The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It serves me well to look at the first step like this, "I admit my powerlessness over my brain and the effects of living with alcoholism, and my life becoming unmanageable."
For me, my brain was born and raised in an alcoholic home and then was married to an alcoholic/addict for 26 years. Its best for me to not forget that. If I do, I tend to think my thinking is fantastic, lol
My brain is going to do what a brain is supposed to do, its going to re-mind me of things. It would remind me of the chaos, the ex-husband, the familiar, etc. and if I dont stay aware of that, my emotions will follow that distorted thinking, I might start minimizing everything, I become restless, irritable and discontent and not even know I'm doing it.
The only way for me to change my brain and my natural thinking is to stay connected to my meetings, to the fellowship and to the message. So often, my double-winner sponsor would borrow from the BB because the AAs work recovery like nobodys business, right?! I love the AA opening from the chapter on How It Works, which begins, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.. "
With my brain, I have to thoroughly follow that path and all suggestions because I want what they had, I never want to go back. I have to completely give myself to this simple program.. I have to go to any length to get it. and I have to practice with complete abandon....
I was told that the career and relationships will straighten out once the spiritual piece is straightened out. I trust this program and the fellowship, so I keep suiting up and showing up and squeezing recovery in everywhere I can, recovery comes first. Otherwise things seem to fall apart again.
All that said, I, too, went through a period of comparing the boyfriend with the ex. What helped me, was journaling. Write about the regret. Then make peace with the regret. In my case, I wrote about how I wished we could still be a family since my kids are doing monumental things in their lives right now, I felt sad that our family has no home together anymore. Then I made peace by writing about how grateful I am that I dont have to live with the lies anymore, I dont have to live with a tornado in my house, and the crazy-making. God brought me the peace that I prayed for. And when I keep coming back, I tend to trust that all shall be well.
Hang in there with school, it'll be a memory before you know it ((big hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 6th of September 2012 01:51:47 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I am going to school full time, working 3 day weekends and have 2 kids for all those who don't know my story. I have a new boy friend and I am all over the place emotionally, I atleast do not feel addicted to him. I still at times feel addicted to my exAH who emails me like crazy and I asked him repeatedly to stop and he stopped and now I am wondering what he is doing and focusing in that direction again. I have had the blahs lately and am missing the chaos. I grew up in an A home with both parents and married an A and now since my move I am busy which keeps me out of trouble for the most part, but there is the sick part of me is missing something. I know it's becasue I am not making it to meetings. I tried 1 meeting when I first got here and it had so much cross talk, I haven't tried going back because with school and work I need to be home with my girls. Honestly I gave up trying to find another meeting and felt like after having over a year in program, reading my daily readers, calling my sponsor and have MIP I didn't need it. I am wondering if the way I am feeling is proof it is time to get back or if I am just having a hard time dealing with all the stress and pressure of being a full time single Mom who is going back to school and working at the same time. I am struggling in chemistry and have to keep my grades up for my financial aid to keep paying my way. I miss the good things about my exAH and find myself comparing my new bf and the exAH and sometimes the exAH comes out ahead sometimes, then I get wondering if I made a big mistake, except for the whole alcoholic part that drove me crazy. The second guessing myself and missing him is going to drive me crazy for sure. Anyone else trying to move forward and feel the old tugging at you? What did you do to get through it? I have a feeling I am just in a slump, but need ESH regardless. Thanks all and am always sending my love and support to my MIP family!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I have found that when I miss the face 2 face meetings my program suffers. I do understand the time issue especially as a single mom. Part of taking care of me is going to the f2f meetings. I have heard long timers describe "leaking" and that is why they keep coming back.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself, .. it's a new relationship and I know I tend to analyze analzye everything especially in my relationship with my stbax. Sometimes the duck is just a duck and I don't need to make it anything else.
You are doing a great job of setting boundaries and sticking to them. Of course you are going to wonder, .. I've talked about deflection before and this is another way our minds distract us and become the our own worst enemy. You don't need to go there alone. I can find all kinds to focus on instead of keeping things about the whole One Day At A Time.
If you have the book How Alanon Works .. there is a great read about One Day At A Time as well as other slogans that remind me the perspective of where I can put my focus instead of going into my bad neighborhood because it's not a bad neighborhood it's a flipping war zone!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have had the blahs lately and am missing the chaos.
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Missing the chaos, in my experience is one of the hardest things to get past. Chaos was a 24hr state of being in my early years and once I got away from the As in my life, I didn't know what to do to fill up the quiet time - it felt so odd & that's when I turned to substance abuse myself. I had absolutely no idea what life was without chaos and I've watched my sis go thru the same thing but she's still there - if there is no chaos in her life, she'll create some just so she feels '''''normal''''.
Just the fact that you recognize that you are missing the chaos is a huge step forward.
I missed the ex A for a long long time. Fortunately for me the chaos and destruction had got so bad that I couldn't go back. I did a number of false start leaves before I left. I went to stay in a motel for a week. He promised everything delivered nothing.
I have been on the 7 day a week grind myself for a couple of years. Right now I am taking a break from that. I have to say it absolutely exhausted me in so many ways. I had no respite and everything was on a timetable. I can't even imagine doing that with kids in tow.
I think finding a good meeting is a really big issue and one that take time, patience and investment. For me that time wasn't possible on a 7 day a week schedule so I had to rely on MIP for a long long time. I also had a therapist for a number of years and that helped too. I think after we have lived with an alcoholic/addict it is hard to get back in the groove of dating. The intensity is incredible. Dating is a slow process (if you are doing it in a mature way) there are no bells and whistles there. You have to get to know someone and that doesn't happen overnight. There is an addictive quality to the romance associated with an alcoholic and for me it was dependency. The ex A was extremely dependent on me and I was dependent on him. I have had to work really hard to get to self sufficiency and reliability. The other thing that I missed was familiarity. It became familiar to have chaos, tension and "excited misery" in my life. I had someone else to focus on except me.
Personally I have to say the whole sage of taking care of me is a hard one. I was so much better at taking care of the ex A. I could anticipate his every need. I knew how to make him happy. Most days I go someway to meeting my needs but I would say I am far from the kind of cherishing I did for the ex A.
Thanks Breaking for this post. It reminded me of the early recovery days and years when I also found myself in the insanity without the alcoholic/addict being within 10 miles of me. My sponsor reminded me that where I found myself (insanity) was the consequences of my choices. It was the answer to the question "So what's your part in it"? The personal inventories I took revealed that for all of the crises and chaotic events in my life no matter how many different people where present there was always one that was always there...me. I had to change only one thing about me...everything!! I didn't start any new distractions in my life and recovery until I was in Al-Anon for 5 years. I could handle school and some of the new mistakes I was making at that time in the proper way. Keep coming back...you're right...it is your disease.
