The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that once we're in the midst of it, we start to learn a "new normal" -- we lose perspective on what real normal looks like.
What I can say is that from my view, your husband has already gone over the edge. Far over the edge. He may not have totally messed up everything in his life yet, but he has all the elements in place.
Remember that if talking and reasoning helped, then they wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
Do you have a bottom line? (I thought I had one, but it was always "If he does this..." and he'd do it, and then it would be "If he does that..." and he'd do it, and then...) If you have a bottom line and a plan for what happens then, then you know whether it's been reached or not. If you don't have a bottom line, then it doesn't matter how much he drinks or what he does, does it?
Our watching becomes so obsessive that it's as if we have our own addiction -- being absorbed in the downward spiral of our A. It's funny how watching someone who's out of control makes us feel in control. But just like them, we have lost sight of reality.
As the saying goes, "He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going to do?"
Hugs.
-- Edited by Mattie on Monday 10th of September 2012 01:34:48 PM
I'm starting to wonder if the disease is really starting to take a stronger hold on my hubby. I don't keep tabs on his drinking usually but I think I've definitely been noticing an increase unlike anythng I've seen before. I'm just fact-gathering for if/when I have opportunity to have a constructive conversation with him to express my concerns. I'm doing well in not obsessing and get emotionally distraught about it all. Just trying to gather the facts. And I'm making note in my pocket calendar of the days he drinks.
I've noticed he's drank 10 out of 11 days (since I've stared keeping track); he used to go days or weeks without. Can't remember the last time I saw that. I think the most he's gone is 2 or 3 days without. I know for sure of him finishing two bottles of wine and a 750 ml bottle of 90 proof bourbon whiskey in 4 or 5 days (quite possibly other alcohol as well since one of 'my' bottles of wine is now gone and another one of mine started). Just this past Saturday, he started drinking at 4 pm and went to bed at 6:20 am Sunday morning! It seems like he spaces his drinks out, having 1-2 an hour. So he doesn't seems to show outward signs of intoxication like I used to notice. Any signs seem more subtle. I wonder if his tolerance is growing leaps and bounds, which I presume is a sign of progression of the disease.
On a few of our road trips over the summer, I have woken up to go to the washroom at approx 4 am and he's not in the room. Looking out the window once, I saw him down in the car drinking. Even during the work week he'll stay up to 2 or 3 am one or two times during the week. Alcohol is always involved. There has been five or six times over the last maybe few months where he's "forgot" to set his alarm or "it didn't go off" in order to get up for work. When this has happened, alcohol was involved the night before. Not sure if he's noticed the connection or wil allow himself to notice.
He seems to be drinking more amounts with more frequency. Which brings me to my question (I'm having trouble wording it): What is/was your experience watching the disease really take hold/progress/accelerate? How long did it take for him/her to really go 'over the edge' once you noticed this change? I'm very interested in reading others' experiences in seeing the shift of when they saw the disease really take over and how and how long it took things to go downhill.
Mine works construction and it would always get heavy in the spring and progress thru summer bad. I would say within a 4 or 5 month period it really progressed and led to a DUI. Started up bad in May and by September he was in Jail. They are all different though, never missed a day of work even with two hours of sleep. Got out of jail in two weeks and with a three month suspension started again and was in jail again in another three months for another DUI. This time they locked him up for 6 months and ordered daily breathalizing for 18 months. He got sober for a few years and he's at it again. I left the the last time he started and within 6 months another DUI!! If you think it's progressing, it is. When he went to jail and I had to pack and move since I wasn't working I found bottles hidden everywhere. It's usually worse than we think it is.
Freja, I learned at al-anon meetings that alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease. You can't predict what it will do or when it will do it. There really aren't a whole lot of typicals in alcohol abuse. I do understand the desire to nail this thing down, examine it and make sense of it- problem is I darn near made myself crazy trying to do this. I came to Al-anon and found other, healthier ways to consume my time and thoughts that had more to do with me and less to do with him. I encourage you to try some face to face meetings if you haven't already, I think you will find other people who relate to you and I think you may find some comfort. Chances are, at this point in time he's not too interested in seeing your facts, no matter how logical they may be. To try and answer your questions, in my experience my husband has peaks and valleys. He senses when I'm fed up and will back off a bit, for a while, then gradually go at it harder and then every couple years or so (sometimes more frequently) there will be something terrible that happens due to his alcohol abuse. He'll feel remorseful, make many promises, try hard for a while and then it slowly creeps back up. You never know, and every person and relationship has their own traits and dynamic. It was quite freeing for me when I learned that no matter what I did, he was going to do what he was going to do. (((Freja))) hugs, and hang in there- we do know how you feel and what you're going through. -me here
Your post today was dejavu for me , I remember the time I wasted keeping track of how much he drank , what matters for us married to someone who drinks too much is not how much or how often but how it effects us when they drink. I am assuming your not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , I hope you consider doing so in the near future . No one can predict how long it takes to get to thier bottom every one is different . Please find meetings and start to focus on your own needs , you need support . Louise
When I fell pregnant and stopped drinking with my husband, I noticed just how heavily he drank. When I spoke to him about it he drank even more and I started researching alcoholism. Once I had all the facts of the disease I became 1000% more aware of it and it was so glaringly obvious. Due to various reasons he had gained control to some extent for a few months here and there over the years but when he slipped back it always got worse than the worst period before.
Alcoholism is progressive so you can expect it to go from bad to worse regardless of what is going on in his life.
I had problems geting up in the mornings. I started having several episodes where i was passed out until after I was supposed to be at work and that led to more problems until I was about to lose my job. I also could not resist drinking while driving and drinking after driving to bars and home from work. The problem accelearated from there. I was on an every other day drinking schedule for years. It became daily for the last few months and that was a really downward spiral.
((((Freja)))) I was sooo caught up in my alcoholic/addicts practice of the disease that I drank and used with here, tried to teach her how to drink, followed her hundreds of miles out of town, found her in the hospital as a Jane Doe, physically assaulted her while she was drunk, tried to track her down in the bars around the county, on and on and on with even more insane behavior on my part...she just drank and used and I did all that insane stuff even after I knew she drank and used. I was obsessed with her drinking and using and never used a pocket calender. I didn't think about that one however it would have fit in nicely with the other stuff. What would have mattered most to me with the pocket calender was the day I quit putting my alcoholic/addict wife under my microscope and finally gave up and entered Al-Anon to get help for myself. I got serenity and she stayed drunk until she didn't want to be drunk anymore and went to get help.
Scroll back over the prior posts and read, read, read the experiences of others who attempted to keep track of their alcoholics drinking; how strong, how much, how often, and also went to get help for themselves. As it has already been mentioned...The disease is cunning, powerful and baffling...so much so that they get drunk and we get sick of it. Go figure. If you're already attending face to face Al-Anon meetings, from my personal experiences that is where the solutions are. If you're not already attending the meetings do yourself a big favor and start as soon as you can. Keep coming back here also, (((((hugs)))))
I guess I am putting my own well being on a slippery slope in trying to get an idea about what's going on with him and "tracking him". As Me Here said, I am trying to basically 'nail this thing down' and understand it. I guess I'm trying to understand the somewhat un-understandable. I feel that I'm not in an obsessive, unbalanced place in doing what I'm doing. But I also recognize that those of you who have so kindly taken the time to write and give words of advice have gone before me in this situation and in seeking wellness, and know better what obsession and unwellness looks like having been there yourselves. I liked Mattie's comment that he's going to do what he's going to do, so what am I going to do. And if I don't have a bottom line, then it doesn't matter how much he drinks. And, yes, Jerry F, I do keep reading all of these posts over and over again. I learn more each time. It all really truly helps. My intention from the beginning was to track him only for a very short time...to get a kind of dipstick reading. But, again, I can see how it could get out of hand despite my best intentions and maybe really is pointless in the long run. I do realize every person and relationship is different and there are no typicals. And that his drinking likely has it's own ebb and flow. I do have my own life purpose and dearest friends that have nothing to do with him. I have a very close relationship with my HP and trust him implicitly. I know there is nothing that I can do to stop hubby or even really help him with his drinking. I don't cajole, shame, yell, extract promises, or even talk to him about his drinking. But I know that the best way to help him is to not get in the way of his drinking and let him fully experience all the consequences. Which is scary since who knows where it can end up. But I take one day at a time and not worry today about the anxieties that belong to tomorrow.
He seems to be drinking more amounts with more frequency. Which brings me to my question (I'm having trouble wording it): What is/was your experience watching the disease really take hold/progress/accelerate? How long did it take for him/her to really go 'over the edge' once you noticed this change? I'm very interested in reading others' experiences in seeing the shift of when they saw the disease really take over and how and how long it took things to go downhill.
For me, I "became aware" when on a sunday morning she didn't want to go grocery shopping with me, very unusual & was acting drunk. I started keeping track of bottle levels & comfirmed she was drinking every morning. Suddenly my "new normal" that I had adjusted to over the years had been exposed. I'm not exactly sure why that was what woke me up instead of all the other red flags, but it was. I started to realize all the other signs. It was scary how much I denied & had grown accustomed to. After this point, I started to see new things, how the behavior changed, how she had changed. It seems like one day I woke up & the disease was in control. That's not really the case, it took years to get there, but I did have to "wake up" one day to see it. Unfortunately the bottle monitoring became an obsession for me. I would check it every day, often a few times every day. It really doesn't make any sense, I KNEW she drank every day, I didn't learn anything from it. I did learn how to get upset over her drinking in a whole new way though. Now I can tell when my own recovery is really slipping because I will start to bottle monitor. That's when I know I need an emergency call to my sponsor or an emergency post & get to the real issue, which is NOT how much she drinks.
