I can see how you feel manipulated and set up from what you shared.  You don't have to participate in it and you don't have to feel guilty about not having her over on a holiday.  Even your share started out calm and then the more you shared about what happened the less serene you sounded.  I definately have some family members who I can only love at a distance.  Maybe we refer to Alanon as our family of choice for a good reason.  Most of us have been surrounded by so much dysfunction. Thanksgiving is two months away so you have time if you want to consider having her over.  In situations like that, I always have to have a good plan in place for my sanity and serenity.  I know today it's ok to opt out of having someone over who will have a holiday at the expense of my own. Personal boundaries are the same no matter who the family member is even a parent.  I take it that my higher power is tapping me on the shoulder and telling me to take notice when someone is showing me they haven't changed unacceptable behavior. I invite someone in without expectations, accept that they may act out, well.... then I've made a choice to take what I liked and leave the rest. The trouble with that with someone really difficult is that I need to practice so much detachment it's almost a preoccupation and I'm not enjoying myself.  Anyway, I like it to be my decision or the decision of my household not the future guest as to whether they're invited to my home.  It seems less painful to let people in slowly who have disappointed me. I can't just instantly forget the hurt to set myself up for more.  Your girls feelings are a very big consideration.  You sound like you are clear about the respect you and your children deserve.  Maybe Mom will be willing to talk it out with you.  Hugs  TT