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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Why Am I Feeling Guilty
Post Info TOPIC: Why Am I Feeling Guilty
Jerry F


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Why Am I Feeling Guilty
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Dang!! been there and done that and then came to understand many things...one was I learned that sometimes guilt is a emotional consequence of change...doing something different and not being sure that it was right or good or whatever.  Another was that sometimes the changes I did and needed to do went against the grain of old historic lessons I got from parents, grandparents, church, schools, bible lessons...whatever again and I had to work on accepting the rational justifications for the choices I was making and they were rational because not making the change was continued insanity.  (you're gooding well on this one).  Negative self judgement and second guessing can cause guilt and panic and how I use to act this out was I use to "What if" alot.  Drove my sponsor crazy until I sat down and listened...with an open mind...to alternatives.  He told me that in order to find balance with what I was dealing with for everytime I "What iffed" I was then to "What if not" boy did that level the playing field and bring my heart beat and blood pressure back to normal.  An added benefit to that one also was that I learned to stop projecting into the future like I had some crystal ball.  I gave up negative projection and closed the fortune telling business...I was the only customer anyway...LOL  Soooo continue to inventory it...Why am I feeling guilty? and asking for more feedback.   ((((hugs))))  



-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 13th of September 2012 06:39:38 PM

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TrudyS85


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Well, he is only half way thru rehab, I have made it clear when he gets out that he can't come home. Why am I panicked today? I am feeling bad for where he might have to go live, somewhere not as nice as our home. I know I can't live with him, I have lost all trust for him, his verbal abuse and infidelities and suicide attempt have put a knife right through our relationship. He has lied to me time and time again for YEARS about his alcohol use and other activities that no woman would ever put up with, so why am I feeling so bad??? At first I was relieved when I told him he couldn't come home, I felt good about it but today PANIC. Anyone who has been through this I could use some advice on what feelings you went through during this process. Thanks. ts



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ts85
AStrongerMe


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I can only recommend zero contact. I know for me, during that time period I was very vulnerable to manipulation given the guilt feelings (they are misplaced - he got himself where he is). I talked to my sponsor a LOT for a few days in a row to get through it. I kept myself busy (that is my favorite tool - keep moving, no sitting and wallowing/worrying/whatever).

Hugs for you, this is the tough part, holding firm to the boundary we set. But when you get past and on the other side, you won't regret it.

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Pushka


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Hugs Trudy,

I think it is pretty normal and I completely agree that zero contact until you are in a better place, stronger boundaries is the way to go. It is way way way to easy to get sucked in to what they are selling. I have experienced similar things to what you are describing in your relationship and there is still some part of me that even though I know nothing has changed for him .. I still want to believe him. That only respresents to me that I have a lot further to go in my own healing. When I get busy getting out of his way it's amazing how things can turn around for me and even for him. I know how much harm I have done myself when I get in the way of my STBAX's illness. There is nothing I can do to help him or myself the best thing I can do is get out of his way and stay on my side of the street.

Now .. LOL .. I've said it and I have even walked that line .. I still have to give myself the constant reminder that his recovery or non recovery is none of my business. I gotta make myself my own hobby.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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Ok my thought is this.

We fall in love with someone. They become very sick in their addiction, it takes over. But the love we have for that person we met is always there.

To me its two different people, I would think the guilt may be from the man you know he was or "maybe" he could be on a recovery program. But you hate that body walking around that is indeed a walking disease that tears you apart. Its no wonder the disease makes us so sick!

We cannot take one without the other.Maybe this will stop that guilt. Guilt to me is a waste of energy.

I do something too. I don't ask myself why< I ask myself what is making me feel so guilty.

funny how simple things can make a difference. Lots of love,debilyn



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GreenerGrass


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Totally agree with Jerry. Wish I had asked myself more "what if not" questions. Like instead of " what if I'm overreacting and if I stick around things will get so much better( someday)". I should have asked myself "what if things don't change and in fact get worse?" because, sadly, that is a more reasonable question in dealing with this disease. In my opinion things always get worse when dealing with a broken relationship due to drinking drugs and infedelity. Trying to predict the future and waiting around to see what happens is a recipe for disaster. It truley brought me to my rock bottom. But everyone has to navigate their own life. And my only advice is to make plans for if things go really wrong. What will you do? What Do you want from your life? We only get one life to live. Sometimes we have to give up our hopes and dreams about what we wanted to happen and accept what is, and move on from there.

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pinkchip


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Sometimes the change just gets too monumental. It seems like it's happening too much too fast. Just deal with it moment by moment. This is not what you are used to. A drunk cheating husband sucks but at least you were used to him. This single thing is scary huh?

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