Hello,

I am new here, this is my first post.

When I met my ex husband (we are separated), he had quit drinking. His nephew had just been born, and he wanted to be a good role model for him. My ex was a great guy, very caring, compassionate, friendly...we fell in love, got married, and slowly he started drinking again. Just socially at first, at parties, with friends, but then he was drinking at home, or going to the bars more. Most of his friends drink, as do his brothers. Sports games on tv, long days at work, whatever he needed a reason for.

We had 3 beautiful children over the course of our marriage. He was wonderful to them, but the drinking always seemed to be more important. If I went out for the evening, and he stayed home with the kids, I'd come home to find that he had drunk a 6-pack while I was gone. I would tell him how I didn't like that, but he would assure me that he was 'in control'.

Eventually our marraiage began to fall apart. He drank more, and would drive home from the bars intoxicated. The kids saw him flat out drunk a few times. I began to find myself making up excuses for him, and telling the kids that daddy was just not feeling well. I didn't want to break up with him 'for the kids' of course, even though I grew up with an alcoholic father who was in and out of rehab and I fully knew that staying with him was going to do more harm than good.

So fast forward to recently....we've been separated 2 1/2 years. He lives in the same town as us, with his girlfriend and her kids. We have become friends over this time, and he has the kids on a regular basis and is mostly consistant with child support until recently.  As far as i had known, he had cut back on the drinking. Then he got a DUI in March (his first).  He was in jail overnight, lost license for 6 months, ordered to go to classes and AA, and pay fines. He has been going to the classes and AA, borrowed money to pay the fines, and swears he has not gotten in his vehicle after even just one drink. He also told me that he only had one or two beers a night.

Tonight, after the kids came home from their weekend with him, his girlfriend started texting me. She and I have never been buddies, but we had a conversation via text. Basically she told me that although he has been going to the required meetings for his DUI conviction, and has not been driving after drinking, he has been drinking at home. Sometimes a 12 pack in one day/evening. Today, while my kids were there, he had a 12 pack of beer and 2 mixed drinks over the course of an afternoon. This has been going on for quite some time, apparently. He keeps telling us he's short on money, but always has money for beer. Although he doesn't get physical, he's been verbally abusive to his g/f (not to the kids). He's been lying to me. Everything she told me tonight sounds exactly like what I went through when he and I were living together.

I do not want him drinking when my kids are there. I texted him tonight, and I knew he had been drinking today so I didn't confront him but asked him to meet me tomorrow after work. I will not tell him what his g/f told me, but the kids had told me today that 'daddy was drinking all day and yelling at C' (his g/f) so I do have reason to talk to him about this.

Sorry for such a long post, I needed to vent, and hopefully find some advice. I'm not unfamiliar to alcoholism, as my father was one, but I don't know what to do. I still care about my ex as a friend, and of course because we have children. I've also contacted a brother of his whom he is very close to.

Thanks for listening.

Welcome and glad you found us.

I am very impressed how you have handled such a hard situation.I completely agree, I would not want my kids around anyone drunk, especially if that adult was one they had to depend on!

Myself I would meet someone in a public place like a restaurant. Since he is drinking again, we just don't know how he will respond.

I always think about and say, I messages not saying you this or you that. ex: I really don't feel comfortable with the kids being around anyone who is drinking. I am sure you feel the same way.

Maybe he will have to have supervised visitation like coming to your house or to a grand parents or somewhere. It just may not be in his home anymore.

I was going to comment too on him mentally abusing his gf in front of the kids. I know how kids are and for them to hear that, witness that is abusive to them. They are very sensitive and I know it scares them. It would sure make me feel uncomfortable and I am an adult. That is another reason I would not allow the kids with him.

Myself I won't lie, just do not believe in it. Plus my experience is not to in whatever way to remind them of what they did. they know. Simply saying I am not comfortable with anyone drinking around my kids. Also I don't want them around people arguing. These things upset them.

He will probably deny or go into who told you. I learned to not answer but say, my concern is the kids. Stick to the issue. Once they are on the defensive, we have lost them. When we learn to not say, you did this or you did that, the conversation can be so different. Just state the facts, the issue, not the person.

I mean he has a right to do whatever he chooses. But we have a right to control our own choices too. The kids need to be in a safe environment, period. No explanation.

He does not need to know who told you or what you know. It's just not important, it would only cause problems. What if he turned around and asked the kids why did you tell mom that?  Lies never,ever work for the good.

I am so glad you shared. This was an interesting thread.

Some will turn it around and try to put you down or whatever, this is natural for most A's and kids. So I simply would say, the issue is I don't want the kids around drinking or arguments. If he tries to turn it again, ya repeat it. They stop believe me.

Another thing is too, we can  I know most parents would not want their kids around blah blah too. I am sure you, the ex, feel that way.

Keeping it simple and to the point works for me. This works in most all situations. We can control only us. As far as child support. Most A's get to a point in the progression of the disease, not to pay it. I would NEVER depend on an A for anything, never. They are sick, very sick. i have learned to accept them as is and love them. If I can't I won't be around them.

Hope this helps a little. Its sure my experience! (c: debilyn