I'm back.. Crazy stuff - Al-Anon Family Group

katfshh · Senior Member

I'm back.. Crazy stuff

InspiredPhotography · Senior Member

I am sorry you had to deal with that. HUGS ..you know it's the disease talking. You have done the right thing. You know in your heart you have. You have trusted your HP and now working on your own road to recovery. Don't let him bring you down.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

Sometimes I have to be reminded the stove is still hot.

Sorry you got burned, it takes time to detox from them and the craziness that goes with it.

Hugs P :)

katfshh · Senior Member

Thanks. I guess I do know it's the disease talking. I haven't been to a F2F meeting since before vacation. I should probably get there. I know I let my guard down. It is so much better when I am of a clear head and keeping in touch with this board and meetings. That was a quick lesson to remind me. I guess that was my HP reminding me! =)

katfshh · Senior Member

So true Pushka! That was a quick and hot reminder! =/

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Katfshh, are you sure you dont own any of what he is saying?

Only you would know.

katfshh · Senior Member

I can say, and I said this to him in the past....When he is sober and working his program, he was the a wonderful partner. But, he also had some very intrusive behaviours when it came to my kids. My kids are ages 13, 18, 21, and 23-birthday tomorrow. He pushed his opinions on me and on them. They have a father, and the ex A being here in the house the last 2 years was difficult for them. Raising kids is not easy, but I have been there 100% all 23 years. He didn't live with his children from the time they were 8 and 9. It's really difficult to take parenting advice from someone that hasn't been there to do the real work. So, we had a lot of arguments and many differences of opinon when it came to the kids. It was very much, a "My kid, your kids" situation. For example, his son stole all of my youngest child's ADD medication one day. He did confess. The ex F, had him apologize and confess. But, from that point on, he would point out every little thing that my kids did. The adult kids didn't like him much. He didn't just let go and allow me and their father to be their parents. He had to have a say, and not just to me but right to them. It caused a lot of resentment.

So, I can say when we both tried we did well. When we communicated in a normal fashion we did well. But, when he drank...it all went to the @#$%!. And I was very mouthy when he drank the first few times. I was resentful and angry. I was getting up at 530 going off to work a 12 hour shift, paying all the bills, and watching him drink himself to death. So, when that was happening, I had a very difficult time not telling him that he was worthless. Not that it was right, but at that moment in time he WAS! I was hurting and stressed out. So, he can take that and run with it. But, in the end, if he would have let my ex husband and I parent the kids and talked to me about his thoughts in an adult manner, it would have been better. When he looked right at my child and screamed at her, it took things in a very different direction.

I will say, blended families are very difficult. I imagine that are difficult in the best of situations. But, in an unstable alcohlics view it was an uphill battle all the way.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like a very emotionally immature person that cannot stand to be wrong and would rather see you ripped to shreds than have an ounce of humility. These traits are halmark character defects of an alcoholic.

Kat - What I relate to is you saying "oh he's so sweet when he's sober" Lots of folks think there is this magical dichotomy with an alcoholic and that it's only alcohol that causes the person to act like a monster. That is not the case.

Often times, while they are being "all nice and sweet" it's semiconsciously planned behavior to bait you so that they can rip you down later on. It's not love freely given. As you see, your ex is not capable of being wrong - and even sober, he acts like a big verbally/emotionally abusive jerk.

He's not like that when he's drunk. He's like that 100 percent of the time. Those character defects are there 100 percent of the time. Hence, you can feel pretty comfortable in your choice to move on. It's not one of those "I love the nice sober guy and hate the drunk guy" things. That thinking allowed you to stay in the relationship beyond the point you were miserable. He is a sick alcoholic who engages in relationship hostage taking tactics. That is him 24/7. I know it's not the purpose to spend so much time diagnosing and focusing on the alcoholic in Alanon. but it does help to clearly understand what an alcoholic is.

Yes, some have the potential to be wonderful and great people. Some are wonderful great people underneath. Most of them are sick, self-centered, and selfish people (myself included). All the good traits that the alcoholic has become distorted and used for personal gain and the character defect magnify the longer they drink or don't work a recovery program. Even in recovery, many of us (alcoholics) have little tolerance for being confronted or told we are wrong. This is why admitting when you are wrong is an element in several of the steps (4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10). I still sometimes fire off and rant when challenged (ask some of the moderators here at MIP LOL). Real recovery takes hard work and taking an honest look at yourself. Many/most are not capable of it.

My ex-A had a highly distorted perception of the end of our relationship too. He also tried to tell me I was too weak to be on my own. That is all a ruse to validate themself believing you need them and they were important and also that it was you who had the problem.

I suspect you know that 99 percent of what he said was a whole lot of garbage and just a reflection of how incredibly sick he is. It's the 1 percent that rings true that really stings. Attacking that 1 percent and the areas that he knows are your insecurities is not just mean, it's evil.

Be around people that celebrate you for who you are. Keep coming back here too and share your journey cuz certainly folks here understand and celebrate who you are.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I can second a few things that Pinkchip said here. My A just recently sent me these lovely emails where he professed he still loves me and is willing to work on things, etc etc. Yet, when we were in marriage counseling yesterday he ripped me to shreds AGAIN! And, he is like this without using alcohol, as he is white knuckling his sobriety! Honestly, I just sat there listening to him throw Al Anon under the bus, scream about how my divorced and remarried mom and aunt must be poisoning my mind against him, and then he yelled at me in the office, "Stop going on the f*cking internet to talk to your friends!!!" Apparently, he doesn't like me getting support on this board and on my homeschooling message board where I have participated for 7 years and have many cyber friends, UGH!

Anyway, your post sent chills down my spine because I could see those words coming out of my AH's mouth in some way. I believe that many A's have a distorted perception(as pink chip said) and that we, too, have a distorted perception. We believe we can fix them and that things will someday get better, how distorted is that, LOL? Good to see you back and I'm glad you guys had a fun cruise!

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Katfssh,

It would help you to get back into the face to face Alanon meeting. Whenever we spend more time discussing the Alcoholic and what is wrong with them and how they make us miserable, its time to return to Alanon and focus on us.

There is no logic to the behavior of an Alcoholic and their disease. We do not need to validate that the alcoholic has many issues and problems if he is actively drinking.

We do need to encourage you to keep seeking out Alanon and using the tools to improve your life and to actively seek out your serenity.

Hugs, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 7th of September 2012 08:16:20 PM

katfshh · Senior Member

Thank you Pinkchip and ilovedogs. I appreciate that you took the time to reply and point out what you did. I found myself, questioning myself about how much of what he was saying was true. However, that is the way the whole relationship worked. As a matter of fact, I had a reltionship about 6 years ago with an abusive, alcoholic, and the same sort of things were said to me. So, when you point out that is who he is, it really makes sense.

The part about him being nice and sweet, as semiconsciously planned behavior to bait me, only to rip me down later, is such a lightbulb for me. That part of his personality was there all of our relationship. I would get accused of being nasty, or hateful, or whatever, and he was always more or less the victim that, as hard as he tried to please me, I made it impossible.

Even that whole text message that I wrote came out of left field. The conversation started with him showing that he was concerned about me, and why I needed the biopsy. Then, just like that! bam.

I have to go back to the no contact. I was actually doing better with the no contact. The last few days of allowing him back in to my life, via text, internet etc. Has sent me back to depression mode. I should be at work today, and I felt too overwhelmed and sad to go. That is not OK. That is not me taking care of me, that is allowing my disease and his to get it's way with me. It's funny how so quickly it can affect me.

Ilovedogs, the way you described you A, is just so spot on with my exAF. Interesting, how they are all so much alike, it's like they studied from the same book! And not the good book!

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

The wedding he was in, the honeymoon trip you went on without him, those are big triggers. You're not a knucklehead - easy does it there girl! So you got a little sidetracked... went to the hardware store looking for bread. Like we all haven't done that! Hugs.

He's just trying to undermind your confidence... wants you to believe you can't make it without him. He wants you dependent on him the way he's dependent on alcohol. He's sniffing around for a victim. When you showed vulnerability he moved in for the kill. It did the old hit and run routine. He wants to do the rejecting. He thinks then he is the winner. You can let him have that. You have so much more than he does.

You sound like you had a great vacation with your son, a better vacation that you would have ever likely had with your abf. You will always have that good memory with your son. You can make more of them with people who really love you. You don't deserve scraps. TT

katfshh · Senior Member

Thanks Tiredtonite. I guess those really are some big triggers. I love the analogy of going to the hardware store looking for bread. Also, what you said about him wanting to believe that I can't make it without him makes so much sense. He did a fine job of getting me to go there! Ugh. Oh well. He does want to do the rejecting, and boy did he make sure that he felt that way at the end of the conversation, with the "MOVE ON!"
That is the right advice though! I need to move on. I work tomorrow and then off for three. I will get to a F2F on Monday! Thank you for your take on this. It does bring me a lot of clarity.

Bettina! You got it, I need a F2F, I can feel it! I noticed on the cruise they had "friends of Bill" on the daily schedule, but I didn't see anything that resembled an Alanon meeting. There was something on there called, "Friends of Dorothy"...not sure what that was? Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I need this program. Just the last few days I have been in such a funk, and I haven't been able to pull myself out. Between the reality of the end of the relationship, and the vacation, and then the health problems I am having, I am just floating around in a funk. Hopefully, the biopsy will come back negative and that will be a big weight off of my shoulders.

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