The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I DID IT! Drove over to treatment center yesterday for first 'counseling session', I have been reading "CoDependent No More" and was ready. I calmly stated I needed a separation for myself, I was not comfortable living with him, and that even though he is saying he will 'work on it to be the best husband ever' that they were simply words I had heard time and again and that I had no reason to trust him. He pulled out all his normal weapons: got angry, accused me of not loving him as much as he loved me, looked sad, said he didn't know how he would go on without me, and on and on. I told him that I could no longer bear the weight of having his life in my hands (he always said I could leave him but if I did he had no reason to live and would kill himself). I was clear that I was not filing for divorce, right now, I am willing to wait and see if he means what he says about getting better. Do I really believe he will, no, I think once he lives alone he will go farther off the deep end, but I can't worry about that anymore - that is up to him. It didn't help that during the session he admitted he was still drinking and using porn up to the day he tried to kill himself, he has told me has been sober from both for years. I am working through my feelings of anger, angry that I trot off to work every day to support his won't work butt and while I am working hard trying to keep a roof over our heads that he was home having a daily party with his booze and his video tapes. I hope they are happy together, I am out of this love triangle. I take responsibility that I allowed it to go on for so long, I am working on making better decisions for myself now.
He has 21 more days in treatment and I need the attorney to instruct me how to do this but I have taken my first step. I feel good about myself. It is the first time I have been honest with him in years. I know it will probably get worse before it gets better, but I am ready now. For me, I realize that my pain can be temporary doing what I am doing now, or permenent in a life trapped by someone who loves his disease more than he ever loved me. Thank you all my friends here, you have been a tremendous support! ts
Thank you for sharing, Trudy. Praying that your Higher Power guides you through this transition. It's a tough road and one I haven't chosen to take yet, mainly because I know how difficult it will be! Keep us posted on how things go for you. Lifting you up today in my thoughts and prayers.
Nobody loves their alcholism. That's a misconception. Alcholism is feuled by fear and self-hate. Alcholics are busted - plain and simple. By the time it was obvious to others that I had a real problem with drinking - I still loved the way alcohol numbed me and took my feelings away, but I hated that I couldn't stop and it created so many serious problems in all areas of my life. It was terrifying that I couldn't stop even when I wanted to.
It's very good for you to be focusing on yourself right now, continuing to detach and also getting out of his way so he can either pursue recovery or not. It's all on him now (it always was anyhow). Of course now your self growth and discovery can take off too cuz you will have much more time and space to build up yourself, your spirituality, and become a more stong and happy person!
