I created my first crisis with the bf - Al-Anon Family Group

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I created my first crisis with the bf

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Last night I went on facebook and my bf had a picture of him and a friend of his, she was beautiful and they were at a school party together with an hawaiin theme and it was titled getting Leighed with him and her name. They have studied together and are friends from him going to school for the last year. The picture hurt and I was feeling jealous. My 14 year old looked at it and she said oh very nice sarcastically, I said it pissed me off and she said it shouldn't have surprised me since he has a picture on the cover of his phone of some model. Just the other day he was ogling a woman while we were out together and I told him it bugged me and his answer was, if a woman is going to put it out there he was going to check it out. That hurt and I am wondering if I am dating a neanderthal. He has 100 great qualities, am I freaking out over nothing? I changed my profile picture from us back to me and when I told him I was bothered by his newest picture, he wanted to know if that was reactionary on my part that I changed mine, I admitted yes it was. I am comparing him and my exAH and my ex had learned better than to objectify women especially in front of me or our daughters. My ex hid his porn in files of his computer and would come clean to me about it from time to time. I need someone who can be accountable and willing to grow with me. There is a reason I was looking at dating only Chrisitan men and I know they are still human and men. I need to know if I am expecting too much here? I need some ESH on this.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

To my mind it's not about what's expecting too much as to whether you and your bf are on the same page as far as values and expectations. I think a lot of people would have trouble with what he's doing -- quite a lot. In the olden days, faced with this, I would have lectured him on inappropriate behavior and warned him and threatened him and cajoled and done a ton of things to try to control him. But I've come to understand that when they do things like this, they're showing us who they are. If that's not who we want to be with, it's not up to us to force them to change. It's up to us to take good care of ourselves and hold out for someone who shares our values. That was where I went wrong. I'd always hang on with my fingernails until the last gasp, trying to make the man change his behavior. You can guess whether that ever worked.

My experience is that people like me tend to err on the side of sticking around too long, instead of being judgmental and leaving too early. I could have used a little more judgmentalism to protect myself.

I hope you'll take good care of yourself!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs BF,

Is this a deal breaker for you? Personally, I think it's rude to be out with someone and checking out other women. I can't tell you if that is my insecurity or if that's a real issue. I wouldn't be slobbering over some guy even if he had a good body, if I'm out on a date with someone else. I think there is a way to look without staring .. maybe that's wrong. I just don't think that literally staring and almost walking into a pole is exactly right. Again this is me and where I am coming from.

I always laugh in the movie Bolt where the guy is always saying .. let's stick a pin in this and revisit it later. It's true .. I find when I give myself a little distance, ask how important is it, and THEN I can address it in a calm fashion by addressing the issue and not having it get deflected by my own insecurities. I gotta figure what is my issue and what is the real issue at hand. I don't have to do it that min AND I can call my sponsor and reason things out.

Don't over analyze this because I know I live inside my head of all of the what if's in everything.

Hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Knowing if you are a match with someone is not whether or not you have arguments per say - it's how the two of you communicate and resolve them that will be the clincher. If this initiates discussion and then moving closer - YAY! If it only initiates defensiveness and further disagreement - Red flag.

The dating game is tricky. You are not always on the same page of commitment at the same exact time. It is an annoying sort of game a lot of the time, sometimes its fun and exciting, but it's a journey and at least you are open to it (albeit afraid of getting hurt which is normal).

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sweetheart this is not Christian behavior in my book. Being a Christian for me is striving to follow Jesus example.

Myself, I would not stick around him. It's not so much he is looking, it is his attitude. Sounds very immature to me.

I don't care who this chick is, if he is your boyfriend, what is making him have pics of other women?

Well we look for red flags, I see a ton of them here. If he is this cold, and when you say it bothers you, and he has no compassion about it, that tells me lack of respect. Also uncaring of others feelings.

Remember just because someone is an addict, does not mean they don't have some morals, and wonderful things about them.

Some people date with a relationship inmind, some are working towards marriage. Just does not sound like you two are on the same path. I know it hurts, it's hard to look at this when you thought you had found a good one. Even your young daughter can see the truth. What is it telling her if you cont. this relationship? How much are you worth to yourself.

I decided if I ever see men again, the first time something is uncomfortable, that is that. I am talking immoral or lieing or arguing or trying to tell me what to do etc. Not that he leaves his shoes in the living room, or whatever.

I am not saying you have,but this is exactly why I believe in no sex before marriage. I will not share that deepest part of me with someone I don't really know if I like them enough to marry them. NO way.

It takes time to develop friendships, even years! So why would anyone sleep with someone and all their someones and not know where he or she has been? Plus I wonder if he was out and someone was showing it and offering it to him, if he would accept.

If he was a good man, you would have NO reason to be concerned about that.

You are wise to share this! here for you! love,debilyn

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know why I am weighing in on this, except that I am perhaps going to write something that I need to read.

I don't think it is as much a question of whether this man is a knuckle-dragger as it is about you and what you are comfortable with.

And it has been my experience that if somebody has behaviors that feel like nails on a blackboard very early in getting to know him, the chances are very good that that behavior will not lessen over time.

You have so much on your plate right now. My wish for you, if you continue to date, would be that it is fun, light-hearted and enhances your life and the lives of your children.

Hugs,
Temple

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Great wisdom here! forgot to say.. YOU created???? I am wondering what makes you believe you created anything? It's natural we are not going to see eye to eye on everything .But when it hits the core of us, bugs us, we must listen.

YOU my dear are very wise! You saw it, confronted it,saw his behavior, now you are facing a hard, hard reality of a red flag.

Look at your confidant woman side, would she put up with this?Would she want such a shallow man in her life? Yes it is natural to look, but this is way beyond that,way way beyond.

hugs, get that strong lady out here!

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, what amazing ESH, thank you for the post and the shares!

You know what, when I first read your post before the amazing ESH my immediate thought was those are deal breakers for me.

You didn't create a crisis, you just realize that this is a flag.

I really appreciate Glad Lee's inventory suggestion. I think this is a great way to process.

Sending you hugs and support!!!!!

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I wouldn't have it. THis sort of behavior is rude, uncaring, and disrespectful. If you continue to be with him, you will continue to be hurt, jealous, and angry. Is he worth it? How did you "create" this? I don't understand.

Diva

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Because I let things add up and when I brought this all up to him, I was very confrontational (his words.) He has been used to seeing me flowing and docile this far and it was a shock to him to see me get mad at him. I was cool and using my head, but pissed and in his defensiveness I am not sure I like what I heard. He brought up it made him feel like he had to hide stuff from me. I am thinking I need to back off and take a step back already like a month into dating exclusively. I am going to see him tonight and my sponsor asked me my definition of the difference of a Christian man and your average guy and I answered her and then she said next time you see him ask him and compare your answers to find out if we are on the same page. She is so smart!

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

But I seem to attract smooth-talking men. So today, I trust actions, not words. I trust people by their esteemable acts. Sometimes I get my answer, and I just don't like it.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

There are unacceptable behaviors that those who engage in them try to make us feel like there is something wrong with US if we don't want to accept them. My ex did the same thing, called it "people" watching - which would have maybe been acceptable if he watched ALL people, not just the cute girly ones - never did watch him turn his head 360 degrees following an average joe with an interesting outfit...... And if I complained, then I was being a controlling bullying person, this was a marriage not a prison, I didn't stop being a man when I got married, etc.

For a laugh I might have started doing the same to him, oogling men; but the resulting fight just wouldn't have been worth it.

I read somewhere about the things we are forced to accept leave us feeling like we have a leech on our tongues - my daughter and I refer to that concept often because our society just expects us to accept what is unacceptable.

I've not even taken a first step in the dating game, not even close to wanting to jump back into anything yet, which is ok because I love my peaceful unencumbered life - but - I already feel different about people I meet - like I get to know them following a step forward and back kind of thing - keep my distance as I get to know them, something they do that's good is a step forward toward maybe liking them, warning action, step back danger Wil Robinson, warning warning warning.... ha! my heart isn't into it at all, safely tucked high on a shelf, getting dusty behind mr wheezer.

I've noticed that a lot of men in my age bracket at least, are used to being bachelors, actually love the bachelor life they lead, free to hang out with shallow drinking buddies, no ball and chain; yet lonely so they pursue any new girly that comes into their life - turn on the charm to win her heart, then - well, we all know the end to that story - tired of the chase, they turn off the charm and let their real personality shine (shine????) through. My ex's drinking buddies all treat women the same way, like they are products brought into the room at auction - its almost comical to watch the way they stumble over their tongues over a new pretty girl - but its sad too, because to them, women aren't really any more than the sum of their body parts and they truly DO NOT see the problem with oogling them as they walk by.

This would be a "see you later deal breaker for me, sorry dude, if you can't see how stupid and immature it is to be clinging to the bachelor party/animal house/party on college boy mindset, you just don't belong in my life". You and your daughter both see and know how wrong his behavior is; you aren't dating a neanderthal, you are dating a little boy who doesn't want and isn't ready, to grow up. I'm sorry.

and last but not LEAST - You didn't create a crisis!! You spoke up about something that was bothering you, we are allowed to do that you know? If I had spoken up about things that bothered me, well, I probably would have chased mr ex away before he'd had a chance to thrown my life in the pit! Good for you!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.