The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi All -- For those of us who are slogging through our own recovery, and ready to try a new relationship after the A, I just HAD to share this from Getting them sober -- #4...IT IS SO ME!!!!
Denial is also when we tell ourselves that what is, isn't; and when we tell ourselves that we really dont see what we do see. Solution:
a) Pay attention to cues. We who are used to living with alcoholics, are past-masters at saying to ourselves that the cues are not there. They are. Write down all that was said and done if you start dating, and bounce it off someone who understands alcoholic-family patterns.
b) Don't minimize. We believe, by now, that we "overreact" or that we "make too much out of stuff." We do not. We do the opporsite. We make mountains into molehills.
c) Trust your gut. If you have lived with alcoholism and you get that same gut-wrenching feeling from this new guy...be careful!
d) Remember that we tend to toally overlook the one or two facts that bluntly point out that we are correct when we assess a situation.
Ohhh thanks for this share rehprof!! I'm going to reread that book sooner than later :)
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I would add to try your best not to be creeped out by the guy (or woman) that actually thinks you are great, beautiful, and worthy of committment. I think it creeps many of us out and we think there is something wrong with a person that digs us so much. In actuality, it is possible for a person to be that fond of you without being a headcase. If you continue to look for someone that "plays it cool" and acts like they don't care that much and that you have to do a big dance with and play stupid games....That's a big indicator that he will act like that later on too. Not to say that you should look for someone that wants to marry you after the first date, but someone thoughtful and sweet.
All those things you mentioned there (or that Toby Rice Drews mentioned) are valid...especially the not overlooking facts staring you in the face. If he always wants to meet "for drinks"...um...If he has a ton of shallow "bar friends"...If he has no hobbies or is not at all spiritually connected.... If he can't even treat his own family with the kind of respect and communication that you would expect....
Question:
My father is the alcoholic but my mother has schizophrenia. Me and my mother are estranged as she does not speak to her family at all. I've brought this up on dates. Do women view this as some sort of red flag?
@sj, I would think that is too much information on a first date, even a second. I know I tends to blurt every thing out sooner than later almost as if I'm hoping the guy will hurry up and reject me. You may want to look at your motives in disclosing so much so fast. hugs p ;)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
They'll usually ask 'What does your mom do?' or something basic like that. I dont want to start it off on a lie :) haha. That would be a worse red flag imo.
I agree with Pushka. When just getting to know someone they do not need to know my entire life story. If they ask what does mom or dad do? Then a simple statement would be enough She is on disability . If they persist then I would add she is estranged from the family and I really do not want to discuss it now.
For me, indicators that there's trouble ahead is if I get stressed out, or if I catch myself not just "being myself" in order to somehow impress the person.
If I feel a lot of anxiety where I'm afraid that this person isn't interested in me and may decide to leave, then those are huge red-flag co-dependent indicators for me.
I agree with pink - just because someone thinks you're great it doesn't mean there's something wrong with them.
I've been working on a lot of self-love exercises over the last couple years after having divorced the AH, and I've been telling myself loving things that I don't really think I heard much from anyone outside of me. Stuff like... you're wonderful, you're beautiful... thank you. It's not an exercise in conceit. I'm not doing it as tools for comparison to others. But it's just acknowledgement to myself that yes, I do indeed deserve love and respect and I'm letting it begin with me.
I'll tell you the other day I opened a love letter that was sent to me by this man I'm dating who's out on deployment right now... and he said a lot of the same things to me in this letter that I've been practicing saying to myself. I finally put two and two together and realized that life is just reflecting back to me what I'm giving to myself. And wow... that made me real grateful.
Does it mean I've put him on a pedestal? Definitely not. But wow, I do appreciate his kindness and I'll enjoy that for what it is right now.
Totally agreed, however - I'm a great landscaper, actually. I can build mountains out of mole-hills or tear mountains down to mole-hills depending on how the situation needs to be adjusted to fit my insecurities and character defects. ;)
