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Hi all, this is my first post. I am new-ish to al-anon and am very grateful. However, being new means I don't have a lot of answers. I am starting to learn about detachment and "live and let live". This is so freeing to me, but I do not know when and how much it applies in my home life. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He has not had a drink since we met (he had recently become sober and joined AA), but he does not do step work. Before our daughter was born, I was able to keep thinks at a pretty good equilibrium for us and he had the freedom to do things as he chose. However, since she was born, I have not had the time or energy to do so. I have come to learn that I pretty much allowed everything to go his way (my doing, not his) and now, I cannot.
DH and DD (she is now 3) have some significant issues. She is a real mama's girl (thought he and I both work full-time.) He was not ready to have a child (I was), so I took over all duties after she was born - feeding, bathing, etc... He loves her and has always played with her, but that's about it - she comes to me for everything else. Suffice it to say, he is extremely hurt because she always wants me. She rarely will hug him and usually hugs me in front of him, which makes it worse for him. He blames me for being too easy on her (I don't feel that I am) and that I have created this problem. To be honest, he has never been interested in doing more active things with her (he is with her in small doses, really) and now wonders why she always wants me. It seems like he's fine with this, but all of a sudden will explode - shouting, throwing things (never at us, but it's obvious he's irate - recently he smashed my desk chair to bits while I was putting her to bed - in another room, but it scared the heck out of me.) He has NEVER, I want to be clear, hurt either one of us. He feels so rejected and hurt by her behavior and thinks I condone it. I have explained to him that I think he "plays" too much with her - he seems to act more like a friend from preschool - grabbing at her toys, then if she doesn't want to share a toy with him, he storms off. To me, this isn't parenting. At this point, when he hells or throws something (tonight he slammed a book on the floor when she wouldn't sit next to him for bedtime reading), I jump because it startles me and I hate those kinds of displays. They don't seem to phase her, but she clearly thinks she needs to protect me because all of a sudden, she will cuddle up to him and say, "See, now everything is better!" and then will come to me and stroke my hair. It's very cute, but also sad. I fear for their relationship and what this does to all of us. We started going to counseling, but he will not go any more.
My question here is, how involved should I get? I feel that I must orchestrate EVERY interraction they have. If he doesn't like the way she says something to him, he says, "You're mean!", which I think is horrible to say to a 3 year old! I cannot let this go because I think it could harm them both, and yet, how much should I push? I hate watching them do this dance and I think it's only going to get worse - do I just pray and trust that my HP (or theirs?) will take care of it? That doesn't seem like the right answer to me - to take no action. Thank you for any guidance and I'm sorry this is so long!
I would suggest family therapy. Differences in parenting style is a serious issue, but one of the most common ones that drives folks into therapy - Part of that is because it's an issue that is amenable and effectively worked on in that setting.
Not to diminish that Alanon does have some useful stuff to teach you and I'm sure other members with more direct experience, strength, and hope in this area will be of aid too :)
It sounds as if he has some serious problems with his temper and his emotional maturity/stability. He may not have ever hurt either one of you, but someone who can destroy a chair can easily frighten the heck out of a child. And the child is frightened with good reason. It is also true that in many cases, anger escalates into genuine violence. Now, that may not happen. But statistically it is very possible.
As I see it, there are two important facts. One is that you cannot control his behavior -- because no one can control another person's behavior. I'm sure all of us here have tried to coax, cajole, and manipulate our partners so their behavior is less destructive. Occasionally we can divert their attention or whatever. But overall, it just doesn't work and it's exhausting trying to make it work, and it's not our place. We're not their parent or even their jailer. It's not our role and it's impossible.
But equally, as a good parent you have to protect your daughter from harm. And it sounds as if your daughter already recognizes that the family structure is all about appeasing dad. She is learning that that's what women have to do -- keep the men from blowing up. Be constantly vigilant and take responsibility for someone else's emotional state. And live in fear of what would happen if she doesn't.
It's not uncommon for people with serious emotional problems to resist therapy. Part of the seriousness of their problem is the denial. But you have awareness. It will be very beneficial if you go, even without him. (That's assuming you have a good therapist. I hope you have tried several out and found a good one.) Al-Anon is also wonderful for this. It helps us understand where to set boundaries, what is healthy behavior, and how much of our life we can change. It sounds as if your husband still has a lot of alcoholic behavior even though he's technically dry. We get pulled into the insanity too until it's hard to know up from down. Al-Anon can help set us on the road to healthy thinking again.
I hope you'll find a good Al-Anon meeting (they say to try six because they're all different), read threads on here, get the literature, learn all you can, and keep coming back. You and your precious daughter both deserve the best life can give.
Well it sounds like you have 2 children on your hands, one just happens to be an adult. It is fairly normal for a small child to be drawn more to their mother and if she is watching/hearing daddy having temper tantrums and breaking things it must be very scary for her. My experience on this was my father was an alcoholic and I was very little (4 yrs old maybe), my dad was abusive but towards my older brother. I used to sit under the dining room table and watch my father break furniture to bits, then he would go after my brother. In seeing that do you think I ever went to my father for comfort? Hardly. In my little mind I figured he could turn on me in an instant and I would become the victim. Your husband may not be drinking but if he isn't doing step work which is meant to change his dysfunctional behaviors then he is basically a dry drunk. No alcohol but the same behaviors. It sounds like he feels he is in competition with your daughter. Very immature behavior. I believe counseling is always good if your husband is willing to do the work. For me I would have my daughter assessed to see if she may need her own counseling. She may not feel safe talking to either you or your husband about her feelings, and at 3 yrs old her ability to communicate her feelings effectively to you is quite limited, but a professional would have ways to help her get her feelings out. I think alanon is a great program for you. As you learn how this disease works and learn your own new behaviors your daughter will have at least 1 healthy parent and you can learn how to take care of you and daughter first and foremost. And as stated above, at this point your husbands abusive behavior ( and it is violent and abusive even though he hasn't hurt you or daughter yet) like addiction is a progressive disease. You have no idea when his tantrums and breaking things will turn into physical injury. Wishing you the best blessings
I tend to joke sometimes, that our so-called "normal" problems are like "problems on steroids" when you add the element of addiction into play....
This sounds like a family counselling issue, for the most part, as lots of men struggle to figure out their 'role' in the raising of a young child.... His alcoholism simply adds to the complexity.... As always, a counsellor who has some addictions training would be the best...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There is no question professional help is needed here. I can't quite figure out who is the child and who is the father! And, you feel stuck in the middle. If he will not go to therapy, you surely should because it looks like keeping order in the home is up to you.
Best wishes,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Thursday 6th of September 2012 11:02:38 PM
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