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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Advice Needed for Family Member
Post Info TOPIC: Advice Needed for Family Member
ChrisKNJ


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My wife's mother is an alcoholic.  She destroyed her life due to drinking.  She lost her career, house, pets, and eventually went into cardiac arrest several times and was due to die.

 

She ended up medically surviving and has made huge strides in getting her life back.  She has re-established a relationship with her children, gotten a job, car, and a place to live.  Everything was moving in a positive direction.  She was not however, making any attempt to actively manage her recovery.  She just seemed to quit and things "seemed" to be going well.

When her mother died (My wife's grandmother), that event acted as a trigger and fighting the depression took over and the drinking started again.

My wife confronted her mother and gave her an opportunity to come clean, but was met with lies, downplaying, excuses, etc.

There are 4 children in the picture and nobody knows what the next step is.

I apologize if I have mischaracterized anything here or used the wrong terminology or something, but I was hoping to get some advice on what to tell this crew.  My own opinion is that they need somebody outside of this family circle to help guide them.  They don't have a lot of money and they are not a religious bunch.  They each have their own problems (some of which is no oubt influenced by this situation) and probably won't be serious about attending any meetings, etc.

  

They want to confront her, but they also think that if they do, she'll become more distant and end up killing herself.  I perceive this as a form or enabling her, but I am the farthest thing from an expert.



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AStrongerMe


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You seem to have a pretty good grasp on reality! The short answer is they cannot do anything at all that will help her. But, this is their mom and of course telling them that will not help either.

If I was going to recommend something to the family, it would be that they all join Al Anon (not necessarily the same meeting, just they each find their own), get a few books (Getting Them Sober is my favorite and I learned about it here on this site) and the Al Anon literature and learn about how alcoholism causes anyone in it's vicinity to ignore their own needs and focus on the person who is sick - thereby making the family sick too.

Best wishes and i know you will get really good sharing here. Welcome.

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Debilyn


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I have often said this, sometimes all we can do is love them. Their disease is their own. We need to stay out of it. They know about it better than any of us non A's.

Of all the times, she needs to feel loved and accepted as is. No guilt trips, no talk about she is going to die etc. Its her business.

I am so glad I learned that from right here on MIP. I feel NO bitterness towards my ex AH at all. I hate the disease is all.

love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
hotrod


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Hi Chris Welcome to Miracles in Progress
 
 
I too came to al anon desperately looking for the tools to stop my husband from killing himself and was told: "Alcoholism is a disease over which you are powerless. You did not cause this disease, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it." I wanted answers and solutions I certainly DID NOT want to Hear this.
 
 
Someone gently explained that al anon is a fellowship of men and women who understand as few others can, There are face to face meetings in the community to help break the isolation caused by this disease and to develop new tools to support each other as we recover from the deviating affects of living with the disease.. Once we begin our own recovery we can then look for different more constructive solutions to our problems.
 
 
Al anon and AA are Spiritual programs and not religious AA members do make 12 Step calls to alcoholics in an effort to educate them on the danger of this disease and offer the solution. I have been very pleased with their help. I would like to suggest that you check out the Al anon and AA inter group office in your community. They are listed in the White pages. Call al anon for a listing of face to face meetings for you and the family and attend. Then give the AA inter group number to your MIL and suggest she call.
 
 
Best of luck You are not alone.


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Jerry F


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Aloha Chris...Might just want to say, "I've heard that there is a program for people affected by someone elses drinking and its called Al-Anon and its free and it has literature and groups that might help.  Their hotline number is in the white pages of our telephone book and you can get the meeting times and places from that number.  Than give it a shot yourself."  Suggestions, I've found work better than advise.   Keep coming back cause this works when you work it.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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pinkchip


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If it took her almost dying to get some sober time before - it may take that again. All they can do is say what they wish for her and draw boundaries. Nobody is going to make your mother in law do anything she doesn't want to do. If she is determined to drink herself to death, she will. That is horrible and sad...but it's her journey and her addiction.

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