sober husband yet i am lonely... - Al-Anon Family Group

debhud · Veteran Member

sober husband yet i am lonely...

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Now would be the time for marital therapy. Lots of posts on here about how pointless it is to have therapy with an alcoholic. Your husband is presumably stable enough now at 2 years sober to really engage in it.

P.S. - for me I started reemerging myself in the world and being able to have meaningful relationships outside the rooms of AA at about 2 years. Prior to that, I lived in an AA bubble for a good while. Hopefully you can have a sit down and communicate this to your husband and now work on some issues that you were never able to work on while he was drunk and while his recovery was such a huge priority (not that his recovery still isn't important). After 2 years though...recovery is about repairing relationships and trying to build a more fulfilling life.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Pinkchip, you might try couples counseling.

What would be wrong to just tell him, " I miss You". It might open up a dialogue.

My best to you.

Hugs, Bettina

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha, deb

Have you discussed this with your sponsor? These are important things of which to keep an ongoing discussion with your sponsor who knows your whole story.

I am sorry to hear what you're living through, however. It is painful to have a spouse that is not interested in intimate contact.

I don't really have advice, as when I went through a sexless marriage, my spouse was not in recovery. I do agree that it's hopeful that your spouse may be emotionally mature enough to discuss these issues with you in counseling due to his progress with AA.

Sending you hugs.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I really like the suggestions you've gotten so far. This is my experience. I discovered that when I asked my recovering abf to teach me a sport or skill, it brought us closer. I wasn't sure he'd have patience to teach me something that I knew absolutely nothing about. I feared he wouldn't accept me where I was at. I feared there would be criticism and then rejection of the whole idea of teaching me. With thoughts like that in mind, it's easier not to even start. I decided to tell him about my fear, to talk it out. I realized this was just an old tape. There would be nothing wrong with constructive criticism (kindly showing a more workable way) if he were teaching me something. As far as rejecting the whole idea of teaching ... well, that wouldn't mean he was rejecting me or abandoning me. He admitted to me that he wasn't sure he would be a good teacher (someone else might be a better teacher). The conversation helped both of us not to have expectations of one another. We went forward honestly and trustingly. He was aware that I would be sensitive to harsh criticism because I told him I was. I was aware that just because he knew a skill didn't mean he would be able to teach it well to someone else. He was patient with me and I made plenty of mistakes and asked lots of questions and there were lots of do overs but I learned. He told me his dad had been rough on him growing up and the rougher he was the more he fouled things up. He criticized him and he remembered. I told him I was sorry he'd been treated that way and I understood because it happened to me too. After that conversation, he became a confident teacher with me. I became a relaxed student with him. Sometimes the roles reverse. We're closer because we risked to be vulnerable with one another. We don't feel like strangers who are just physically attracted to one another because we're keeping communication open. Keep sharing. :) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 6th of September 2012 12:28:16 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb marriage is a living thing. Without giving it any energy or nutrition it just dies.

Great you are friends! So now what? Date. simple. Just start over. I would start slow, go on walks, movies, dinner in nice dark quiet places. I got us a double recliner!

pinch his bum, I mean it. Men are also very visual. I bought all those pretty underthings. Does not matter you are not a perfect bod whatever that is. He is your husband, he chose you. I always slept in pretty nightgowns even those mens undershirts with boxers can be sexy cuz they can see thru the shirt lol

It does not have to be blatant. It can be for you to feel more womenly, pretty. I always did this for me. Just washing them out and hanging them up is great for the imagination.

I wish I could afford a make over thing. Being almost 60 with all these changes I get confused what to do.

face it sex or some kind of intimate intimacy is important between two people. Its something you share with no one else. Its precious. Holding hands, grabbing his arm and putting it around you. I would drag mine to our bed and ask him to just hold me and he does not have to say anything.

Men think they need to fix everything. I learned to say I just need you to listen, or nothing needs to be done, just venting.

If you guys are still together as friends, I sure can see making all kinds of love happen.

there is nothing wrong with dressing casually pretty and having a candle lit dinner. Women know how anyone can look beautiful in candlelight and a smile!

Just by being you, letting that flirtatious, sexy part of you out can be very alluring.

Doing things for him just becuz, out of nowhere. Telling him what you want, as believe me most men do not know. visa versa too.

most A's do not know how to do many social things sober. He may not know how to play anymore. Playing is essential in a relationship. board games, I love the books of questions to ask each other. Discover each other all over as in truth, you guys do not know each other in an intimate way anymore.sometimes we do have to make things happen, does not take away the cool ness of it.

Hey I would love to be where you are.(c:

hugs! debilyn

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi everyone,

There is a request in our monthly magazine for Al-Anon Family Groups The Forum for intimacy sharings in alcoholic relationships, encouraging members, male and female in various relationships and situations to share.

You can download a sharing sheet for this piece of literature on intimacy in general, including sexual intimacy, or submit a sharing electronically on the Members' Web site,

www.al-anon.org/members

Click on "Submit a personal sharing"

For subscription information to The Forum magazine, call 757-563-1600 8a.m. - 6p.m. EST

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 6th of September 2012 11:08:05 AM

Samagi · Newbie

My first trip to this site. I seem to be a little at peace today. My beautiful girlfriend that I was hoping to make my wife soon seems to have gotten much worst with her drinking. She does not seem ready to take any actions on her own to address the issue. For many years, I have been waiting for things to fix themselves...ha! I have been her companion and not a lover. Romance, intimacy and sex have been almost zero. I am very lonely with the woman I am in love with. For many years, I was angry and blaming her for not caring about the problem. This week, I woke up. I told her that I love her but that my heart hurts. I told her that I was saying this because I needed to express why I was acting different recently and not because I was warning her. The anger is gone (at least for now). I wish she didn't have to drink. But, that is something I have no control over. I love her such much, no other woman can make me feel sexually like a 15 year old boy like she can. I love her but I also happen to love myself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.