Family has cut me off - help - Al-Anon Family Group

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Family has cut me off - help

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi everyone, I haven't been on for a bit but have been reading others posts and always come here when I need some esh. Long story short - today was pretty awful and my family (parents and sister) are cutting me off. I'm afraid it's for good. History - AH is a recovering alcoholic. We have a 3 year old son. We separated one year ago when his life went downhill and he lost his job from the drinking. Fast forward to now, he just passed his 1 year anniversary of sobriety, is doing a strong AA program (co-chairs his home meetings), and a good sponsor with 30 years. He hasn't found a job yet, but is interviewing and feeling good about his prospects. We see each other weekends and sometimes an evening during the week so he can be with our son. Overall, he is doing as well as one could after having their life fall apart a year ago. I'm pleased but cautious, definitely not ready to have him move back, but glad that he is doing well and so long as he stays sober, I think it is good that he have a positive relationship with our son.

My family became totally disgusted with him (and I can't blame them totally) after last year's binge. As the 1 year anniversary of our separation approaches, they have been pushing me to try to meet others and divorce. Bottom line is, I'm not ready, and I don't see the rush. Well 6 weeks ago things came to a head. My mother went on a rampage on the phone and I had to cut off the conversation. I needed a break from the abuse. I tried to reach out to my sister today, and via email asked her if me and my son can come see her and her family tomorrow. I explained it has been a week with a lot of changes for my son (new preschool, etc) and it would be nice to see familiar family. What happens next is the most painful. Instead of answering my email, she evidently calls my parents. I get a nasty call from my father, asking me where I've been the past 6 weeks, accusing AH of being a child molestor (which is crazy) and me of being an unfit mother. He also said if I dont' get divorced they wil permanently be cut off from my life.

I finally told my father "I can't have this conversation. If you want to talk to me rationally I will, but not like this. I love you all but I can't talk to you. "I am so sad and in such tears now that I cannot beieve it. How could they do this to me? All b/c I am not following their orders? I don't understand how they can cut off my son like that. I feel so awful and lonely. I am off this week but generally it is very hard for me to attend meetings given my schedule. I am in tears. I miss them but what choice do I have? They want nothing to do with me.

BlueCloud · Senior Member

Big, big, big hug!

I have been cut off by a member of my family and it was profoundly painful. In my case, my father cut me off and it tough.

In my case, the cut-off occurred, ironically, when I was getting better (alanon, therapy, etc.). One of the truths I had to confront--and this was so so so tough - is that my getting healthier did not mean my dad got healthier. So, even though I could address the issues in a healthy way, my dad could not. He was enraged and there wasn't anything that I said that changed his mind. In my case, my dad is the A in my life and he is simply very, very, very unwell.

However, just because your family is reacting angrily and hurtfully, does not mean you are doing anything wrong. In fact, you are doing GREAT expressing yourself so clearly - saying what you mean, meaning what you say, not saying it me. I was really impressed with how you responded with such dignity AND stood your ground beautifully.

Of course, saying that they will cut you off if you do not divorce him is CRAZY and a sign that they do not know how to detach or have boundaries. You can't really order an adult to have a divorce or else. It's not rational and it's not kind. Unfortunately, I have found that when people are distressed/not well/afraid for us, they are there most irrational selves and won't listen to reason. And, most importantly, can't seem to understand how their behavior hurts us terribly.

When my father cut me off, I got my butt to a meeting and cried my eyes out. People in the rooms understand these kinds of dynamics and they were able to comfort me and be there for me when my own father could not and would not. I hope you use your week off to take very good care of yourself and get to as many meetings as you can muster. Do you have a sponsor? Do you have literature? I read literature, I talked to my sponsor, and I went to all the meetings available in my small town (3x/week). I also got a therapist. A fourth step inventory was also helpful to me to seperate out what was mine, what was my fathers and to help me heal.

I do think it's important to recognize that if you shared what you were going through a year ago - that you may have processed it and healed with your husband - but they clearly have not. Perhaps encourage them to seek out Alanon or to try therapy themselves.

Perhaps you can suggest that you still maintain your relationships but the topic of your husband is off limits because it has become such a toxic subject.

You need support, you deserve support. If you can't get it from your family right now, seek it out from wherever you can, most importantly Alanon.

BlueCloud

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Try not to be too hard on them. You are their baby child and all the suffering you have been through affects them as well. When you are cut, they bleed. And they are frustrated. They weren't there all the times it was good, but they know about all the times you were hurt, and they want it to all be over and for you to be safe and not vulnerable to abuse of whatever kind again. They aren't trying to be mean--they are trying to protect you. And themselves from the hurt when you are hurt. All of this has taken a lot out of them. And they are older and not as resilient. And they probably haven't had AlAnon.

Beyond that, I don't have anything to tell you, except that I am sorry for all of you.

It is great that your husband is working hard at recovery. It is great that you are taking it slowly.

Some of the people who are in a great stage of recovery will be along soon to offer you ESH. Try not to catastophize in the meantime.

Hugs,
Temple

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((nyc))) just hugs cause you got great feedback from Blue Cloud (sounded like my sponsor) and Temple. Try to follow thru on the feedback from others cause you cannot do this on your own. Your alcoholic isn't able to do it on his own and he's doing great...1 year is a milestone...give him a YAY from Hawaii and a ((((hug))))...I got more where they come from. smile

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

I have watched your posts and they have given me hope because of how well your husband has done. I have often admired how you were walking that fine line of being available and around but also keeping your distance and watching & waiting.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

To thine own heart be true.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow.

I'm so sorry you're being put through this.

When I read your post, I couldn't help but think... "so this is what it probably feels like for the A when I'm badgering him or her to change or else."

I know in my life I've had to respect other people's choices... the A's, other friends and family. My own extended family seems to be crumbling to pieces because of substance abuse. My uncle and a cousin and her fiance refused to come have lunch with me when I went out for a visit because my father was there and they've been having problems with him because he told them he doesn't want to be around them if they're going to be smoking pot.

It's their decision to cut themselves off. My invitation remained open. That was their decision, so I just had to respect it. I did not call them and ask them "why" or try to guilt them into coming or try to work to patch things up between my father and them. They're all adults. They can work it out in their own time if they so choose.

I just know when I've got tough things like this presenting themselves to me, the best I can do is be the person I think my HP would have me be... and get to more face-to-face meetings, call my sponsor and read my CAL. Get myself involved in service-work, helps, as well. It takes me away from my problems and gives me time to gain some perspective.

Sending you (hugs).

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

dear one I sure can feel your pain.

Some families honestly do not know how to let go and allow the members to make their own decisions,and just love each other.

They do not know all we do about addiction. My friends were afraid for me from the start. Since I fell for mine at age seventeen, we had so many ups downs and craziness that all knew about. All I knew was he was the one.

When I was lead to MIP, I learned it was a disease, and how to be ok loving an A. I told my friends this, addiction is an illness, he did not choose it. I vowed thru sickness and health and I meant it. If we show strength, it helps them not to feel so afraid for us.

I am sure your family is afraid. They just cannot watch you go thru it all. Now if it were any other disease they would support you both!

They probably feel awful and don't know what to do now. I don't usually bring this up.

My thought is to write them a letter. Keep it simple and short. this is what I have done in hard situations.

I show I appreciate your concern, am sorry things got so out of control. Then you can say what you learned from the greatest program Al Anon. Just a few things.

Myself I would gather information about alcoholism, and al anon. then wait and see if I said what I wanted,and if I still wanted to send it.

When we remain strong and don't lose it, its easier to fix things. And they can be. For one to stand up and say, this is my marriage, my family. We are working hard in a difficult situation where A has a serious illness. I know what I am doing, we are doing this for our son. It may show them that you are in control of you, and they do not have to worry if the disease goes sour again.

I know that pain,my daughter is being a dipstick right now and it tears me apart. But I am learning to stay strong, and ask for HP to guard my heart. Somehow HP will help us find each other again.

Maybe dad saw mom and sis upset so he irrationally was trying to fix it. Men do that. they think they have to fix things. When really, usually in things like this, they blow it. You don't know that sis and mom did not want him to say that at all!

If you are close to your mom and sis,face to face is the only way to really talk this out. Just is. Sometimes when my a was being such a turkey, I would walk up and just put my arms around him and hug him.

It will be ok I promise. It just will. Part of aa is to make ammends. Maybe he did not make ammends to your family. It is really up to him. Most people want others to do better.

Makes me so happy when people in pain come here. It is our home. when we have family problems, we come to our mip family. Let us know how it goes. am very happy for you, a and kiddo.

love,debilyn

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

My answer will be a little different, as Diva IS a little different. COnsidering the accusations made against AH and other problems, perhaps it is best that you keep a distance from those family members for a while. You have to gather yourself up, and you cannot do that while enduring the hurt and pain the family is dishing out.

Sounds like husband is making a good effort to get his life in order, so if you are not ready to call it quits with him, buy all means, don't do so. You sound like a strong, together woman. Set your boundaries however, and insist on sobriety. You will be just fine. And I hope with all my heart, your family and you and son and husband can come together in the future and share a great life together.

Wishing you all good things, Diva

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