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I think I need to keep him at a distance until I have stronger boundaries. He seems to be playing games, with comments like "has anyone told you they love you lately". I told him over a week ago I accepted his choices, accepted my faults in the marriage never mentioning alcohol and was moving on and I wished him a happy life and now he's trying to manipulate me, because he see's I'm changing. My friends ask me why I would go to Alanon when I'm no longer with him and I wondered what in the world was pushing me to go and now I know!!
-- Edited by JJ21 on Sunday 9th of September 2012 12:46:08 AM
So has anyone been able to remain friends with the Ex. Mine seems to think we can be friends now that I get that he loves me, but won't quit drinking, and our differences will cause us to fight so we can't be together. Wants to call me with all his problems now and tell me how he's ready to give up because of all his stress and bills. Seems to me he wants the best of both. Gets to live alone and drink and call me for emotional support.
Not all A's are like your A. I say yes, you can be friends if you still hold on to your boundaries.
The A called me tonite, hadnt heard from him in weeks. My boundaries. 1. He has to be sober, He cant ask me for anything, help, money etc. and no complaining.
He has abided, I enjoy our conversations, he's funny, lively. I asked him if he is still going to AA and he said he is. I didnt talk to him when we first separated, its been 5 years. Perhaps its too soon for you to develop a friendship with your X, but remember there will always be boundaries for it to work.
For me right now I can't be friends for exactly the reason you said, his disease is what is driving him and my friends are open and honest with me. He is not either. Because we have children together I have to deal with him however .. I can do my best to see him as a child of God. Outside of that I don't have much to give to him on the friend level.
What I have done is keep very strong boundaries and I'm ok knowing what my truth is and staying on my side of the street. It's the best I have got in dealing with someone who is just caught in his addiction.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
JJ - I guess you would want to ask "What is in this for me?" It sounds selfish but friendships are supposed to be mutually enjoyable. What does he have to offer you? If it's 90 percent give and 10 percent take (or less)....what's the pay off? Time would be better spent nurturing yourself or with friends who ARE emotionally available.
In AA we constantly are telling in other not to "cosign each other's BS." I suppose that means to stop seeking out others to enable our negative and self-destructive thinking. I definitely see the whining, complaining and bitching he is doing as an attempt to get you to cosign his BS and justify a reason to drink his life away. It seems pretty clear to me that you do not want a part of that any more. I can have empathy for people stuck in that alcholic rut - having been there myself. BUT- it's too easy to have my world colored negatively by surrounding myself or innundating myself with it.
Your world will remain brighter when you surround yourself with other bright, optimistic people.
Mine would love to be friends with benefits and be able to keep blaming me for all that went wrong, so friends we can not be in my book. I don't need the head trip.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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