB, I wrote out a big long email to her, telling her how horrible he was, and about his relapses and warning her. Then I deleted it! Thank GOD I deleted it. I have to tell you, it felt good to write it. But, when I really thought about it, it's not my business, and why am I starting that drama, and hello...she knows exactly what she is in store for. She already did that with him for 7 years! And I thought, really I just need to pray for them. That is the best thing I can do. But, that sick part of me was jealous and messed up.

Thanks friends!! xxoo



__________________

Katfshh

~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Trying not to look!