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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Tired of the struggle
Post Info TOPIC: Tired of the struggle
Debilyn


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Tired of the struggle
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Needed to come here to vent. Maybe if I do this, others will stop and learn to protect themselves from this horrible disease.

I had NO idea what being an addict meant, or how a person cannot have a usual marriage with one. I had been widowed 18 years, super independant. I had to work hard at being a wife like my Mother. Sharing bank accounts, vehicles, our home, everything.

I was ignorant. Before I was led by HP to MIP I had lost everything. My life of working hard, college,raising my kids, money in the bank, retirement was gone.

Life has been a struggle. Now I have a bone disease, an autoimmune disease, and asthma. sigh I have always been healthy, busy and strong. Animal person who had a five acre animal sanctuary with horses, llamas, pigs, well everything. AH and I did serious rescue.

He had a brain surgery, stole everything, damaged everything and went away leaving me to live in a tiny room in my barn.

Anyway it has been around 9 years now. Even though I am as frugal as i can be and have a life, with gas, food, doc bills, hospital bills, I have lost it. Not even depressed, passed that to ok bring it on, whatever. Prayed to HP to please give me the strength i need to go on.

Power may be off today. I am not eligible for help becuz I worked all my life and my income of $1200 a month is $20 some dollars over the limit. I get $16 in food credit. Lets see who paid into the programs who help people? Certainly not the drug addicts, lazy people having one kid after another while the lowlife spouse does nothing.They can get housing and all kinds of assistance from we who worked. Now when I need help, sorry.

I was feeling so guilty this morn. Then I thought why the heck do I feel guilty? It's hard enough to make it now with two incomes! Here I am washing in cold, drying hanging up, use computer for tv and net,email. power, life insurance on A that just went up thirty bucks thank you, and my cell only 30 bucks. rent. that is it. food is killing me, gas is insane, I tell my doc what I need but he wants to see me, Isee him and he gives me what I asked for over he phone. Another twenty bucks down the drain.

court for stupid dog hating neighbor was canceled after I had been blessed with 5 witnesses who came for me! animal control forgot. omgosh. more money down the drain, plus i am hurting on 4th day from going there and back.Main thing I felt awful my friends wasted time and money.

so how does one on a fixed income, make it? fact is ya can't. I finally have to let it go. Plus they cannot get to my cabin. gate is locked, have a serious guard dog, I am a disbled old woman living in the mountains, all I can afford.AND  the power company will not call me when they come. if they turn it off at the pole, that is another hundred bucks.

My thought is ok lettem turn it off. this means no water for me too. Need the pump towell. so here I am honestly in horrible pain, hate pain pills but lately have used them for a day,and heading over to a friends to get as many jugs of water as I can for me drinking,and filling water fast from here for washing and whatever.

Just broke my foot in two places in July, sprained myhand and broke my thumb. This bone thing is at the point my bones break easily. I stepped into a crevice and went down up here.

I don't smoke, or do any drugs, eat healthy which is more expensive, rarely use lights. I do nothing, no movies, no going anywhere.I am pretty satisfied with being home up here.

so I only buy needs and here I am in this dumb position. The disease is killing me, and it was from my ex AH who lives off of well is a parasite off this host icky old woman, pays for nothing, and she allows him to use her.He never wants for anything. Plus she is very sick so he gets great drugs....

I just give in, I throw my hands up and asked hp to help me be able to do this. Its horribly lonely up here with no internet. I read a lot that will help. My goal is to keep it off until I can get it all caught up then turn it back on. You watch, it will be a HUGE amount to get it back on.

some people say well 'get rid of your animals! omg they are all I have and the dogs are ones I had before way before this crises!they are my family. two big ones and four little. then I got a guard dog who bites as the meth addicts and who ever up here were stealing my gas and undoing my fence all the time. Been 100% safe since.two very old cats.

LIke telling me to cut my heart out. besides I know how to vet very well, but they never get sick or hurt. ONe of my dearest friends is  a vet for any emergency.

I just cannot ask my friends to help me anymore. Just cannot. I have paid them all back of course. but if I borrow this money then my next check isn't enough.

so what do I do, not buy food, not have gas to get to doc grocery store, my Kingdom  Hall? not pay doc bills and no longer can go?  Not get the meds I need?

Not have a phone and live up here with no way to get help when I fall down?

I hate this disease.It has killed me, the struggle is too much. I freaking give up.

so if you are with an A, or dating one or whatever, protect yourself and that person becuz the disease will suck you dry.

My belief is to love them, and expect NOTHING from them at all, never ever depend on them for anything. Their disease is more than they can handle as it is.

down the tube. debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Sweet Stanley


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(((Debilyn)))  Hugs to you.

Sometimes you just have to take a day off and hand it over to your HP.  It seems HE/SHE will take care of us, one way or the other.  I've also read a lot of your posts and I know that you are too strong a person to just throw in the towel. You are a fighter and you will work it out/figure it out.

We are all here for you. I am hoping and praying that things work out for you. Peace to you.



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Sweet Stanley
Path to Serenity


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I can certainly relate to the stress of living on a fixed income. This past summer I needed to buy hubby's meds and was in the medicare donut hole - the RX he needed cost over $800 - to come up with the money I had to pawn my G'grandmothers wedding rings. I was so thankful that I had them to pawn but the past few months have been really tough making ends meet - currently owe over $5K to various doctors and just have to send tiny payments when I have it. Our church did gift us $1000 to help us out and accepting charity was so hard for me but I knew the gift was guided by a HP so I did accept it with gratitude. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that I have to find a way to pay it forward.

I will pray that your HP provides you with what you need. My HP has never let me down - sometime help didn't come until that final hour but it did come.

((((Debilyn))))



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Jackie11


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So much. Praying for you!!! Sending hugs!!!!!



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hotrod


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DEar Deb

In my thoughts and prayers. 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Debilyn


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Well HP sent me a phone number, appointment on Tuesday and the whole power bill is paid! From government money that I or more we payed into. (c:

thank you for your listening and comments. I love it when others vent back too! We need to get it out!

Many hospitals have financial aid.

I hate that doughnut hole thing. some meds are all one price at Walmart.

I learned when I really thought I would be without power, that ok hp help me be strong enough to do this. bringing water in here and not having washer or net or stove or anything. Think of it as camping. That a day at a time I can make this ok.

Many,many people live without power in the world now!

With the world falling apart on us I believe we are going to have to seriously help each other. One way is sharing. We never know the ideas others will come up with!

I always figured it was good to know how to live being money poor. And also be happy I must add!

hugs!



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
nmike


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I can understand your frustration at the disease. I just can't see that your HP will not come through for you because you have been such a giving, supportive person here at MIP!

Nancy

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Debilyn


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Nancy even if I did get it cut off, hp would be there guiding me how to make it anyway. I have experienced that. It is what I mean by everything will be ok no matter what! thank you for your kind words...now tell my only neighbor i have this who hates dogs so hates me!

After all this. My best friend in La. calls me, he did not understand my message that all was ok and I did not need help. He says I paid it. I said WHAT!!?? You just paid enough to keep it on right? No he paid the whole thing and more.

I am so blessed. I felt so bad and didn't know what to say, finally he says,"shut up and say thank you!" this is what makes him my best friend. such a good friend and can tell me to shut up and I know he is saying I love you!



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
ilovedogs


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Praying that HP cares for you and guides you in these dark times, Debilyn. You are an inspiration to all of us. And, you're right, the world is falling apart and we need to support each other, I just hope humanity(especially here in self centered USA) figures it out and neighbors learn to become true neighbors again. My son and I just joined a neighborhood Bible study group and it's been wonderful to meet people who seem normal raising their kids, talking about helping the less fortunate, coming up with phone lists so we can help each other, etc.

My mom and her husband have had a very survivalist attitude about life for the past 20 years. They live on a farm in rural Virginia about 1 hour outside of DC. She grows most of her own vegetables, berries, and has some fruit trees in her orchard. She has a root cellar for the potatoes, onions, and apples, etc. She has beehives and makes her own honey. They run the farm on their own well and use solar for about 30% of their electricity. The well has a pump, just in case the power goes out. They also have 2 gas tanks on their property (diesel and regular) and they get a much better price, they also hand pump the gas and let me tell you that is bicep building work!

Whenever my son and I go to visit, we run with the horses in the field, help the cats chase the mice, find the hidden snakes in the tool shed, and help my mom with any gardening work she needs done. It's back breaking but my son gets a taste of what life is like when you commit to going organic, raising your own chickens, etc. They also have deer stands on their property and her husband hunts. They have elderly neighbors and a woman next door who lives in a room in her barn, as well. When I hear your story I think of Sudzy(that's her nickname). She leases her horse pasture and space in her barn for money but has autoimmune problems, too. She lives day to day and survives through the kindness of strangers, etc. My mom pays her to watch the farm when she travels. Sudzy also has some physical problems getting around but she works a few hours a week at the local general store and she has lots of friends and neighbors looking out for her.

Anyway, I share these stories Deb to let us all know that no matter where we are in life, HP can guide us and direct us. Some of us live in the country, others in the city, some near the beach, while some are in the mountains but we all have the same basic struggles. We all share this big old blue marble we spin around on and every human has a different story, a different struggle, it's what makes life interesting to me. Thank you for sharing your story with us, Deb. I will keep you in my prayers. Your HP has not forsaken you, his plans for you will be revealed as you ask for guidance.

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Struggling to find me......
Path to Serenity


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ILD: your Mom's place sounds like a little piece of heaven.

I too worry about the future & our economy. Started keeping a month's supply of food stuff stored away for emergencies and it did come in handy this past summer with all the medical bills. Got really tired of Top Ramen but we did not go to bed hungry. I also keep a small garden going - not enough to survive on but at least I keep up my skills, so to speak, and my neighbors love it when I have excess tomatoes Bought a small dehydrator & am learning what foods can be dried & stored - it just gives me peace of mind knowing that I have the skills to get by in hard times.



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Highlyfavored


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I said a prayer for you.

God bless you!

Gettingitright!!



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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time.  And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers

Gettingitright!
pineapple


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Oh Deb, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. But I'm so glad you are blessed with good friends to help you out. I can definitely relate to the money problems. My A and I made the decision to move and live in another country based on the idea that we could support ourselves with both our savings and eventually both our social security. Now he's gone, I'm more than a few years from getting S.S. and struggling to figure out a way to support myself and pay my modest expenses each month. Like you, I have a simple life and do without many things. One of my biggest expenses is feeding my animals. But that is just as important to me as feeding myself. They bring me so much joy and comfort I can't even think of getting rid of them to save money. NO way! I understand it's a challenge, and a struggle and some days it seems like it's all just too much. So come here and vent when you need to, love up your critters, take care of yourself, have faith in HP. Sending you much strength and many big hugs!

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