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Today was one of the hardest days since I left my AH on monday. After calling for divorce papers yesterday, my mind has once again gone back to the 'on the fence' possitions. I feel so confused between the concepts of Re-acting and Acting. I've gone from feeling that I want a divorce as a reaction to his drinking to thinking it's an reaction to the way I've been hearing my family talk around me. I'm lost on how to act... I'm not sure I've ever known how. (Perhaps a scar left by my father's past abuse of drinking?) I feel like I lost myself somewhere and I'm not even sure who that girl used to be anymore.
I feel like I have to convince myself to be upset with my AH in order to carry out this divorce, but at the same time I hate the thought of having to walk away... even dispite the pain and abuse I've been through. He was my wish come true, knight in shinning armor, and everything I could ever want. I've always believed without the drinking we'd be the perfect fairytale couple. When I think over the 3+ years I spent with him, there is a myriad mix of the good memories that break my heart and make me want to go running back in his arms; But the bruises on my arms insist that I move on.
To be honest, I feel like I'm doing things to please everyone around me! I've always been like that though. I feel like either way I go I'm going to hurt somebody and either way I'm going to end up losing someone. I wish I knew my family would support me no matter which path I chose to take, but they've all made it perfectly clear that they'd rathr not see me continue with my AH (for very understandable reasons). It makes me want to look at them all and say "I'm a grown ass 22 year old woman let me make my mistake and promise to be here when I need you."
I know there is no rush to make any decisions, and that it's not even been a full week since the seperation. Am I being far to haste? Someone please help me figure out what to do!!
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Weather by irony or fate, this Al-anon site came into my life when I needed it the most, hours before I even knew I would need it this much. I thank you ALL for your kind words, inspiring stories, and support!
In my 66 years of being on this planet I have learned that you have to please yourself.
The only voice you should listen too is yours. Alanon would tell you to give it 6 months, but also you would have to be attending Alanon and be involved with the support that it would bring you.
You could hold off on the divorce papers or go threw with it , nothing would change. I say if you cant make up your mind then dont do anything. Just take care of yourself at this time and give yourself some space.
I really encourage you to attend a face to face meeting, as a matter of fact , many Alanon meetings would help you. You cant do anything for the Alcoholic, but you can get yourself better.
Otherwise your going to be in a cycle and doing the same things over again.You have to take an action that will change the present circumstances. I think you really need the tools of Alanon.
All I can say is keep coming back and you will find the tools of Alanon will give you strength. Hugs, Bettina
Thank you for sharing you wisdome Bettina. This made me feel better about being on the fence on and off again. I have plans to attend my first meeting on wednesday and am looking forward to it.
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Weather by irony or fate, this Al-anon site came into my life when I needed it the most, hours before I even knew I would need it this much. I thank you ALL for your kind words, inspiring stories, and support!
Inuyami...you got the best suggestion, I believe, that you are able to receive. You have an entirely drifferent family surrounding you than the family of orgin you are inter-reacting with and that is your MIP/Al-Anon Family. Bettina gave you the lead. Now its up to you to try it and or any other thing you think will work for you. The difference is that there a thousands of family members in the program in almost every country on this planet that will also invite you to the face to face meetings of Al-Anon where you will meet us and hear where we have come from, what we have found out and how are lives are so different positively today. I cannot make a better suggestion that what Bettina has given cause it is what I did along with college, expensive counseling, and other programs.
I like your post because it is sooooo graphically where I was at in mind and spirit before I got here and I had the same questions in much the same language "act or re-act" be angry at my alcoholic/addict so it would justify my actions. I needed help and my HP provided Al-Anon. I dropped everything I was doing and got all the way into the groups...kept and open mind, listened, listened, listened; learned, learned, learned and now practice, practice, practice. When I got to Al-Anon I knew nothing about alcoholism and didn't know that I didn't know. I didn't know I was supposed to and yet I was born and raised in the disease and had already had three major alcoholic relationships with two of them coming to marriage and divorce. I didn't know that it was all that I knew how to behave in and I did know when I got to the rooms that I was certifiably crazy. Thats all changed now. I know the difference between act and react now...mostly I act after I think for as long as I need to to choose the right response for me.
Keep coming back...Keep reading the memberships share...Keep moving toward the meeting room.
It's hard to give up on that dream of the fairytale couple and the knight in shining armor, but the saying about 'going to the hardware store for bread' applies. Just because our hopes are intense doesn't mean they're fulfillable. It's heady and delicious being in that dream, but then we sacrifice so much waiting for it to pay off, and pretty soon it's all sacrifice. Been There Done That!
I hear you This is indeed a confusing time and everyone has an opinion as to what you should do.
Alanon suggests that we make no major changes in our lives for the first 6 month to a year in program -. unless there is violence. Then we are urged to do as you have done- take care of yourself and make sure we are safe.
Now that you are safe It would be very helpful if you could begin your RECOVERY by attending face to face meetings in your community before making any additional decisions Here you will break the isolation, discover new tools that work- understand the difference between acting and Re-acting and then at last , find your self and your wants and needs. You will be encouraged to do this all without anyone telling you what to do.
Live One Day at a time doing what is right for your recovery and keep coming back here
Drinking is one thing...leaving bruises on you is another. At that point your family is watching you engage in behavior that directly hurts you and how could you expect them to have any other opinions? That's like saying "Will you guys sit back and support and love me while I hit myself with this hammer?" No...they wont and it's because they love you.
Given that, it's perfectly understandable to have mixed feelings in your situation. Often the make up break up roller coaster ride with 1. an alcoholic and 2. an abusive person is so intense and such a mindscrew (pardon the crassness) that it's addictive and super hard to break itself.
If you have something in your head saying "I should be angry about having this boundary crossed." You probably should pay attention to that. Similarly, you need not dismiss fond memories and the love that may still be there also. It's a legitimately painful process you are going through and both staying and leaving have their own emotional tolls.
