The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am glad that you are attending alanon and working the Steps. You are working the 4th step which is difficult at times. This is the step where by we look at our part in the pain thatt we are living in. We own our behavior and and motives without blaming others. We are then able to discuss all this with our sponsors. When we do this we get clarity and humility in the process.
Without owning our stuff, and understanding ourselves and our motives it is not wise to attempt to discuss our behavior or the relationship with our S.O. By the time we reach the 8 and 9 Steps we will have healed enough to enter into these discussion. We will be confident enough in our alanon tools and will not be tempted to revert to old behavior.
If you feel that you need meds or addtional treatment please search it out. Many at my meetings have said their therapists sent them to alanon so you could do both Good luck in your recovery
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 12th of September 2012 09:18:37 AM
I'm struggling so much, I feel so lost. I literally feel insane. My AH hit rock bottom 19 months ago when he drove drunk and injured a number of people - he's been in recovery since. I hit my bottom about 6 months later as AH's legal consequences were in full swing.
I've been in Al-Anon for 13 months, working steps for 3 months. I've spent the last 3 weeks working on step 4, this weekend I'm scheduled to work step 5 with my sponsor. I've struggled so much since I've started working the steps, especially since starting step 4. I keep hearing that serenity and sanity come with working the steps - I trust my sponsor and do what she says when she says. I beg my HP daily to help me let go of the past and every day I fail. Every single day sucks for me. I hate when my sponsor says to not talk to AH about issues I'm having with him. It sounds so counter intuitive - wouldn't we heal faster if we talked? When I talk to her she's quick to say move on and pray. How do we, how do I move forward without talking about the past? I've already said I trust her, I do. I try. I try every single day. Why isn't it working for me? What's wrong with me that I can't make this work?
I decided the other day, the years I spent trying to save my family, my marriage, while AH drank completely screwed me up. I've made an appointment to get put on meds and I plan to go into therapy. I don't really expect things to change so I've decided to wait until the meds get me to a semi happy place and just live there. I don't know what else to do.
Help, please.
My question would be why your sponsor doesn't want you to talk to your spouse about your problems. If it's because you're still developing the tools to work things out healthily, that sounds like a helpful idea to me -- although eventually you will need to start getting practice in using the tools. But early on we're raring to solve all the problems and yet it's like having a few swimming lessons and jumping into the Atlantic to swim to France. We're quickly in over our head and it would have been better to wait.
So if it's that, then you will be able to talk out your problems down the line. It will just be more effective if you learn the tools.
If she has some other reason, that would be something to assess.
Either way, my thought is that you should feel free to talk to her about your struggle to figure out how to cope with relationship problems in the here and now, and she should be open and happy to discuss why she thinks the way she does and her experiences with trying it out. It sounds as if the communication is not all it could be. Maybe that's something to talk about to her too.
It's also possible that she's just not the right sponsor for you. Some people are just not in the right place, or just not a good match. Of course we don't want to go trying to switch sponsors every time we hear something we don't like or don't quite understand. But if you make a continued good-will effort to move forward in your recovery with her guidance, and things are feeling bad and just not working, changing sponsors might be something to consider.
I had to step back and sit with step 4 for a long time before I could move to step 5. It had me spiraling and so I knew I wasn't ready. I went to my counselor because my exAH said I needed medication and after seeing my counselor for awhile I didn't need meds I needed an attitude adjustment which I got. I hope you continue your recovery and have you read "Getting Them Sober"? Great book. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The only logic I can see behind what you sponsor is saying is that by step 3 you should be able to let go somewhat. You should have some tools for trusting your HP and believing in some purpose of things. If you are stuck feeling like you are getting crapped on the same way you were before, it's going to be hard to make progress. There are all sort of reasons for feeling that way. It could be clinical depression. I don't know. Letting go and having some faith are essential concepts that should have gotten stronger from doing steps 1 through 3. If you do not have that down better than you did...doing step 4 will build insight, but you will continue to live with the defects because you still need to work on step 2 and 3. I spent an entire year working 1 through 3 because the foundation of the entire program is in those 3 steps and if you don't get it...the others don't work. You don't want to live like a martyr and psychologically bracing for getting emotionally beat down again. You don't want to constantly come at your partner with negativity when you are trying to live more positively and to "live in the solution." I get that and that may be what your sponsor is trying to encourage.
Nonetheless, if you are clinically depressed...it might require more time, meetings, therapy.....possibly meds to turn the corner. I don't know but it does sound like you want to change faster than it's happening and I know how frustrating that is cuz I've been there before. It will happen Jessamine, but it's going to take more time. You wont be stuck feeling this way forever
