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I'm reading posts and slowly things are starting to sink in .. lol .. I'm a slow learner, hard headed as all get out and a fast forgetter as I've heard told and I def fall into that catagory.
The sharing stuff is really really hard. How to put that focus on me and not be focused on the A in my life. I'm really struggling with the question "how am I today?". I can tell you I'm angry at my STBAX and why that is however how am I? I don't know on some days and on the bad days I really don't know. My therapist is teasing me because I can totally tell you the demise of my stbax .. I can't tell you what we are having for dinner tomorrow .. oi .. ! I keep having this fantasy that if I can take all of the energy I expound out I will literally be up 18 hours and sleeping for 6 like the ever ready bunny!!! Go go go go, totally in control of myself.
It's kind of frustrating because our town is so small it's hard as a new person to know how to share. How to direct that focus on to myself. Is this a question I can take up wtih my sponsor? How do you share? I don't know that I know how to share without taking it back to the A in my life?? Right now it's such a big part of my life because things are staginate .. it's not a bad thing .. LOL .. it means it's not costing me money!! it's not good either because nothing is moving forward and I'm not ready yet. The way things are set up at the moment, it's good and I like it the way it is. Obviously Mr is not in any hurry as the ball is in his court and I'm just waiting for him to provide what he needs to do.
It's frustrating to get so tangled up in my words and how I share .. I am a story person .. I like details, I'm one of those people if I'm reading there better be good character development or I'm so checked out of the book. Ditto in movies usually I can tell you who done it within the first 20 min of a movie or what the plot is and so on .. for me to find a movie that is actually shocking in that regard is a gift. I don't consider it focusing on the other person if I'm making a point .. what point am I trying to make that I'm right .. that they are a beast? I don't know.
Anyway, .. how am I right now. Good I guess, minimal on the drama, trying to really focus on myself and doing the next right thing. I know where I am at in the divorce and I'm comfortable. The kids are good. Outside of my little guy being sick today and yesterday .. everything should be on an even keel tomorrow so I can really get back into the swing of things. I can share here, I can do it one to one however I have a terrible time sharing in a group setting. Maybe that's a clue I need to just sit and listen .. I may try that over the next couple of meetings and see how it goes.
Thanks for letting me share, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I like this share. It appears to me that you are thinking of yourself. I attend CODA as my f2f mtgs now. I kind of struggle with the opposite problem. I dont really want to talk about the exA...but I probably need to because my tendancy is to stuff things. I think for me...the enmeshment has to be worked thru and it is a process. I think about giving birth haha! Its not really over when the baby pops out. Things that connected you take a bit to shed and it hurts a little bit. Eh...thats a little graphic maybe, but its what it has truly felt like to me. You are awesome and dealing with a lot. You come across as commited to your program, and trying to do some difficult problem solving in new ways. *hugs*
Hello Pushka, Like you, I often find myself in a pickle when it comes to sharing what's going on in my own life. I've always been a listener aside from a share-er and found opening up to most anybody difficult for a long while. It took a long while for me to learn how to engage a conversation about my self and ask for someone elses advice. Personally; I had thought that I'd heard it all and given stellar advice to it all, that i had the answers to solve all of my own problems. Unfortunately I had to learn that some problems cannot be delt with without seeking advice for whoever you trust yourself with. I still find myself holding back what I truely wish to say, usually because I hate/refuse to cry infront of most people. For me, I had to learn how to let my emotions flow. I had to learn to recognize just what i was feeling and just let the emotion fill me weather or not I cried. I hope this helps and you can find someone who you feel comfortable and confident around to speak with. If you would like, you're more then welcome to leave me a private message. I may not have the advice you need to hear, but I am a great person to come to to lay out all your cards. Even though I'm dealing with my own problems I'd be happy to help you with yours. Together we can help heal each other and move forward with our lives.
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Weather by irony or fate, this Al-anon site came into my life when I needed it the most, hours before I even knew I would need it this much. I thank you ALL for your kind words, inspiring stories, and support!
Years ago on this board I said "why?" and they all said don't ask why - it is the disease of alcoholism. I lived in a small town - my AHSober left so I was the only there to answer the questions. My sponsor said to ask them why did they want to know? A good friend told me that having been married to an A and divorced after 30 years was a book that she took down off the shelf now and then. The ball is also in my AHSober's court. He wanted the divorce and he needs to file the papers. I won't do his emotional work for him.
Pushka...are you really speaking to "self" consciousness?...overly "self" consciousness. Taking yourself tooooo seriously? I became so grateful for the first part of the first step when the program attached to it "and so very human". In early program I came to the critical awareness that if I didn't ask for help I would not survive. I was ready to end it by my own hand and didn't want to die crazy. The solution was to hear myself ask out loud someway that I never ever thought I could or would do, "Could you help me please"? I was saying and asking that to complete strangers in Al-Anon and no one refused me...no one. Thank you God for these compassionate, empathetic and patient people (almost 100% female). I made mistakes and no one laughed or judged or corrected me...they helped me accept myself just as I was, spot on or spots all over me. My early sponsor taught me the definition of humility years and years ago which I still accept as the main definition..."Humility is being teachable" and the ending statement of our face to face meetings? "If you keep an open mind you will find help". Teachable with an open mind...rocket science for this oppositional defiant member.
I use to ask why also and the fellowship taught me to ask "Why not"? (((((hugs))))) you're special.
I guess the answer to "Why" is that we have been affected by living with the disease of alcoholism. We do not feel safe sharing our heart and souls. in a group setting. Alanon understands this and that is why we have the "NO cross talk and no advise giving requirements"
I too had problems sharing in a group setting. I found that as I listened to the Speaker, ready heard what they were saying I could identify with their experience and could share a tool that I used that day that helped me to grow
Hi Pushka, I have been feeling a little lost of late too, and a situation has presented it's self where I can see I have choices, my instinct want's to go about things out of habit yet I know where that will take me, to react would get me nowhere, and so I am left with myself and a choice of responding, in a way I see fit for myself and my health and well being, how true it is to say i don't know what we are going to have for dinner tomorrow and I have no clue what I did this day last week, but? I would still like to believe I know more why people do what they do than why I do what I think I should do, I am in a lull right now where patience is not my forte' I want answers and I want them now!
I want to hurry things up if you like because I don't like feeling like this, I know if I try though I will not be satisfied with the outcome, this has to be progress for me, to be aware of this is huge, these feelings of doing what is best for me do not come with ease, to care for othres comes naturally for me but to take care of myself is still quite uncomforatble, I am sure it is all part of the healing process, your post this am has supported my new awareness, this too shall pass thinking of you x
Oh and Pushka? I don't share these things easily either in a group setting, just to say until I came here this am I didn't have a clue why I felt the way I felt, your share unlocked something in me too, I listened to your words and could identify it's good to share have a nice day xxxx
If you are a slow learner, you're in good company. My first sponsor and I used to laugh that we were slow learners, "slow like a snails," we would say. but hey, at least we were snails moving in a forward direction, hahaha
You want this like I want this. You want this soooo bad that it's going to come, how could Higher power refuse? We keep trudging, even when it's uncomfortable. In my case, I had exhausted all other avenues and I had no place else to go. Thank you, God.
I soo relate to your post because when I arrived in the rooms, I was just a shell of a person, so confused. I thought that if I was going to be able to stand toe to toe with him, I had to match him, match his demeanor, or better yet, top it. When he wanted to fight, I'd put the boxing gloves on right with him, I feared that if I didn't, I would "lose." So the concept of surrender seemed impossible, who will protect me if I do something like that?! The idea of letting go and lightening up made me feel hysterical, that was not going to work in my house.
But today, "surrender" is what sums up my program best, and it is not weakness, it's actually where I get strength. Surrender is giving up my attachment to results, emptying my mind of my ideas....
My discomfort at meetings nearly made me stop going. So my sponsor taught me to try praying before every meeting. To sit in my chair in the awareness of my Higher power's presence with me because Higher power "is not a vapor," she would say, Higher power is going to use this fellowship for our mutual healing, I only need to be present, to listen and to "be." I never need to "do" anything and whenever I think I do, it's usually my ego pushing me, and then everything gets effed up, lol. I am learning, it's never so much about what I "do," it's about what I am and if I'm inviting my HP to be with me, things will come off as they should.
In my shares, I kinda keep the attitude that I'm there to "tell on" myself. It keeps me honest about how I am applying the meeting topic in my life, or not. Just being honest about what's working and what isn't. Hearing myself speak gives me responsibility and accountability, makes recovery real for me. I do it for me. Because if I start thinking I need to entertain or tell a story or enlighten or inspire, etc, etc.. I am in my codependent thinking again, thinking I need to gain approval and validation and love from others, so that they will like me....
Al-anon taught me that I am acceptable "as-is." I can sit in a meeting and I don't have to make any sense. I don't have to know anything, I don't have to fix, or change, or heal anyone, it's not in my power. I talked about my husband too because time took time to stop the enmeshment. If you can't be who you are in al-anon, where the heck can you be?!! haha
What really helps is to just surrender to what is, and with where I'm at. The more I do that and stop my wrestling, the more I give room for Higher power to move in and the more I am at peace, I begin loving myself instead. No perfection required.
I am so glad for your share today because your healing helps me to heal, we are never healed alone, praise Higher power!
((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 5th of September 2012 10:07:27 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Pushka, you are so strong, thank you for the share. I too struggle with this, I think because I have kept my AH's secrets for so long and have had to pretend to the world that 'everything is okay' for so long that I forgot how to reach out. Keeping our A's secrets are about them, sharing our stores is about US, that's why it is so powerful. Keep up the good work, hugs and prayers, ts
You werearried with kids to your stbxA. I left a 15 year marriage with 3 kids and while I no longer care to be involved in his life, we will be tied by children for years. So he's still part of my story despite my wish for him not to be.
I think what is important is balance. I might discuss my ex for a few minutes with kids or if someone asks, but the majority of my life story is me and my boys.
As you back away from him, it gets easier. You are embroiled in the worst part of separating, its violent, forceful and requires a huge amount of work with papers, lawyers, discussions, court, etc. It limits how much you can detach. It is temporary.
After more than 5 years, ex and I verbally shook on the agreement of no more court, no more custody crap. We just don't care anymore. Him because he's finally paying me what he owes. Me I've been at this point for 2 years.
You'll get here, for now just accept the world as it is, because it is temporary. Begin now to find you. For me that was my single parent group, the horse I lease and the kind of fun with my kids that I always wanted.
Pushka, even though my journey has been mostly in AA, I can identify with your share a lot because I did start my whole life over and part of that also included a virtual divorce (would have been married if it were legal). Anyhow the feeling you are describing happened for me at about a year into the program. The time frames for AA I was told were that year 1 is learning to live with out alcohol, year 2 was learning to live with yourself, and year 3 was learning to live with others. I am not sure how much of this parlays into Alanon, but I do believe just learning to live without your qualifier or without being dominated by your qualifier's disease is the majority of your focus for a year or so.
Now that you have coping skills to be independent - You get the joyous task of learning what makes you tick. I was the same way and I still struggle with it. I would answer "what do you want to do?" instantly with "I don't know. Whatever you want to do." When I started dating again, I had real trouble presenting myself in terms of answering questions like "What do you like?" and "What interests do you have?" I seriously thought "What are you into?" was a sexual reference whenever someone asked. When alcohol and/or someone else's alcoholism has been taking up so much of your engergy and time, that leaves little time for self discovery.
Aside from that, you spent many many years married right (not to mention rearing small children with little assistance)? There is a natural process of growing codependent and defining yourself around you spouse. Some of that is inevitable even in couples that don't have issues like we've dealt with. Neither of my parents are alcoholics and they have been married for 50 years and I pretty much refer to them as a single entity because they are so enmeshed (albeit in a cute sort of way I guess). They are not Jean and Bob...I call them the Jeanbob. My point is that redefining your identity and how you feel on your own at any given time is still new and it goes against what you are used to. I recall it being just a sort of "stagnant" feeling as well. It was like nothing is wrong, but nothing is all that great either.
I guess from my experience it is the calm after the storm and now you are mobilizing and researching so you can build something great. That something is your new life....and it is going to be great. You just don't know what will happen and what time fram your HP will be working on - Good things are in store because you are working for them!!
Also, aside from a self-identity issue which such a huge part of this journey - You also have a history of having your boundaries be treaded upon, smashed, discarded...etc by your qualifier(s). Hence, boundaries are a tricky issue. When you share what's in your head and you do it with your heart, you can't really go wrong.
Focusing on others is not bad persay - I do believe you have had a spiritual awakening and now part of your journey is step 12: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs." In that aspect, focusing on others is good for you. While you may feel you are new in the 12 step process, I observe you are much further along than many are and further along than many ever get. You would make a great sponsor and that is probably one of, if not the best, way you can share yourself with others right now.
