I Feel So Ugly - Al-Anon Family Group

kissers · Senior Member

I Feel So Ugly

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

KISSERS IT WILL BE MORE THAN ALRIGHT smile

Please know that what you are feeling are symptons of living with the disease of alcoholism This is exxactly why we need a program of recovery. Recovery is just that. We recover our self esteem, our love of self, our abilities, our love of life or ability to enjoy life and know our self worth.

You are not alone and this MIP Family and the Alanon Family Groups can be the healthy support that you can use as you find your true self.

Please checkout the face to face meetings, attend , get a sponsor, work the Steps and you will be on your way.

Keep coming here as well and sharing the journey You ar woth it.

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

You can do this! So glad you found this message board. Read all you can here and get the book Getting Them Sober (it explains so much). You will see that tearing you dopwn to take the focus off of thrmselves is such a common tactic. Understanding what they are doing helps so much. They still drive you crazy but you don't take it so personally.

Kismet · Veteran Member

You are beautiful and you are worthy of love. Don't you ever forget that! His disease is feeding off your unhappiness and you do NOT deserve it, nor do you have to live with it. Keep coming back, we are here for you ((((kissers))))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Of course it will be okay. The fact that you even came here and wrote what you did is a statement that you are tired of it and want something else.

-4 years ago I was a drunk, 70 pounds heavier, a smoker, and in a 7 year relationship with another pitiful drunk.... Working a program of recovery did wonders for me. I can undoubtedly say anything is possible for you as well.

Keep working for what you want in life and don't give up before the miracle happens!

kissers · Senior Member

Have I done something wrong to deserve this?

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kissers - I am ugly too, out of shape doesn't begin to describe it. And I let it happen to myself, i'm to blame, not him. I have reasons for my weight gain, they aren't excuses but valid reasons so I give myself a break. Over the last year alone, I have taken baby steps towards getting back to better health; someone from my genetic history (long line of short fat people) has several mountains to climb to get to good shape - the first and only mountain I've been climbing the past year is not gaining anymore weight (success!) - amazing how difficult a mountain that one is for someone like me! I used to walk for about an hour 6-7 nights a week, was in really fine shape until alcoholism entered my life (or re-entered I guess since I grew up with it); two February's ago I twisted my foot and fell, badly torn ligaments etc and no insurance, fear of falling/re-injury has slowed me down a LOT. Plus I know I don't have the heart to try to really lose weight because adding thinner to perky cute personality and nice hair - well, the men would start to notice and I just don't want one yet. But there are a lot of baby steps I can and have taken towards an eventual better me. Some of them are emotional steps, getting right within me about who I am and what I want and how I deserve to be treated, etc. Some of them are things I can do to start down the better health path - parking far from the grocery store door, walking wherever I can (which is about everywhere I need in my small town), drinking more water, no sugar in my diet, small meals of real food, no chips, etc. baby steps. I have found usefulness in applying the 12-steps towards my physical health/eating habits - accept the things I cannot change (my genetic history), courage to change the things I can (not eating fried foods, smaller dishes, cut out sugar, etc.) and wisdom to know the difference - ya gotta have ice cream every now and then and it ain't gonna kill you! Things I am powerless over - cookies - leave a plate of em uncovered on the table and I'll grab one every time I walk by. Solution: don't buy cookies! or keep em in a jar in a cupboard (on the highest shelf so you have to get the ladder to reach???).

My recovery has included the realization that my life is MINE! If I don't like something in my life, it is up to me to change it - no one else - and I don't want anyone else trying to change it because they'll get it wrong......

But my recovery also includes accepting myself the exact way I am right now and not letting anyone else tell me who or what I am. Those who look at me and only see my weight, who needs em? I have a neighbor who told me recently that she realized she had misjudged me, duh; but it makes me realize that we all misjudge people because we see them as what they are at first glance, not as the caring, hurting, loving, scared, angry, lonely people they are if you take time to get to know them.

And - you aren't just that one thing, how you look, you know? You have a loving spirit, dreams, hopes, talents to share with the world; you deserve to have a life that nurtures you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Kissers - You don't know what is in your HP's plan for you. Pain is a touchstone for growth. A few months, a year...or multiple years down the line you may have progressed so far in your self esteem and you level of life satisfaction that you will look back on this time and say it was meant to be so that you could know how to begin living differently.

Before going up, you gotta hit bottom. This may be it for you. You do not deserve to feel low or to have bad self esteem. It will take work to get it back - but you have it in you I'm sure.

kissers · Senior Member

I stopped drinking a few years ago and drank with my boyfriend within the past few months. He has pulled me by the hair and threatened to pour liquor on me if I didn't drink the shot he poured. I have no money, no job, and nowhere to go. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone.

kissers · Senior Member

I walk a lot since I have no car. I wear a 7/8 - 9/10 so I'm not overweight by much. I may not be a beauty queen, but I try to dress nice. If I had a vehicle and income then I would be back at the gym and doing my yoga. He's just not interested anymore. I wish he would have just told me.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Kissers

There IS NOTHING wrong with you except that you are living with the disease of alcoholism I urge you to attend alanon face to face meetings or if that is not possible try to get to the on line meetings here.

I do YOGA in my bedroom so if you cannot get to the gym please try that It will give you a connection to yourself and your HP.

YOu have LOST YOURSELF and it is imperative for you to relearn to: Keep the focus on yourself, Review your Asset List (as you just did), read alanon literature and pray foir guidance. No one should be living in the situation that you describe You could also check out the services for women in your community.

In my prayers PLease keep coming back

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sweetheart feeling ugly is not the same as being ugly physically. Its an inner emotion about yourself.

Some of the most beautiful people felt ugly.

I was honestly very pretty in my younger years. My daughter is too, mother was gma etc. I was never put down, never was into being like everyone else. I didn't think about how I looked much. I was just who I was and I liked me.

Then somehow i lose my self esteem. I didn't think I did anything right. I don't even know where it came from. Probably hormones.

It took me a solid year to like myself again. I got it from taking classes on eating disorders and many other womens issues courses. Found myself on the honor roll at a major college so found out I sure was not unteachable. Loved learning.

I decided wait a minute, how rude is it of me not to like the me that the creator gave me. So I stopped that negative talk in my head. That abuse. When I would think, I am too fat to go swimming. I changed it to, I am ok just how I am. Took water aerobics and tightened up my body and felt great, and liked me.

A major thing is to stop telling yourself mean things!

I started volunteering. Next thing I knew I was a paid employee! Then a manager. Found out I was efficient!

What I did and do too is be simple, make myself up the best I can be. My hair is insane since it started to have some grey. Its freaking curly! I have always had long wavy hair. So I am doing what I can not to look like Phyllis Dillar did, bless her heart. Pretty much let it go natural. My cloths fit but never tight. I don't have very many things but what I do is nice, just simple.

I do what makes ME feel good.toe nails are a nice natural pink. All that stuff that makes me feel womanly helps.

I figure if HP likes me then I gotta too. Does not matter what anyone says either.

Who are you? What do you like? What are your goals? Those kinds of questions can help you to know you. things you need to find out to love the you you are.

As far as that A boyfriend, ugh, I am guessing this is mental abuse from him. YOu know there are steps we can take for ourselves. Some seem pretty scarey. But honestly it would be a beginning to a life, a real one.

There are women support groups, womens shelters. Dept of human services can help.

there are jobs where you have your own space on their property. I would love to be a maid and cook for someone. or live in with some one and care for them!

Even craigslist has listings of jobs. there is also a very neat job some do, its house sitting. they go away for months or weeks etc and you stay in their house. Some people don't even have their own place, they just enjoy others. You could put money away to get your own cute place.

Its hard to think of all this when you are being mentally abused. When we are strong we would have looked at him and said I don't think so and leave.

I am so self assured, NO ONE intimidates me. I may get upset at a situation, but will never be intimidated, I will face it right on. And I used to be one of the shyest people.

You do have options. I would get a tablet and write down goals, things I want to do. What kinda job could I do?

You are just fine how you are! Really you are. There are books that will ask you questions you answer by writing it in the book. You may find out things you didn't know about you.

I honestly would not take any amount of money for any of my animals. To some they would in a New York minute!

really got to know myself, and I like me. I arrange friends i have known most my life to go to lunch once a month. We all laugh and smile and I tell ya, we are the most beautiful 60 year old women in the place! Just cuz we like ourselves. None of us are rich or wear fancey stuff either.

I have gone on too long. your issue is one of the reasons I have done counseling all my life. I want to support and guide people to love themselves and see who wonderful they are. I especially wanted to support people with unique issues of being transgender, gay or lesbian etc.

he has used this method of bringing you down so long, to give him control over you and it has worked.

NO no one deserves to feel like you do. NO ONE. ya know why? Becuz for one thing, we all can be forgiven. Lets say you do believe its your fault. well so what? That is a huge thing to face that. So now the question is, what do you want to do about it?

What are you willing to do to change that?

Instead of the things that stop you from doing things, he has the money, you have no car....lets look at what you can do!

I have lots of options you can think about, directions you can go. I am going to pm you my private email. I am always on my facebook daily. debilyn Potter, there is more than one, can't seem to get the other one off! Its the one with the queen anns lace flower on top.

I am handing you a rope. If you want to contact me it is up to you! (c: Just think anytime you can change your life!!!! To me that is super exciting! hey does not mean it is easy, but getting over the tough stuff is how we find out how strong we are!

sent with hope and sincereity, debilyn

dragonflys · Senior Member

I have been and still sometimes are where you are. I can relate so much. In elementary school a boy put dog food in my desk and told everyone that I ate it. Everyone barked at me when I walked by. I had a rough childhood and got into a verbally and mentally abusive relationship with an addict. We are separated now, but I still have a warped view of myself and I realize that now. I used to look in the mirror and cringe. I couldn't believe how ugly I was. How I allowed myself to gain weight. Why I still looked pregnant when my daughter is 5 years old. My friends tell me I am crazy when I say I am fat. I wear a size 4-6 and still think I am disgusting some days. Since I've separated from my AH, I have good days and bad days. The good days I look in the mirror and see a smoking hot MILF with big green eyes and an amazing smile. The bad days I see a huge gross distorted view of me. The good days are happening more and more often now. It is a slow process for me. I really hope you take the support that is being offered to you. You are worth it. Sending you much love and hugs.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.