Right now I am coloring my hair - ha, you needed to know that eh? last night I got home from a 480 mile driving job at 12:30 am, drank a glass of wine and watched Dr. Who to unwind (and negate the effects of the caffeine I'd had earlier to be awake during the trip) and truly enjoyed just being in my own living room watching my own television. I liked where I was so much that I laid down and slept for a few hours just enjoying the peacefulness that is HOME. And, I woke up at 6:30, started watching Sherlock Holmes on my laptop and fell back asleep till 10 am - unheard of for me!!

It was an overnight trip, stayed in a motel I didn't have to pay for - a nice one too! My thoughts recently have centered so much on how happy I am to lead this taking care of me and not having to take care of anyone else's "stuff" kind of life. I work and my money goes to pay for my life (except for the bike payment which may be resolved later this month via contempt of court hearing); on my time off I do what I want to do, read, watch shows "I" like, play computer games, work in my yard, walk the dog, watch Carol Burnett on Youtube, etc. When I go out to eat I go where I like to eat, order food my way and no one complains that I put too much parmesan cheese on MY pizza (that one always makes me chuckle - both at him doing it and me taking it). I've gone through lots of different alcohol choices both to determine my - i repeat MY preferences (instead of only ever being able to drink beer, and his beer at that!) and, to determine if I had an alcohol problem as he so strongly insisted I did (no, big surprise?).

It's been two years since my ex left for the last time and a year since my divorce (wow that year went fast!). There hasn't been anyone in my life, mostly because I recognize the need to get MY life back to being MINE and not someone elses. Of course there have been opportunities for relationships but I really don't want anyone messing with the peaceful serenity I live within. and I don't want to deal with anyone's stuff anymore. I don't have to explain why I wasn't home until after midnight or reassure him I didn't talk to anyone he wouldn't approve of, I don't have to be up and cheerful when he is, I don't have to make new coffee because he doesn't like reheated coffee but doesn't think he should have to make fresh, thats women's work (HUH?). I don't want to have to deal with anyones stuff ever again - the longer I am alone, the more peace I find in being alone and able to live my life my way.

Ok, yeah, there are times I feel lonely, some, but not very much. Like last night, it might have been nice to have someone to rub the tension out of my shoulders (try holding the wheel of a bus at 55 mph for 4 hours on the freeway with semi's passing in the dark, without tension building!) and snuggle up with to watch Dr. Who with and fall asleep on his shoulders, and his arm falling asleep as he holds me because he cares that much.... the thought of someone being here without the bs, yeah, its a nice thought, but I'm not holding my breath for it or even looking for it because I enjoy things just the way they are.

And summer fun? ok yeah, that's a lot more fun with someone to share it with but its a lot more fun alone that it is having to put up with someone's stuff. I admit to feeling some twinges of loneliness this summer, stars are more fun to sit and look at with someone next to you who doesn't pant and scratch their fleas.... I miss talking about things, quietly in the dark, dreams and hopes, plans, wants, etc. I miss his head on my lap as we nap on a sunday afternoon, miss being on the back of the bike as he pilots it over country roads. But - if the lonelies get too much I just go back and read what I've written, listen to old recordings of his rants, read old emails, and new posts from newcomers here, their pain reminding me why its better to be where I am than where I was.

I experienced a few episodes of rotten health over the summer, pain that knocked me for a loop and left me vulnerably thinking how nice it would be to have someone taking care of me - again, nice, but not at the expense of the serenity achieved. And, it gets tiring sometimes, gotta admit that, knowing the responsiblity for everything is on my shoulders and there is no one to lend a helping hand - but again (always that "but", "and" and "again" eh?) would it be a helping hand if instead of just dealing with whatever i was going through, I was also dealing with someone else's stuff at the same time? Nah!

Anyway, I chose the topic Unemcumbered life because that is what I lead, but reading what I wrote, maybe it should have been "someone elses stuff"! Cheers, time to wash that grey right outta my hair - chinese food lunch later, yummm. Be well fellow travelers

Oh!!! I just love your share! Today is my birthday and I had a wonderful day. First birthday in a long time that I enjoyed. There was no negativity, no stomping feet, slamming doors or yelling. No poor pity the AH that never got anything for his birthday. No AH asking me for money to go buy a birthday present for me?!? No whining about dirty floors and excuses why we can't have friends over. It was an amazing day and reminded me again that I made a good choice asking him to leave. I loved being spontaneous and not having to justify, argue, defend or explain why I just spend 40.00 dollars at a candy store that looked like the one in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. The loneliness that I feel every so often passes, as I remember how fast my kids are growing and that I need to take the energy once spent on him and redirect to my kids who love me unconditionally. They need me and guess what? They want me just the way I am. :) Thank you for your share!!!