How Do You Deal With A's Family That Blames You - Al-Anon Family Group

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

How Do You Deal With A's Family That Blames You

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

Now that my A is finally in a treatment center, I have decided after 10 years of addiction and abuse that it was time for me to separate from him. Of course, he is playing the victim to his family, that I am deserting him in his time of need. Let me be clear, I have only asked for a separation to work on ourselves and our marriage, but I don't trust him and the abuse I have suffered has gone on too long. Some of his family are painting me at the 'evil deserter', how could I leave him at his lowest (he tried to commit suicide) and kick him out? I know they can't fully understand what I have been through, but it just seems like insult on top of injury that I am somehow the bad guy. I don't think it right for me to hand them the laundry list of things that have occured during our marriage, the addiction, the lying, the abuse, the infidelity, etc. But this bugs me.

I guess this is part of my co-dependent garbage, that I can't stand anyone not liking me, but it is tough to keep my mouth shut. I have picked him up so many times only to be rewarded by him with more lies, more drinking, more abuse, more infidelity that it kind of chaps my butt that they would believe him. His family has never been there for him but now everyone is getting up on their high horse to condemn me! I know now that my 'support' of him only made him worse, I own my part in this, which is why I have said I need the separation so we can BOTH work on OURSELVES, I never claimed to be perfect, I am working on it. Just venting I guess. Thanks, as always, for listening. ts

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's a challenge. Some people give out blame and hostility like candy. I think the saying "What other people think of you is none of your business" might apply. And "Hurt people hurt people." Go on taking good care of yourself!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Trudy - I hope you have your own family and supports. In the long run, it's good that he has his family's support. You can't say he has "nobody else" now. He has his family to turn to right? This allows you to let go even more for the time being. Let them care for him for a change right?

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

I admit I like to be understood even if not agreed with so this is just my opinion. If there is even one person inhis family that you have a good relationship with, I would talk to them and just put your side out there. He needs them now but I don't think it's helpful for them to run you down and blame you. Do it once but don't dwell on it.

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

I'm with Pinkchip - let them care for him for a change -- they have not walked in your shoes but if they do, it won't be long till they fully understand what you have gone thru.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

what to do ? nothing .. and never forget that blood is thicker than water. His family will believe what they want and your right there is no reason to explain why you have asked for a separation * they probably wont believe you anyway * hopefully with some recovery under his belt he will be able to be honest enough to accept responsibility for his own stuff . take care of you Louise

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hand them the, "Getting Them sober" book volume one.

I ignored them. They wanted to believe his disease lying to them so lettem. I can only control me.

So what I do is none of their business.

I like the Keeping it simple. my thing is just don't be around poisonouse people. Period. Sure it hurts! My own daughter I adore and am so proud of pulled a very nasty thing with me. I will not allow her around me until she chooses to treat me like i deserve to be!

We teach others how to treat us. I might even say, my relationship with AH is our business. period.

you are doing your program! In the long run this is the best move for you both. A will understand if he goes into true recovery!

When my AH was in strong recovery, he would not associate with his sicko family. His mom would call, I would tell him she wants you to call her back, he wouldn't. I got blamed. Like I could or would control him. gads.soon as he started messing up, back he went to mommy. Basically with her now living off his host. ick.

anyway glad you shared! love,debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to dettach from my exAH and his family. They all blame me for not keeping the family together. We both came from A families that never divorced and I was supposed to suck it up and carry on the dysfunctional traditions. I heard from him, his family and friends about how I left him when he needed me most and how he was finally getting sober before I walked away. His actions are not my fault and I felt guilty for awhile, than I worked the steps and realized I had to walk away when I bottomed out and his recovery is up to him. His actions and choices are his to own as mine are mine to own. I won't let anyone put blame on me for my exAH's life or choices any longer. I am working hard on my life right now and in taking care of myself, my kids and being the healthiest me possible. I have my work cut out for me just with that and it is all I will put on myself at this time. There is nothing wrong in deciding to put yourself first for once to head towards being healthier. Don't believe all the guilt and keep your focus on your program and your side of the road. Sending you love and support!

Kismet · Veteran Member

You could be writing about my life! When we separated and he went to stay with his parents his mother said all he needs is some good food, vitamins and rest and that we needed marriage counselling. Because obviously the problem is our relationship (me) and has nothing to do with him being an alcoholic. They are in complete denial which AH realized after being at the treatment facility for 4 days. They visited him after almost a month but they still don't really believe he has a problem.The other day they said to me "isn't this going on a bit long now?!"... I had no words.

I have spoken to his mom about her lack of support for me and she said that she has had to deal with so much in her life and had to do it all alone so she doesn't know what I would need from her. I have just accepted that she is an ostrich and prefers to see life her own way. If she prefers not to accept the gravity of her son's situation there is nothing I can do about it. In my opinion his family's dysfunction has played a part in his alcoholism and the less we have to do with them, the better.

Move forward and don't let their opinions affect the path you are on. If you cannot let go now, don't worry, the day will come when you can look at them and not give a damn.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

My own mother told both me she didn't think I was an alcoholic. She forgot that she told me I was an alcoholic years earlier during a period where I was living at home again. Moms are pretty firmly inclined to deny their kids are anything but perfect. Gotta love them for that but it's not always helpful to an alcoholic or their spouse for sure.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Unfortunately for you, you make an easy target to place all blame. You've received such great ESH. You know that you can only change you. You have to work on you.

As Pink said about mom's they only see what they want to see. Which is sometimes a fantastic thing, and sometimes not. My MIL was totally supportive but I quickly realized that she wasn't the person I needed to talk to. I didn't need to share all the details with my mom either. I try, very hard and to the best of my ability, to share with those who have their own program.

It's easy for me to vent and rant and rail when things are rocky. Only to need to recant all the statements when the rocky goes smooth again. SO I'm learning. It's progress not perfection.

Sending you hugs and support. You know how much you have given and supported and been there for. Now is the time for you to take care of you!! I do really like "what other people think of me is none of my business" I have used that one a lot lately!

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