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Hi all,
I am in Al-Anon since a few months and I have searched and prayed for a sponsor for a while. One friend, who is going to many meetings and was there when I felt really bad at the beginning of my journey, almost became "the one". Our relationship was almost like the one of a sponsor and sponsee. She suggested me the perfect book when I needed it. She pointed things out to me. She is such a happy and open person.
On day we met for a coffee and I was 10 to 15 minutes late. I had sent her a text, but she had forgotten her phone at home. I apologized for being late. The next time I was absolutely on time and she was not there... I texted her, I tried to call her and after 25 Minutes I went for a stroll through the shops nearby. After 40 minutes she called me like "Hey, you texted you are at ... Where are you?" I was irritated and asked her if there was a lot of traffic or so. No...
At the last meeting we agreed to drive to another city today for a meeting. I wrote her a text asking when and where we meet. When I came out of the shower I saw her text. "No sorry not this week." I had to completely re-plan my Saturday. Kind of luckily I later got a strong migraine, so I was glad not to be driving all around the UK
I know now that she is not going to be my sponsor, but I am still not sure how to handle this. Boundaries in friendships like this are difficult for me. And walking away like from an abusive A is not possible here either, as she already did. What I would do is to be careful with appointments with her in the future, maybe avoiding calling her up for some time until things get clearer for me. I might say I wait 15 mins the next time we want to meet and then go home if I am still sitting around alone. Do you have any ESH for this?
I am sorry that this situation has surfaced just as you were gaining alanon experience and tools. Alanon members are all attempting to recover from the devastating affects of living with this disease. We are each working hard to use the alanon tools and replace many negative attitudes and behaviors with positive actions. Many times we come up short. There is a saying in alanon "Thank God we are not all crazy at the same time. "
I have had a similar situation early on in program It was difficult for me to express my needs and ask for what I wanted. Alanon gave me permission to do just that. I asked to speak to the member, expressed my concerns, and we reached a consensus.
The closing at our alanon meetings says it all:
"Talk things over, reason things out but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Let the understanding, love and peace of the programs grow in you one day at a time".
Good Luck and keep coming back here and sharing the journey
hi and welcome to the mip board. i was so used to dealing with alcoholics and other dysfunctional people all my life, that i had come to expect a defensive, irrational, conflict based response from other people, and that speaking up about my own genuine concerns just wasnt an option in life. how surprised i was in coming to alanon, where i gradually tested out voicing my needs and boundaries and finding mostly a cooperative approach and people willing to be open and honest. ive been pissed off and have pissed others off at times, but with the willingness of both parties to put alanon principls before our personal egos, and the common welfare of all, and make amends or offer forgiveness where necrmessary, things have been worked out. if your new friend is working her program, she will most likely be open to hearing you out and reaching a compromise. say ehat you mean, mean what you say, and dont say it mean, anf you should be fine! if the woman becomes unreasonable, she may not have been the best person as a role model anyway! remember people arent perfect, just human like us, and even sponsor candidates have different values or make mistakes! good luck and keep coming back :o) Tigger
You can always write a letter? I find sometimes a letter is a lot better because you can read it over a few times. Make sure it is not destructive. I am not good with confrontations. It is very hard for me to confront someone. I worry I am going to hurt them. Sometimes there are also people who just have so much in their own lives that they don't think about "other people." She may have become someone you have valued but she may not see you that way.
I agree about being on time, it is respectful. I understand people make mistakes but you aren't suppose to be a doormat.
I always put myself in other people's shoes. I may get angry and pissed at the moment but then I have to think...maybe they are having a rough day or week or month? You just don't know. Then again sometimes people are just very insensitive. Expectations are a hard thing. You are not being unreasonable for asking her to be on time and to answer a text. That is a give and take in a relationship. If communication/or trust/respect is broken then it takes a while to build it up. All you can do is simply talk about how you feel without making her defensive.
If she chooses to be that way, time to move on. She can't be depended on.
-- Edited by InspiredPhotography on Sunday 9th of September 2012 08:09:53 AM
__________________
"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
Nobody should resent you for not leaving and you shouldn't think that you are so different than anyone who has. You said it's not possible - it's always possible to end a relationship.
Sorry you had fallout from this friend. Since now the friendship is disappointing you, you have nothing to lose by humbly trying to address some of the issues and miscommunication that may have led to this. Or you could just move on....but it sounds like you would really like to keep this friend. Perhaps use it as a "safer" experiment for speaking up for your own needs?
Thanks so much for your answers. It is somehow good to read that some of you would not find this behaviour ok. I think I am going to have a little talk with her, at least about Saturday, which is the easier incident for me now. I also called another friend to have a quick talk, because we might have had a little misunderstanding, nothing serious. You are right, I am afraid of confronting others. I think I am somewhat invading their every day peace with my problems. Anyway, I am up to some gentle practice.
I know now that she is not going to be my sponsor, but I am still not sure how to handle this. Boundaries in friendships like this are difficult for me. And walking away like from an abusive A is not possible here either, as she already did. What I would do is to be careful with appointments with her in the future, maybe avoiding calling her up for some time until things get clearer for me. I might say I wait 15 mins the next time we want to meet and then go home if I am still sitting around alone. Do you have any ESH for this?
