How do you know if you can trust them again? - Al-Anon Family Group

holivex · Veteran Member

How do you know if you can trust them again?

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

What a great question!! Don't have an answer but you explained the conflict perfectly and I look forward to reading the opinions that will come.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Holivex...Yay you and he are making progress and since the disease didn't happen overnight you can relax and let recovery come in its time also. When I got into the program the steps were condensed so that I could see the process...mine...easier...Steps 1-3 Trust God; Steps 4 - 11 Clean House (mine again) and 12 Help Others (part of what you are doing here now). Trusting the alcoholic/addict also was a problem for me and then since I didn't know and had to ask like you are doing here also...I asked and then sat at the knees of those who came before me in recovery. What I eventuallly learned was what I called "qualified" trust...not to trust my alcoholic/addict wife for things she could not give. It took the weight off of her shoulders too because when I was expecting too much I was also setting herself and myself up for failure. Trusting that way worked for me and was higher education in recovery. When I trusted that way I was less angry when my expectations were not met and therefore my resentments and fears were lower too. When I trusted that way she was more the winner than the looser and my ability to exercise compassion and empathy for us in this disease grew steadily.

If I couldn't trust her more readily or myself for that matter...who could I trust and feel that my trust was fulfilled? Trust God (1-3) Trust the program and Trust my sponsors and the old timers.

Do not set yourselves up for failure (looking for unmet expectations). Learn what giving margin, grace and mercy means (Letting go and Letting God; Easy does it; Turn it Over) using the slogans and the traditions of the program...The steps are you and the traditions are us (others).

You will know when you know...you will be relaxed and it will happen it spite of you. (((((hugs))))) smile

Kismet · Veteran Member

I have no idea how we know whether we are doing the right thing or not. I am in a similar position: my AH has been at a rehab facility for 35 days now and we visit him on Sundays. Towards the end I had almost no feelings left for him but now, over a month later they are starting to come back. I am missing the man I know he can be although I am still feeling very cautious. Perhaps I am only able to miss him because I know he is in rehab and unable to let me down. I could never not visit him though, nor could I keep our children from him when I know he can have visitors; we are everything to him and even though our relationship has broken down to almost nothing I am holding on to that invisible something that has always held us together. He has committed himself to a recovery program because he wants to change his life and keep his family, and I feel that we must be there for him when we are able to.

We have two young daughters (1 and 3) and when we visit him, AH and I are unable to have a conversation... we can barely finish sentences or thoughts because the girls are so busy and of course at this age it is all about them and their needs. I am feeling quite frustrated because we desperately need time together to reconnect without all the chaos of the past but cannot do it with the girls around. This all sometimes feels like an impossibly tough mountain to climb but I am keeping the faith. They are not difficult or badly behaved children and I see how AH sometimes struggles to keep up with them and keep his composure for the few hours that we are there. It does worry me that he won't be able to handle our day-to-day life once he is back home because this stage of parenthood is tough for anyone never mind a recovering alcoholic. He has always been a very capable, hands-on dad but life is pressured with two little ones and businesses to run. That brings me to the next part of our story: when he gets out he has to start a completely new life because his business that he owns with his brother is just plain bad for him (restaurant/bar). I am excited at us having this chance to build our lives the way we want to and have so many ideas but it is a daunting prospect and I have no way of knowing how he will handle things or go about them. My whole life revolves around questions right now and it is exhausting to the point of making me slightly crazy.

I am assuming that his rehabilitation will be successful and am moving forward accordingly. Is it the right move? Only time will tell.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

When mr ex left for the last time I was following a dual approach to things, hoping he would find the path to recovery for himself in AA and return to me the man I thought I married, yet at the same time I took steps toward the matter-of-fact realistic "what if it didn't work out" path. I wrote up the divorce papers, worked on getting finances separated and mine back in shape, and delved into my own recovery. With him gone, I had silence and space to consider everything (and breathe - you forget how nice it is to just breathe!); our interactions showed me where he was heading, each step he took made me work harder on the "not working out" path; I came to really understand that letting go of him to find his own way was the only thing I could really do - he says I forced divorce down his throat and in his current chosen condition he would never understand how truly devastated my heart is even now two years apart, one year divorced. Luckily we didn't have kids to consider and I can imagine how hard it must be for those that do have them.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

A lot of this depends on his recovery, but also yours.

It sounds like 6 months to a year of work on yourselves while remaining cordial, supportive, and caring towards each other could be what you guys need to come together. The hard part is waiting and not knowing how it will turn out. This is why you engage in Alanon, other hobbies and continue on with raising as healthy and happy children as you can in the meanwhile.

Just pray, do what seems right each day and your HP's will for you will be revealed in time. Trust that.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience too is that it's best not to make definitive decisions early on. You have plenty of time to see how it will turn out, even though I know it's frustrating not to know what direction things will take down the line. For most A's, the first year of sobriety is really a challenge and their emotions are all over the map. Where they will end up in terms of stability and emotional health is unclear yet. What you want to do, I think, is to make the decision based on what he will be like after a year (or two years!), when his recovery will be really clear. So you can't know yet.

Here is a "sobering" (!) word of warning. My ex-AH went into recovery so many times. He did a full rehab program once, followed by a long outpatient program. Other times he just started going into AA and kept it up for quite some time. He had a sponsor and the rest. Sometimes it took months before the relapses started. Sometimes it was quicker. Once I believe it was more than a year. It turns out that only about 25% of alcoholics achieve longterm sobriety. That's how powerful the disease is. My problem was that I based my decisions on whether he was in a program of recovery, rather than whether he was staying sober. Of course you want to go into this with hope and knowledge that thousands of people do stay in recovery. But you also want to protect yourself. Doing both at once is the challenge.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

In my opinion, which is based on experience, there is a short answer: you don't.

I do understand your question. I had asked that several times when my husband went through rehabs (a total of 3).

For me, it's not about whether I can trust him; it's all about my ability to trust myself, and more importantly, the God of my understanding (Higher Power).

I think I could write a book and give so many examples on this subject and how I've changed for the better.

I'm at a point in my life where I know that I'm guided if I ask. All that I've experienced so far, what I deem good and/or bad, has helped me grow into the person I am today.

I now have reunited with my ex-husband (who I refer as my husband). We were married for 36 years. His disease got progressively worse through the years. He has gone through three 30-day rehabs and nearly lost his life during the last one. I divorced him, thinking I would never accept him back. It's been a over a year that we've been back together. So far, I've never regretted asking him to come back home. He has a good recovery going for himself.

I realize that there is a chance of his relapse. But I don't live in fear of that. I KNOW I can take care of myself. I know I don't need our marriage to be happy and/or fulfilled. But it sure is nice being back together.

I could take him back, because I learn to trust HP and myself. My trust continues to grow.

Sorry to ramble; I'm a little tired.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 9th of September 2012 10:14:47 PM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

When faced with the same situation yrs ago luckily I had reached a point in my recovery where I knew and finally understood that I have no control over the choices my husb may make , I also knew that if i continued to keep the focus on my own needs , keep going to the meetings that regardless of what he did I knew I would be okay . think positive you have no idea what God has in store for both of you .Trust takes time , and has to be earned . I am not sorry I took another chance with my husb , we have 22 yrs of sobriety in our home to day lots of changes . Life is good . One day at a time . Louise

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I was sitting here thinking about your and others in this situation. I mean with kids involved.

You know many families have to make their family work for them. Lets say dad has a disease that when he gets real ill he has to go a state away for a few months to get well again. When he gets strong enough, he comes back.

I mean really there are NO promises with anyones family. My husband walked out to go somewhere and died, leaving his very young toddlers.

So for one, I believe when we say we don't know, we don't and that is our answer.Until I KNOW I don't do anything.Take things slow.

What has changed really? Just not using is not an answer at all. What boundaries do you both have? How can you make things run smoother?

Are you planning on supporting him? He may be too sick to work again. In many situations all we can do is love them and hope they can help in our family.

Are you going to al Anon? His open meetings? The more involved we get, the more research we do and educate ourselves is how we come to decisions.

To me there is no such thing as trust. Just isn't. A person is going to do what they are. So the trust I have in me is, I trust each person to do what they are going to do. If I don't like it, its my problem. if he relapses he does, he is an A of course he may. Will he try to manipulate me, he is an A after all. He may not know how to "be" unless he is drunk.they are so immature in so many ways.

I hope you find some foundation under you. I need that in my life. My own foundation.

hugs! Debilyn

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Such great responses. One thing I struggled with (and still do at times) is being ok trusting or not trusting. You will find your way through the chaos if you keep using the al anon tools. A prayer I love is "God hover over me and all is well". all the best to you and your family

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Gail Michelle. The short answer to your question is that you CAN'T! An alcoholic is an alcoholic forever, and can, and often does fall "off the wagon." If you allow yourself to trust, your chances of being disappointed are there.

Diva

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.