The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel for people all the time - meaning I feel empathy. HOWEVER, I have learned through painful relationships and even more through work (working with little criminal adolescents) that I cannot make a person feel what they are supposed to feel most of the time.
If a person doesn't feel sorry for what they have done, I can't make them feel it even though I have spent many many many hours trying to teach empathy to morally underdeveloped teens and adults.
Thinking for them....well that kinda stops after childhood ends. You can point out flawed thinking, but if a person doesn't want to hear it - futile once again.
**I just wanted to add that I cannot imagine how difficult this must be when you have little kids plus an alcoholic/addict adult spouse. You are busy trying to teach your kids how to think and feel (which is normal and right) and along comes someone else setting a bad example and undoing what you are trying to impart. The impulse would be to try and get them to think and feel different for the sake of your kids....but I can see from so many posts here that it doesn't work 99 percent of the time and detachment is necessary.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 12th of September 2012 08:32:49 AM
That's interesting.
For me many of the things that others go through that require I feel for them (job loss, loss of a loved one, failed relationship) are things that I have already been through and came out ok. I went through those things long before they've had to, so I was somewhat of the guinea pig.
With both my parents having mental illnesses, I have had to watch them slowly wither in front of me. It's as though I have lost them without mourning.
I lost my first job after 2 months, then found better ones.
For me, it's more of a 'if I can get through it, you will defenitely be fine.'
To add to that, it's not that I don't feel anything, as I would never wish anything negative on anyone. it's that sometimes when negative events happen to others it's almost like a reassurance that they are just as human as I am. As if to say 'ha! Now you'll get to see what it's like in real life'
This can easily be mis-interpreted for indifference.
Defenitely related to growing up around alcoholism.
Lord Knows I have Tried to Do this for others, and also had moments where I Allowed them to do the Same for me! I have been thru Many Changes since My First Step in the doors of Al-Anon/ACOA... And this has always been a struggle of Mine, I think I got Use to Trying to be that person, that in doing so, I Forgot who "I" Was...
I have a Quote that is on My Computer at home & in my Office that i Put there after a Long No-Boundry Relationship I had & it says: "I REFUSE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY OF OTHERS AS MY OWN!" And I do Try to remind myself this EVERYDAY I have to make a Decission that involves Someone other then Myself! The Tools are ALL Here all we have to do is find the Ones that Best Fit for Our Own Life... New Consept for me! But I can See i'm Growing in this Department, so as we state.... Progress Not Profection :D
My original post about "feeling for" meant "controlling how a person feels". It does not say that I cannot "feel for" a person in the sense of having some empathy / sympathy.
Thanks Aloha. This is exactly what I needed to see tonight; I have been away from MIP for far too long. In some ways, I have advanced in my recovery and in others, I have taken huge steps backward. I needed to be reminded that I cannot control how my AH thinks and feels, because he is a full-grown adult entitled to his own choices and feelings, but also because he is increasingly irrational and insane. MAYBE a rational, sane person would at least be capable of a conversation about all sides of an argument. My AH is not, and I then degenerate into attempting to control.
