The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not been on here in quite a while. It's been tough to come back to the board since my mentor passed away and he meant a lot to me and always made me see what was right in front of my face. Also he always made me realize that I was to take care of myself first. Well he's gone now but his lessons live on. But still it's hard to come back here without grieving for him. But I must go on and he would want me to. After all this is part of taking care of myself.
My son is an addict, and has been for 7 years. He is 22 now. He is also in rehab right now. He's got about 18 days sober. He's also got a lot of anger that he's not dealing with very well and is actually taking it out on me. I try not to take it personally because I have come to learn that this is his addiction talking. Even knowing this it still doesn't take the sting out of the things he is accusing me of. He keeps accusing me of lieing to him and manipulating him. He feels like we, his dad and I, are attempting to dictate his recovery. Which in fact we are simply putting in place rules. Which he has not adheared to for a very long time. We have told him that he can not come home in the state of mind he is currnetly in and that a 3quater way house is what he should do before we feel he is ready to come and live back home. I feel that his transition to society would be better if he were to go there and deal with set boundaries and learn to care for himself and get a job and work. But his version of this is us dictating to him how to work his recovery. But his rehab center is releasing him after 21 days. We were told that he would need a 30 day program originally. We feel that he has probably worked the program and counselors into believeing he is ready to be released. But that aside. His behavior is rather disturbing.
He was kicked out of our house a couple of months ago for not following our rules. He moved in with his grandparents and broke their rules as well. So they do not want him back at their house either. He is not believing this to be true and says that I am lieing to him about this. But I told him that he can call either one of them and verify what I am telling him which he refuses to do so I think that he actually believes me. He has gudgingly agreed to go to the 3/4 way house. He has no other options but to do that or live on the streets, according to him. This is something else I do not believe except that his "friends" were probably all into drugs and he may be trying to avoid them. But he has options whether he agrees or not. I have heard that a lot of people do not want to enter a 3/4 way house but after a while find that they benefit from being there.
I was told that he was working on Step 4. I wonder if he is having problems dealing with work on Step 4 but it's not my place to judge. I have had to come to grips that I can do nothing to help him. It just seems to "set him off". I have to take care of my feelings and dealing with his constant anger is not helping me. It simply hurts too much. I have brain cancer that I deal with on a daily basis and have problems with memory and recall. He is WELL aware of this but still plays upon that issue as much as he can get away with. But I take notes when we have conversations now so that I can tell my husband what is being said. This causes other problems because then my husband gets upset with our son and will then hold him accountable for his actions. I just constantly feel like I am being played by my son. It gets confusing and is difficult to deal with. But my son has this knowledge and I still feel like he uses it against me.
He is not aware that when he gets picked up from rehab on Sunday he is going directly to the 3/4 way house. There really are not other choices but that. It's not easy dealing with him lately. But I am sure that once he gets to working this program he'll find that this is what he needed.
RLC is on my mind frequently but especially now and he is guiding me through this. But I so need some ESH. So now I will end this rant/vent and await, anxiously, for any feedback. Thank you all!!!
Good morning wildthang86, my heart goes out to you and all you are coping with right now, it is so dammed hard being a parent and doing the right thing, on the face of it, it is the hardest most painful thing ever but you know i do believe with all my heart that when we are strong enough to follow through with our boundaries good will come of it in the end, life throws us many curve balls doesn't it?and just when we think we can't take anymore boom another one comes right at us, I read great strenghth and boundless love in your post this am, what a wonderful mother you are, your doing a fantastic job there, thankyou for sharing this your's in support. Katy,
just to say RLC was a wonderful man so glad you mentioned him today, made me
I think of acceptance. I worry about my three sons because their father and I both came from alcoholic families. The chances are great that one or all three of them will become alcoholics. On some level I do know that I am powerless and will have to let them go. In the program, they have told me that when I am lonely, I am not connected to my HP.
Thank you all. Yes I was in need of my program and it was screaming for me to come back and I think RLC was probably the loudest!!! It's nice that I can always count on this Board family to help me through and get me back in touch with what I know in my heart. It seems to bother my son that I use my alanon tools and he is no longer able to manipulate me. I feel that this may be one of the roots to his anger. I've always been the "go to person" in his life. I've always been the one to support him and push him BUT I didn't realize that I was supporting an addict at times. I have since learned about just how deep his addiction had gotten. There was some denial in there too. But in being honest with myself and working the steps I have learned that I need help too. I want to get healthy too. In order for this to work, on both sides, I must work MY program. I must reconnect!!!! In my mind I feel crazy but once I write it out and reread it I don't feel quite so "crazy". My thoughts and feelings are real and I am not alone!!! I need to just let go and Let God. This is out of my control and I love my son and want only the best for him. I am allowing myself to feel my feelings and let them out on here to receive wonderful feedback and ESH. It really does help. I know this but have just gotten away from taking the time for myself. I deserve this!!! I am worth it. I keep RLC's words close to my heart and have gotten back in touch with those as well. Thank goodness for this board that I am able to read his PM to me that help guide me before and shall once again help me now. THANK YOU, all!!!!!
