The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH went back to a meeting last night after missing several weeks and relapsing. When he got home he was very open about his feelings and the "whys" and "what fors". I just listened. He told me he realized something yesterday. He's in an authority position being the bosses son. He has to spend the day telling everyone what to do and how to do it...basically having to be an *****ole and piss everyone off that doesn't do their job right. He doesn't like that part. When he was drinking, at the end of the day everyone would have a few drinks and he would still be one of the "guys". Now that he's quit drinking he's just the bosses ******le son that they all avoid at the end of the work day. So he's been struggling with that. One day he will take over and he wants so much to be a strong man like his dad. All his life he's been compared to his dad, "why can't you be more like your dad?" That's all he hears from family, people in the business world. They have this standard set so high for him that he already feels like a failure. Not making excuses for him I am just glad he can recognize what some of his underlying issues are and that he is willing to open up and talk about them.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 6th of September 2012 09:21:06 AM
basically having to be an 'xxxx' and piss everyone off that doesn't do their job right. He doesn't like that part.
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This really stands out for me - if one has to act like this then maybe being in a position of authority isn't the right position for him. Employees will bend over backwards for a boss that treats them with respect rather than harshness & disrespect. My son was a superintendent for a pipeline company before he was 30yrs old and had crew members that were twice his age. He quickly learned that he had to interact with them in a respectful way so as not to act like some young, long-haired punk throwing his weight around. Many times, rather that stand by and yell orders at his crew, he'd grab a shovel and jump down in the trench & work beside them.
I hope & pray that your hubby keeps working the program.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 6th of September 2012 02:10:39 PM
I understand Jamie. Those are tough shoes to fill! He still has to learn to live his live and not someone else's. We were all created differently, emotions, reactions, looks, reasons....we all have different ways of living. Maybe he needs to find another job. Seems like his old life is creeping up on him. Filling someone's else shoes are next to impossible. No one will ever be that person. Ever. One person is one person and one person only.
I wish him all the love, healing and freedom live has to offer. Maybe it is time he makes some changes so he can finally be free and live for himself. Hugs to you both.
__________________
"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
I guess I should have said it like this...he is perceived as such. He doesn't try to be. In his profession everyone has to get their hands dirty and work together to get the job done...him, his dad, everyone. They all get greasy, sweaty, dirty and all sit down to lunch together. And because they do so much "together" when he has to play his role as boss, they tend not to like it. That's why it's hard on him. But this profession is what he has known all of his life. This is what he loves to do. We discussed maybe he can continue with a foreman and him doing the parts of the job he enjoys.
You don't know how he's perceived. That's just what he says. Alcoholics will come up with any reason to drink. It is good that he is opening up to you don't get me wrong. A good marriage has to have communication, but I can just tell you from my own experiences:
I worked in a jail setting all day long with juvenile delinquents and used to think my job was so stressful that I had to drink. I used that excuse a lot.
When I came into AA, it did not take long before I was told that I was lucky I had a job and that I didn't get fired for showing up to work hungover all the time. I was also told that everyone in the world has to have a job and not everybody engages in irresponsible alcoholic drinking. Other folks would kill to have their father be the owner of the business - that ensures a lot of job security.
At four years sober (which is not that long in the big scheme of things) I can only tell you that I drank for a few reasons: I was an emotionally underdeveloped, selfish person that thought the world revolved around me and my "perceived" problems.
I'm not sure how or if this helps you Jamie, but I just didn't want you thinking "Oh now I understand it all. He explained the reasons for his alcholism and it can be fixed now!" That's not the reason he drinks because he would have drank with another job or drank with no job. He will recover with this job or with another job.... Self discovery is good for all of us in recovery - as long as it's used to keep changing and not to stay a victim of the disease.
