I did it. I kicked him out. - Al-Anon Family Group

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

I did it. I kicked him out.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry to read this and Ii can relate. Do something fun to take care of yourself tonight, bath, pedicure, card game with the kid. I always felt it was the alocohol over me and our girls. I am sending you love and support!

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

You stayed strong, that's really good. Give him to your HP and he needs to figure this out on his own. When I went through a very similar situation, a friend told me if I truly felt he was in danger, I could call the local police or sheriff for a "welfare check". That leaves you out of the saving equation. Hugs.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Kat...what you're going thru is normal...not nice...normal for the disease and the enabler in it. Accept your decision and the consequences of it which aren't feeling very good for you now and then they never will until you get more of the first three steps in your experiences. When I learned how to make a decision and stay with it in spite of all pressure and self judgement I grew. This is a cunning powerful and baffling disease and both of you are being affected by it. Use your tools, phone, literature, meetings and MIP. Its okay for him to be hand and hand with his alcohol...that is not a happy painfree relationship...the more pain he feels from it the more he will want out of it. Stay out of his way and out of your HP's way. Let the two of them meet without your direction and hang with the board. You are supported here as long as you listen with an open mind and stay out of "your" program; "Kats" program not the Al-Anon program. Before I got into and on the Al-Anon program I worked my own personal one and that one never ever worked. Letting go and turning you over to HP. ((((hugs)))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Kat,

Do you have the new comer packet?? There is a wealth of information in those that will bring you some comfort. Do you have a phone list from any of the face to face meetings you have been to? Use that as well. Those are the tools I go to when I get into situations where I feel overwhelmed and doubting my resolve.

You've done something different and it feels wrong .. that's actually good that it causes you discomfort. It means growth. Stay strong stay close to the boards and just remember to take it one min at a time. Saying the serenity prayer means a great deal to me during difficult times.

Hugs P :)

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

This is where you have to let reality set in. You may WANT him home, sober, with his family. But that isn't going to happen. So what are you going to do? Where do you go from here? You could look at it in a positive way. Like this: you have been through hell with this man. It didn't work out the way you wanted it. You tried! But if nothing changes, nothing changes. Now you can have a new dream for your future. That's how I try to look at my situation anyway. Hope it helps.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I did the same thing Elecktra, just a couple of weeks ago after 10 years of trying to "fix" him. I would not give in to the fact that I could not control his behavior. The day it dawned on me, he was totally wasted, and I threw him out. The peace and quiet in my home is lovely. He nearly died with the latest binge, and says he is finished drinking and abusing pain pills. Do I believe that? Not on your life. Good for you for setting the boundaries and sticking to them. Both you and your daughter will be better off for your strength of character. I wish you all good things for the future.

Diva

katfshh · Senior Member

Just wanted to say, I recently went through something similar. It was very difficult. My house is far more peaceful now. Keep coming to the board. It has been such a saving grace for me. xxoo.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

He needs you to be strong for him.You kicked out the disease not him. He has to learn to fight it on his own.

I know you love him.We have to learn by letting them go,we are showing them that.

Proud of you for sticking to your boundaries, good for your daughter too. It's very ok to tell your daughter that we love daddy, to show him that we have to allow him to fight this disease alone. Its the only way he can get well.

I think kids need us to tell them it is not their fault at all. That everything is ok. Its super scarey to have a parent leave.

You have taught her a huge life lesson, that we do not have to put up with someone elses behavior.

It does hurt, I still remember and it has been so many years. Enjoy the peace. If you can catch him sober, there is no reason you cannot meet in a park and just sit. He is not dead. i would always meet in a public place.

You may not be ready to completely let go. that is very ok! sometimes it takes many tries. For me I had to keep being around him as much as I could. when he was gone again, each time he left it got easier. The first time like what you are going thru is horrible as you don't know what is happening.

Or you can choose to let it go too. We know they are never cured. I could not live with a relapse. Just couldn't.

You can call an al anon number and find someone to talk to. when you can get to a meeting, get phone numbers!!! They don't give them out unless they want you to feel comfy and call!

Sending you a mustard seed! love,debilyn

holivex · Veteran Member

I did the same thing a couple of months ago. It is the hardest thing to do in the world. And my A did reach that dark place. He almost od'd on a mix of librium and alcohol while he was holed up in an extended stay motel, was taken to the ER by ambulance and then sent to a detox/rehab unit of a local mental health hospital. The first time he went to detox it was because I took him. His heart wasn't in it, and he immediately started drinking again upon discharge. Now he has been sober for three weeks and is attending AA every day. He starts therapy tomorrow. Do I think he is going on a straight and narrow path forever now? Probably not- the statistics support the fact that he will probably relapse at some point in his life. But today he is sober and seeing his children, who miss their dad.

Not so long ago I spoke to an alcoholic who has been in recovery for 20 years. What he told me was, if I take my A back and allow him to continue the path he was on, I will help to kill him. Tough love is the only way. So no matter how much it hurts you, think about the fact that you are doing it OUT OF love. He will try to make you feel like you have abandoned him, etc., because that is the disease talking. But hopefully this will be his rock bottom and he will learn how his life will be if he chooses alcohol over everything else.

I found that it helped my children when we came up with a separate name for the alcoholic than just 'Daddy'. We decided to call him 'Mr. A'. We talked about how we loved Daddy, but did not love his choices. When we expressed angry feelings, we referred to him as Mr. A. It was ok for them to direct as much vitriol as they wanted towards Mr. A. But when we cried and talked about who we missed, it was Daddy. That seemed to help them not feel so guilty over being angry and hurt by their father. Because the reality is that the alcohol really does create a completely different personality in my husband than the man I married and had children with.

Best wishes to you and your daughter. If it gets to be too much, you might have to cut off contact with him. That helped me a lot.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.