I used to rationalize that drinking WHILE driving was not drunk driving cuz I wasn't drunk....yet. Um....talk about denial. That is WORSE than drinking and driving if you can't even wait to get home or do it in a bar. Addiction had a pretty firm hold on me when I would fill up 7-11 cups with liqour and drink them while driving. Who does that? An alcoholic. Even if it was "just 1" doing it WHILE driving around!? Yeah. I did that and I know that routine.

I can understand that it's maddening for you. How many times can you call a spade a spade while someone else is telling you it's not? The serenity for you is in alanon. Yes, alcoholism is a disease. It is progressive. But, he is the one that has it - not you. Much of the desperate, panicky feelings you are having around his drinking are fear based. Alanon will help you empower yourself and rid yourself of the fear of his drinking. From there, you can figure out what makes you happy instead of wasting time worrying, fretting, and obsessing over his drinking and what it is doing or might do to you guys in the future.

Also, why would anyone flame you? You just came here with the honest description of what just about everyone in alanon has struggled with. You actually deserve a huge hug and know that you are not alone. You can only be strong for another person so long before it comes back to taking care of you again. It's okay. Caring about your husband and being concerned about your marriage are positive instincts. It's just that when it comes to alcholism and addiction, they don't suffice and/or they become maladaptive (caring and concern turns into enabling and obsessing). Nobody plans it this way. It's not your fault.

You did not cause this, can't control it, cannot cure it. (3 C's of Alanon).

Awww, Stevie, no one is going to flame you here, hon. We have all been where you are and some of us are probably still there, but we're getting better by using the tools of Al Anon. The book "Getting them Sober" was really key for me to find some peace and I highly recommend it. I got it for my Kindle so I was able to start reading it right away. I have read it, and some of the other books by Toby Rice Drews about 2-3 times each.

One thing that I've learned is that you can't stop an alcoholic from drinking. My AH would drive with beer in a red cup and think nothing of it. He got a DUI a few months ago and still has continued to drink, he just can't drink and drive because he now has the ignition interlock on his car. He pretty much resents me right now because I don't want him to drink in the house anymore. Actually, I just set a boundary which was: I will not continue to live with you if you drink again. Or, something along those lines, LOL. Anyway, he's all tense and ticked off at me because he thinks I'm trying to control him. In reality, I was stating what I was comfortable living with and not living with and it just so happens that I'm tired of living with him if he's going to drink. Unfortunately, there is usually so much more under the surface for most alcoholics like emotional issues, anxiety, spiritual issues, and even mental health issues and sometimes just quitting drinking is not enough to maintain sobriety. That's what AA is for, but forcing it upon someone is just going to backfire. The best thing you can do is get help for yourself and let him find his own way and his own path(I know, it's easier said than done), give him the dignity to be an adult and to make his own choices. That's what we're all learning how to do in Al Anon. Best of luck to you, sending you lots of support today!

Stevie, your post just made me register and write my very first post! I can completely relate to what you were saying about the drinking and driving: no slurred speach, evidence of being drunk, eyes look okay, no stumbling, no weaving...BUT we know it affects reaction time. Like you said you felt like you should stop it yet he seems fine. What to do??? I have had similar situations. Just on Monday we were out and he had five drinks over the course of 2-3 hours. His driving seemed fine, but I still felt worried. I too am dealing with him alone. Not even sure if he is a full-blown alcoholic. Definitely has problems with alcohol. But I don't know what label to put on him. It's like I need to be able to clearly label him so I know what I'm dealing with. He drinks in the evenings and into the night. (Fortunately because I am a light sleeper, I sleep in a separate room. So don't get disturbed by him coming to bed and the smell of alcohol. There was a time though when I used to get hit by his flailing arms while he slept. I then told him that if you're going to drink, sleep on the sofa or the other room. Well over time we slept separately more and more...and today I have my own room and love it.) So anyway...he has stayed up until 5 a.m. drinking. When we've been on road trips and I'm up sleeping in the room he'll be down in the car drinking. Seen that and evidences of it a few times this month. (Who does that except someone with a problem? Who would stay up till 5 a.m. drinking milk in one's car?When you swap the beverage you see how crazy the behavior is and know it's the alcohol compulsion that's driving it.) It's like I want to know exactly how much he's been drinking and when. He got to work late this morning because he was up drinking and "forgot" to set his alarm. This has happened a few times. I wonder: does he realize that whenever this has happened alcohol has been a factor? I don't talk about my concerns with him. Tried that many times. Makes no difference. I have a book "Marriage on the Rocks. Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic." In it and on here I read to not get in the way of his drinking. He has to want to make the change. He even lies to his doctor about how much he drinks. I feel such an emotional distance with him. I feel like he loves me more than I love him. I hate that I get so caught up focusing on all his faults and failure to recognize his issues. I pray to not be blind to his good qualities, not to take them for granted. I am a person who is bent to the negative and being positive is hard for me. It's a complicated situation caused simply by alcohol. Even though I don't suffer directly from his drinking, I still hate seeing what he's doing to himself. And frustrated about the denial/excuses he likely makes to himself. It's something that we don't talk about. He's not abusive though at time he can speak very harshly and thoughtlessly and it can cut me sooo deeply. Sometimes he gets upset at me for something that makes no sense at all to me but does to himself (from his low frustration tolerance I presume). He can be SO Hypocritical that it drives me insane. I try to remember his upbringing (alcoholic father). But it still stinks. I also tell myself that my situation is not at all bad compared to what others deal with!! There's comfort in that yet I still hate the situation. Since alcoholism is progressive, I can't help but wonder where we will end up. No point in worrying about it though. Focus on one day at a time. Feels good to vent with those who can relate and understand. Thank you.

Pinkchip - REALLLLLYYY??!!!! Thanks so very much! Thanks for taking the time to write those encouraging words. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too detached. I care but yet I don't. I love him yet I don't. I want to be with him yet I don't. Lots of conflicting emotions. I'm fortunate that I have something in my life apart from him that is all mine. Keeps me sane and not as focused on him as I would be.

Freja, I'm so glad to that you decided to post! It's a hard first step for sure, I have almost reached out for help several times over the years but felt that people would flame me for not stopping him from driving. I get so anxious because he doesn't always drink when he drives so I never know what to expect. Most times he's fine and waits until he gets home but every once in awhile, he has a beer and I find a receipt from the gas station for the beer or I find the cans hidden in the bushes, under the porch or in a paper bag with the rest of the 6 pack in the car. I get so mad because I don't understand how he can be so careless and selfish and I get scared because I love him and he could hurt himself or some poor person in the wrong place at the wrong time. I get such bad anxiety and it just eats at me all the time. I tried to do the thing where you focus on yourself and try to do things for yourself (therapy, exercise, distancing) but it comes back to this constant worry. I'm feeling encouraged by my first step in asking for help and I know I have everything to learn, but so far, so good. I feel resentful a lot at my AH because I wanted children years ago and he said no and now, all of a sudden, he wants children but I can't bring children into this marriage. It's not a bad marriage, we get along and we love one another (we also sleep separately because he's always flailed in his sleep and walloped me a couple times) but he doesn't have good judgement regarding what is safe and what isn't. I no longer allow him to take the dogs for rides because one of the dogs will jump out of the window if you leave them down too far (she's done it twice and the second time, she jumped out while the car was moving and she hit the sidewalk and rolled; luckily, the car wasn't moving very fast so she got a bit scunned up but the vet said she was fine.) I couldn't let him be alone with any children we might have because I know he would never harm them on purpose, but he doesn't seem to think things through. I can't be the only responsible parent, I can't handle that. He does well with work. Since I've been unable to work, he's taken on a second job and it has been a Godsend to us because he doesn't drink before or during work so his overall drinking has lessened. He works in law enforcement in his full time job and seems to be able to compartmentalize his life so that his addiction doesn't affect work. I just don't understand why he can't do that with driving too. When I lose my temper, he'll say "Sorry, it was a mistake" or "It was stupid" and I just want to scream. He's gotten drunk and tried to kiss a friend of mine and he's embarrassed me several times when we were out with friends. He is a good man; he works hard, he takes care of me, he supports me and he's the kind of person who would give anyone the shirt off his back. I was going to leave him, but he has always stood by me no matter what. When I became too ill to work, people judged, people criticized and people left my life but he never wavered in his support. I know he wasn't thrilled, but he didn't walk away when a lot of people did. There's so much good in him and so much I love about him but I think he has an addictive personality because there are 2 things he can't go without, no matter how much I tell him it bothers me- beer and porn. I feel embarrassed just admitting that he would rather drink and then watch porn than live in the here and now with his wife. It makes me so sad and I feel so alone. =( I tried to talk to my family but they go after my AH verbally when they see him and they use the information against me. Last time I was honest with my family was in 2008 and then my sister told me my AH wasn't allowed to come to my own family birthday party or any family function so I cancelled my own birthday celebration because I can't deal with their drama on top of everything else. Mind you, he isn't inappropriate at family functions and has always been considerate and kind to my family. So they just make things worse for me, really. Anyway, now that you all have heard more than anyone I know, I feel better and worse. I hate to dump all of it on you but I'm afraid if I don't blurt it out now, while I feel weepy and vulnerable, I'll clam up again and it may be years before I will have the courage to expose my shame. Thanks for listening.

having an alc for a spouse is something no one can be prepared for, something id never wish on anyone, a sad and at times lonely and infuriating life, and a situation those "not living it" truly dont get. Every response has a consequence, every look gets a reaction. The non alc spouse gets blamed for things that are simply ridiculos but still a huge purpose is served...deflect and deny. As by standers we second guess ourselves, we struggle to simply relax, we often make excuses and at times live in denial ourselves. Many of us stay...out of fear, love, lifestyle,circumstances, hope and yes, love. But...we still wonder...is this it? Its a hard road to travel...one I struggle down daily..that said, I stay. I pray, I rest, I try to be the bst mom I can be in the moment im in, I let go and let God...ALOT.