Venting - Al-Anon Family Group

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Venting

lnc12 · Member

I've been away from my AH for 2 weeks tomorrow. The first 2 days were horrible, but then things got progressively better. Now though, I feel like it's all starting over again. I want my husband back. Not the drunk that he has turned into, but the man inside of this drunk shell. I miss him so much. I just keep thinking about all of the good times... cry I just feel broken. My heart, my soul; every part of me feels shattered right now. It's just not fair. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but I do! I hate what this disease has turned my husband and me both into. I love him with every ounce of my being, but I regret marrying him. I hate even admitting it, but it's true. Despite it all though, my heart still wants to hang on. I've been holding back the tears all day, but I think I'm about to just let them go. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent! It gets so tiresome talking to my friends who have no idea what I'm going through. It helps a lot knowing there are people on here who understand.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you shared here. I would say all most all here would relate with you. In face right now several of us here at MIP are going thru what you are right now!

Of course you get those longings. We fell in love when they were not so sick in the disease. My exAH is nothing like the kid to man I knew all my life. Its so hard to look at him knowing he is not in there.

I finally had to tell myself he did not love me so I would not call or anything. YES it hurts horrible. Take a day at a time and do what you need that day.I know for me eating healthy, going for walks, napping helped. It's much easier going thru this terrible wound if we don't get sick.

I was very quiet around almost everyone. Just got my body there. If anyone acted like they did not get it, I just said addiction is a horrible disease. He never chose it.

Keep getting it out here. Meetings are very helpful too

ask for hugs! that is very ok! people need to know what you need! hugs and love,debilyn

life_is_good · Member

Today is 2 weeks today that my AH has been out of the house. I am feeling almost exactly as you are. I attended two face to face meetings last week for the first time and they really do help. It feels so hopeless at times but I think I am grieving for the man I married 19 years ago and not for the man he has become. He didn't start drinking heavily until 3 yrs ago and it has gradually progressed to the point that I could not subject myself or the kids to his withdrawal and sometimes inappropriate behavior. I go back and forth in my mind thinking I could handle it again but I know I can't. He made the choice to divorce me instead of quitting drinking. I see him everyday, as we own a business together and I am absolutely astounded how such a loving man could become so distant, cold and uncaring. He doesn't see our 16 yr old son or 17 yr old daughter and I have told him he can see the kids anytime he wishes. He semi-controlled the drinking but now that he is out of the house he no longer does. I am so grateful for Alanon. My meetings and readings help to take away the pain when I need it the most. I am hopeful he will realize what he is losing but I don't think he will.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, it's been two weeks for a few of us I see. It will be two weeks tomorrow that I took my now XAH to the airport, he left to go live with family in the U.S. I'm doing a little better day by day. But sometimes it still hurts so much. I think back to the good times we used to have and how great everything was in our first years together.
You wrote ¨ I want my husband back. Not the drunk that he has turned into, but the man inside of this drunk shell. ¨ I definitely know that feeling. But I have to be brutally realistic. As much as I want that, it wasn't happening, and living with the drunk he turned into was making me crazy. If you need to cry, go ahead and do it. Get it out of your system. I cried for days after he left. But slowly I began to realize that I can have my life back. And that is SUCH a good feeling. I am now responsible only for myself and my animals. I don't have to worry about A getting drunk, passed out in the road, breaking or wrecking things while drinking, having to take him to the clinic when he's fallen down and hurt himself, etc., etc. Yes, I still miss him. Yes, I still love him . But I love myself too. And I'm excited at finally being able to make a future for myself without being dragged down by him and his drinking. I'm so glad you posted here. Because WE do understand. Vent away, as often as you need to. We're here for you. And it WILL get better in time, I promise. Take care of yourself during this fragile time. Sending you hugs and support.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

You can vent all you want here and cry all you want too. Many of us have stories much like yours, were nearly defeated by the disease of alcoholism. People will tell you to stay strong, and family and friends may say awful things about you husband and tell you you're better off but here we understand about knowing the person under the disease and missing them. I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. You are away from him for a reason. You're taking care of yourself. There's hope and time to decide what will be best for your life. I hope you choose to keep recovering with us. In person Alanon meeting helped me feel less alone when I was separated from my exah. I felt less alone and there was less time sitting home alone thinking. Making calls to other Alanon meeting members helped too because they listened and offered encouragement and understanding. Keep sharing. Hugs! TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 12th of September 2012 11:06:52 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and yes many of us have similar stories. It really does get better especially when I look at where I was a year ago. What I was doing, how I was living, the stress is unreal. We did have some good times however looking back with the perspective of time I am coming to realize that even there were red flags all over the place for a very long time.

My STBAX has been out of the house since this January .. very honestly it's hard to believe that he's been out of the house that long and a half hearted let's get back together took place in the beginning. It was actually harder than the initial break up.

That is when I came here a lot, worked on my steps, relied on my program and things have continued to get better each day. Again I am doing things I never thought I could do and was consistantly told I couldn't both within the marriage and while growing up. I am thrilled to say I have surprised myself in a lot of ways.

Keep coming back, the pain you feel now will not always be first and foremost. There is a life out there if you choose to live it .. there are many great things about the program, I always say this and there is always something else attached .. LOL the best part of the program for me today is reminding me that I have choices. Even in the midst of chaos, pain, and just general life stuff I always have choices.

It's not to say that the choices are easy or that life has smoothed out 100% and I have no pain in my own situation. I certainly don't have the same pain, and while my life circumstances may have changed to some in a negative way the reality is I am so much better off than where I was at because I have changed in a positive way.

It does get better, so glad you are here and you shared some of your story.

Hugs P :)

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