The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some of you might remember the post I had last weekend asking how I would know if I could trust to let AH back into the lives of my children and myself. Well, I have my answer. He's relapsed. He was even drinking the day I posted that topic. He showed up at the house for his first visitation with my kids. The condition was that he had to visit them here and could not drive them anywhere. He asked if he could take them out in the woods (our back yard backs up to army corps property) on a nature hike, so I could have a break and some quiet time, of which I have had none for six weeks. I agreed because the kids were full of energy that needed to be burned off and my house was in need of some serious dusting/vacuuming.
Well, before heading out, he told them he needed to stop by his car first, unbeknownst to me. One of my 8 year olds noticed a brown paper bag on the floor of the backseat and picked it up. It contained an empty carton of one of those 10 packs of 50 ml vodka bottles. This is AH's drink of choice, because the bottles can be hidden/disposed of easily and consumed in one gulp. My son recognized what it was, having found many of them before. Then they went on out on their hike...upon reaching the creek, the kids wanted to play a while. He told them he was just going to walk about "ten yards upstream" and would be back. He left my two eight year olds in charge of their four year old brother, alone in the middle of the woods, so he could wander off and fortify himself. On his very first scheduled visitation. When he didn't come back within a few minutes, the children became frightened and walked to try to find him. Thank God they did, but when they chastised him for going too far out of their line of sight and scaring him, his response was "Oh, get over it. You're eight years old. When I was your age I went off by myself into the woods all the time."
When they returned to the house, I thought I smelled alcohol on him and asked him if he had been drinking. He pulled on his 'aghast' face and vehemently denied it, saying he had been with the boys the whole time, how could he have been drinking? They did not mention seeing the empty carton in the car, nor did they tell me about how he had left them and scared them, and in the past they had always reported to me when they knew he had been drinking. I don't think they were trying to protect him. I think they were trying to keep it quiet because they just want so badly to have their family back together. So, like an idiot, I did not listen to my gut instinct and believed him. I am not much different from the kids, I was really wanting to hold on to the fantasy of being a family again too.
Since then I have found out that he lied to me about going to visit the halfway house that he was supposedly so desparate to get into, lied to me about attending the psychiatry appointment where he was supposed to get the antabuse he was so desparate to get, and lied to me about his intentions towards recovery. The level of deceit to which this man engages is mindboggling. I have had to cut off all contact with him yet again, and am in the process of seeking to reinstate the TPO I had dismissed last week, after he agreed to sign the temporary consent form outlining the terms of our separation until the divorce is final (supervised visitation only, staying away from the house unless I consent to let him come there, etc). My attorney forwarded the form to him the day I called to dismiss the Protective Order. He has yet to sign it.
I'm not sure if I can definitively say I've detached. I'm not sure what stage I am in right now. I was sobbing on Thursday morning when my son brought up his and my birthdays. But then my doctor added 150 mg of Wellbutrin to my daily regimen that consists of 150 mg of Zoloft, a beta blocker to control my blood pressure (which had risen due to the constant anxiety), and Xanax at night so that I can calm down and sleep. So I am not feeling much of anything right now. No tears, no anger, not much. Does this mean I've finally given up and let him go, or is this just numbness, or is it the meds? It's bizarre to say this, but I am feeling a little unsettled at not feeling the intense grief and anxious feelings I had before. I'm worried this is the calm before the storm- anybody have any thoughts?
Good justification for "when in doubt, do nothing" isn't it. You waited and he blew it. They never cease to amaze me. Mine called as I was leaving work at 5 and asked me to stop and have dinner as we had a few things to discuss. He sounded totally sober and it was a public place so I said yes. In the 10 minutes it took me to get there, he was slurring his words. We don't live together. Couldn't he wait until he was alone in an hour? And all he wanted to do at dinner was convince me how well work was going and how he wanted me home. The whole time, I am just trying to be pleasant but restate my boundaries and thinking I don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It sounds as if your body is having a reaction to all this. My experience, though, is that as the truth becomes clearer, the element of surprise wears away. There's still the sorrow, but less of the "Oh my goodness, can this really be happening?" It's more a "Here we go again, I am not totally surprised" kind of dismayed reaction. That means we're getting the hang of realistic expectations.
Do remember that good families come in all kinds of shapes, and that you and your little ones can come through this and live good lives. I know that dream of the healthy loving nuclear family is strong, but it's kind of a fantasy. Throughout history people have overcome all sorts of threats to the family and emerged strong. Who knows what goodness is waiting down the line for you? I know it's hard to focus on that (and anyone would feel so sad at what's happening), but don't close off that possibility. You are protecting yourself and that's huge.
Sending you love and support I am soooo sorry you are going through all this .. it really sucks and there is a light at the end of the tunnel it just takes time.
Hugs P :)
PS - I know it's so hard to keep the focus on you during all of this craziness ..
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Sorry you are going thru this. They never quit. The new meds will make you feel a little numb until they kick in. Maybe a good thing right now. The initial shock of his behaviors is long gone. Even though you had hope for a different outcome I would think your alanon tools and past experiences are kicking in and it's not going to be as bad as you thought once you get over the initial shock. Prayers to you.
Don't feel bad about not feeling bad. I suspect that taking some action and really calling it quits gave you some peace of mind in addition to the meds doing their job.
