Alright I'll be honest, I don't know where this share is going to go. I am in a lot of distress right now and need to vent. I've posted recently about my 22 year old addict son. He was released from rehab for coming up dirty on a drug test. In rehab he was getting high, really?! I was just floored. WE received the call at 3 in the morning telling us he had come up dirty and that he had to leave. He comes up with a story that somebody had put it in a drink bottle and he drank it. By accident. The whole hospital was then drug tested because of this story. Later they figure out, I don't know exactly how, that a girl gave him the drugs and he took them. So of course he was for sure out of there!!! We had made our rules very clear to him and the rehab center that he was not allowed back home. They were trying to help him find another place to go and said he may have to go to a shelter. We said that we would transport him if needed but only to another rehab center or a shelter but not home. This whole scenerio took hours to go through. By 2 pm it was over and he was on his way out of there and on to his girlfriend's house. Whom he had minimal contact with during his stay at the rehab, he was there for 21 days. Day 22 out of there.

I have been so stressed out over this whole thing, realizing that he has been "playing" all of us all the way down to the entire hospital staff. When I get stressed enough I end up getting a cold or the flu or something else due to my weakened immune system, due to chemo treatments I have had for my brain cancer. That is like a small side note yet something I have to monitor because it's my health. Which is actually what is priority ONE for me. But right now seems like it's on the back burner. I am trying to work my program and get myself back on track. But it's all new and I am like an open sore with somebody pouring salt into it. I am on the board a lot reading and posting. It helps to get things out and get some feedback ESH. I really need some H right now. My mom keeps me grounded with HOPE that things will reach a bottom soon. I have actually called the insurance company to make sure his life policy is paid up. Now how sad is that? But we feel that he may not make it. We have heard that he has a plan and is going to prove all of us wrong. Well all of his other plans have not brought him to sobriety. So we must move forward with preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. We have to re-learn how to take care of ourselves first otherwise I will get sicker. Through writing this post I am reaching into myself and gathering my tools together to fight back the negative things that are bringing me down. My tools I originally gathered to help me deal with my AH. Who is in full force right now and basically an after thought because I have to maintain my program with both my AH and my AS.

I truly have a lot on my plate right now and pray for strength to move forward. I feel that it will take a little more time and a lot more meetings and board work. I have started attending F2F meetings with Nar-Anon and intend on going to an Alanon F2F meeting tonight. I need both sources right now and they are sort of interchangable. For now, I must go with one day at a time. I must take care of myself first. I need to do my reading and posting. It helps a lot. I am trying to recover one day at a time!! and then when that's too much one moment at a time. That's simply the best I can do right now. So for now I will keep doing what I am doing and praying for strength.

Yours in recovery,

WT86

Kids....ugh. They will always be our kids,no matter what age.

I am in a lot like your situation with different reasons. But the pain is the same.

My daughter pulled a strange thing out of nowhere. for years now I thought we were doing lots better,and she was healing from whatever she was, is going thru. We talked out some of her memories that were absolutley not true. These memories were bad ones about me. Why didn't I let her see her dad before he died? back then little kids could not come into the ICU! she blamed me for over twenty years for that! I just found out! Lots of things like that.

The thing is, which makes our situations a lot a like is we love them soooo much. The pain we get is horrible. And made MUCH worse from ill health. When I am in pain it is harder to let her go.'

I have to ask HP to please watch over her as I cannot. The email she sent out of nowhere was HORRIBLE. She blamed it on hormones, it was morning etc. But she has to feel them. It tore me apart! What I saw was how she is very damaged and for some reason not healing. even finding out the truth, she does not apologise to me.

She is toxic for me. I have to pray to HP to please please watch over her. To please protect my heart from the pain. I was a widow raising two little toddlers. I was a stay at home baking bread mom. I had NO desire to go to work. I was slammed in to a life NOT for me. so I admit I made mistakes.

I guess what I am sharing is the letting them go. The simple request of asking hp to protect my heart really works. Also asking him to watch over her and give her clarity to whatever demons she is fighthing.

Same with your dear son. Remember manipulation and lies and more are symptoms of being A. I learned to not even ask anything anymore. Why bother? I went by the actions, what I saw. What you hear means nothing.

I have seen so many others in your sons place, going thru all kinds of things that are close to or over 60 now. Its actually very surprising what a person can survive.

You have enough of your own to face. Your son needs you to take are of you. I remember when my dear ex AH told me many years ago when he was your sons age that his mom did not have long to live. Crohns. Then he got drafted, drank constantly, went to the war and started heroin. ugh. Knowing you are so sick youwould think they would get it together. But for the A it is way too much to bear. They drink and or drug it away. They do not have the skills to face hard things.

I invite you to KNOW he loves you. That he will be ok. I honestly believe sometimes all we can do is hold that love we have for someone inside our hearts. And be thankful we have that feeling, even though the other person is not showing us love or is thick into their disease.

Please do nice things for YOU. Put your dear son in HP's hands! He would want that!

love,debilyn